Merriam Webster: “circumstances at a certain moment : a critical, trying, or unusual state of affairs : PROBLEM”
“An example of situation is having to decide between two jobs.” ~yourdictionary.com
My children and I are not a “situation”
For you to come at me with “what a horrible situation you are in” is Incredibly Insulting.
You are talking about our every day LIVES.
You are making a statement that implies we are something that needs Handled. Controlled. Fixed.
We don’t need fixed.
We are not broken.
We don’t need anyone to step into our lives to “fix our situation”
We don’t need your pity because You View Our lives as a Problem.
Some horrible, traumatic things happened to myself and my children.
Everyone has their bad stuff in life.
Everyone has gone through some shit.
Yet you don’t go around talking to everyone like you do to us.
“What a horrible situation to be in”
“With the situation she is in…”
“Well, your home situation is less than ideal”
You mean MY LIFE?!
Yeah, Thanks for that.
Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing how great I am doing with my boys and how awesome they are (just like any other parent). I will take the compliments all day long. If you are only giving them to make yourself feel better because of my “situation”save your breath. Call it “widow intuition” if you will, but we can tell you’re insincere. And if you’re here to tell me what a horrible job I am doing, unless you are truly sincere with concern for me and my boys, I don’t care what judgments you have about me.
Yes, a horrific event happened in our past that we deal with every day.
It is not a problem for someone to fix.
It is not a new or individual “situation” every day.
It IS INGRAINED IN OUR EVERY DAY.
IT IS OUR LIVES.
And We are Happy.
We are THRIVING.
Pretty sure the only “situation” you need to worry about is how to get my foot out of your ass if you don’t shut your mouth.
I was recently shocked by something my brother said to me. Being shocked by things that come out of his mouth is nothing new for me as much as I am positive he is shocked by plenty of things that come out of mine, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. So, of course, I am now writing about it as I typically do.
The other day while sitting at dinner with my brother’s family, we started talking about different types of jobs. The job of serving at a restaurant came up and my brother said it may not be good for certain people who “don’t like people.” I replied, “I hate people, but serving is different.” (I don’t actually hate people, in fact, I love all people, but A LOT of the general public annoys me)
My brother immediately said, “No. Ever since we were little kids you have talked to anyone and everyone everywhere you went. You have always been a social butterfly.”
This statement stopped me in my tracks. I genuinely had nothing to say because I have never thought of myself this way.
Isn’t it so interesting how you can think of yourself as an entirely different person than how others view you? There are so many versions of you floating out in the world. As many as the number of people you’ve encountered your whole life. Not one person has the exact same version of you in their head as another. So much for people pleasing.
I do remember talking to a lot of people and I also remember being called outgoing a lot. As I grew older, my outgoing personality was suppressed by society. I was told to be quiet, not talk so much, watch what I say around who because of what they might think, etc. I decided I needed to conform, so I slowly went into myself. It’s not that I was completely not myself and never talked to people. More like, I waited for permission. Assessed the situation before I decided whether or not I should speak my mind.
I developed a case of social anxiety and regular, good old fashioned anxiety. I would at times still talk “too much” and I would lie awake in bed at night because of it. Replaying every single conversation in my head. Every word I said. Thinking of all the ways someone could have interpreted my words and judge me for them.
Adulthood only made things worse. A job I was at for a little over 5 years left me unable to speak my mind or give any opinions for fear of losing said job or having a frustrating conversation in which, even if the other person decided I was right, I would always be told I was wrong. I retreated inward more. I completely stopped speaking my mind, not only at work, but in other aspects of my life as well. The only times I spoke up were for my children or when urged by my late husband to stand up for myself.
After Jess died, I decided life is too short to be anything but happy in your life no matter how scary change can be. I found a new job and started to be unapologetically me. I now Do talk to almost anyone everywhere I go. Friendly conversation at the checkout lane, other people pumping gas or waiting in line, & so forth. I do this now because I want to spread love and light in the world. I do it unafraid of what others may think of me doing it and I no longer lose sleep at night replaying conversations in my head.
It is ImPoSSiBle to please everyone.
Every person you interact with you has a different perception of you. There is no fathomable way you can leave every person 100% happy with what you say and do. They will each interpret what you say and do with whatever lense they have on for that day along with their preconceived notions of who you are.
Like my brother. He has a perception that I am and always have been a social butterfly. That I am outspoken and unafraid to speak with anyone no matter what. Nowadays, he’s not wrong, but I have not always been this comfortable with who I am.
I’m not saying “Do and say whatever you want without thinking of others or the consequences.”
I am saying to decide what you want to put out into the world and do it unapologetically. I believe all people have good in them and at their core, all people want to make a positive difference for others and in the world. Don’t be afraid of sharing your positivity, your passion, your growth journey, and your true self with everyone. It’s easy to summarize what you want. I think you should go a step further and create a mission statement for your life. Put into words what you want to put into the world and what you want to get out of it. If you want money, put that in there. If you want a family, put that in there. If you want to be famous, put that in there. Also add in what changes you want to make in the world. Whether or not they are local changes to your immediate influence or much larger changes in a sphere of influence you want to have in the future doesn’t matter right now. Put it in there.
Here are some examples of some statements I have developed for myself:
“To spread Love, Light, and Happiness throughout the world using my sphere of influence as a person, speaker, and writer.”
“To be honest, open, and transparent about my life and my struggles in order to help over 1 million people with theirs.”
“To always remember – I am Sunshine. I am Light. I am Fireworks & Running through the field barefoot. I am Outward & Hugs & People & Laughter. To enjoy the Hell out of Life.”
Clearly, my sphere of influence right now is not close to one million people, but I put that in there because one day it will be. I don’t wish to be famous, but a large sphere of influence is necessary if one wishes to change the world. I wish to make the world a better place and help others be their best selves and find true happiness and peace. I was recently reminded of my third statement by a lifelong best friend, really one of my soulmates in life (thanks, Kristy), and I found it such a great reminder, I decided to make it part of my mission to never forget who I truly am and who I always have been.
No matter how others view you, No matter their perception of you, If you have PuRe InTeNt and come from a GooD PlaCe, you will have nothing to apologize for.
Figure out your mission. (Sooner than later is Best)
Write Down your Mission. Read it. Repeat it. Live it.
The world hasn’t gone crazy yet, but I feel like every day we inch closer to shit hitting the fan.
My kids are the most important and I am the Only One who thinks that.
If you were here, you would protect them too.
But you’re not.
So, I am left alone.
To come up with a plan if shit does hit the fan.
I have the best plan I can come up with, but it’s far from perfect.
It’s to wait for people who first have to make sure Their family is safe, then us.
No one likes to do all of the things one has to do in life. No one is good at all the things that need done. That is why it takes a partnership or even a village. No one can do it alone.
Yet, here I sit.
For example, I am horrible when my kids are sick. They know I love them and if they are incapacitated enough to just sleep, I am a good cuddler. Other than that, I am the worst caretaker for the sick. I find that rather funny because my sister who I grew up with is a nurse, so she chooses to take care of people she doesn’t have to and she’s good at it.
You were always really good at taking care of our kids when they were sick. All you had to do was cuddle up with them and they felt better until they Were better. It was like magic. So fascinating to witness. When I cuddle up with our sick kid, they complain they are too hot, they still have a headache, or I am doing something wrong.
It’s terrifying to realize you are the only person in the world who will put your kids first no matter what.
Such a dark and lonely feeling.
But it’s true.
There’s no one else.
I’m literally alone in this.
You would be the only other person who would put our kids and me first.
I want to say thank you. I know we didn’t have much of a thing, but at thetime I thought it could be something and it was a really important thing for me to do.
So, I accidentally signed up for a dating app when I really thought it was a free trial thing, like, try it for a week or whatever. I humored myself and looked around. No swiping left or right, but there was some kind of system I never learned. A couple people messaged me and things didn’t go very far. Then, a random message turned into a series of messages and something started happening. I was interested. Interested enough to want to meet him face to face. When the opportunity arose, I took it.
We met for lunch on a Saturday. A spur of the moment thing, we both ended up not having our kids for a short while that day. I was nervous, plus I got there first, so there was that. He came, we sat, we talked, we ate, it rained, we left. We both enjoyed it so much that we got together with our kids that night to do something fun.
When my kids and I left, they asked me if he was my boyfriend. “No.” I replied. “Just a friend.” After that, the messages got fewer and farther between. I think I went up to his house a week after our first meeting and we hung out for a bit. After that, the messages seemed a bit one-sided, so I just stopped.
I am worth the chase. I am worth more than that. I am worth someone who wants me so badly they will do almost anything to get me.
This guy wasn’t that guy. Not the one who would chase me. Not the one for me.
Still, I remain thankful. For accidentally signing up for the app. For talking to and meeting a guy through it. It certainly helped me get back out into a world I know nothing about after being out of the game for so long. Turns out, I don’t want to be any part of the dating game, ever. I hate games and I hate dating. I am not a casual person and I cannot play like I am, nor do I want to.
At least now I know.
I know I can still feel all the feelings.
I know I don’t want to play games.
I know what I don’t want.
I know what I do want.
I know I am worth every bit of energy for the right person.
So, thanks, random guy for helping me learn and I wishyou all the best.
The other day I was standing outside in my backyard. The weather was so nice! No wind, perfect temperature, and slightly overcast. I very much wanted to take a walk, but I knew it was going to rain soon, so I went inside. Not five minutes later it began to rain. Not a light sprinkle, but a full on downpour. I was thankful I wasn’t on a walk and stuck in the pouring rain, but at the same time, I kind of wished I was. Have you ever been stuck outside in pouring down rain? I have. It was AmAzInG.
In 2016, Jess and I took a trip for our seventh anniversary. We stayed in a cabin in the woods in Hocking Hills, Ohio. We visited the state park there and decided to go on a hike. The trail we picked started at some cave thing where people used to live back in the day and was supposed to end at this magnificent, beautiful natural waterfall. I believe the trail was a few miles there and the same back. We were parked where we started, so we had to take the trail back too.
The hike to the waterfall was so fun. Amazing weather, perfect shade when needed, sights, sounds, and peaceful. We took our time when we wanted stopping to rest, look at all the cool nature things, and take pictures. The walk ended up seeming longer than whatever we were told it was, but we kept going because we had no limits on our time and were enjoying the day. As soon as we got to the end, we looked for the waterfall. Y’all, the pictures we were shown and the sight we were told we would witness were beautiful sounding. An amazing, natural waterfall that everyone just had to see!
We saw a lot of people gathered and figured we were on the right track. We caught up to the people and they were all staring in the same direction, so naturally, we looked that way. It was the waterfall! It was…..disappointing. Literally just a tiny trickle of water was falling off of a cliff that was maybe two stories or so up. Not even enough to make a splash at the bottom! We walked all the way here to see ThIs?! We weren’t mad. In fact, we found this hilarious. This sight that “everyone had to see” was so freaking pitiful, it was funny!
At this point, we still had to take the trail back to where we started to get to our car. A little bummed, but mainly amused, we were about to head back. It started POURING. I mean, really coming down, cats and dogs style. We had no where to go to get out of the rain, so we just kept walking the trail. Now, there were puddles and there were drops that seemed like waterfalls along our path. Our shoes got all squishy. Our clothes heavy with the weight of all the water we had taken on. We were a mess!
We finally made it back to the beginning of the trail and all of a sudden, like no big deal, the rain stopped. The sun came out shining like it had earlier that day at the start of our hike. We walked past all of the people just starting their hikes still dripping from our adventure. They looked at us like they hadn’t even known it rained! When we got out of the woods and closer to the parking lot, we again, got looked at like we walked straight out of some other world than the crowds of people we were walking past. We laughed again.
I see the messages. They started off very personal and nice.
“Make sure little Johnny gets 1 reading, 1 writing, and 1 math assignment done today.”
“Please have little Johnny sign into Powerschool to complete the assignments he has.”
It has been several weeks and to prevent me from feeling less-than or attacked, you now send blanket, general messages that seem like you are sending them to all parents like,
Except, I know you aren’t sending this to all of the parents because I am POSITIVE I am the only parent failing at this and I feel awful for it. I do appreciate you trying to make me feel better with sending me an encouraging message during Teacher Appreciation Week when I didn’t even acknowledge it or have my kid complete all of his assignments that week.
You’ve probably noticed already, but just in case you haven’t, I’m done. I cannot keep up and I’m tapping out. I realize there are technically still a couple weeks left in the school year. I realize it is one of my main duties to help my children do well in school. I know how important it is. I also realize that you may or may not have supervisors who are monitoring your children’s progress or whatever during this time (which, if you do, that is utterbullshit, but I digress…)
My kids’ school district had absolutely no plan for at-home learning when they decided to keep kids home for the safety of everyone. The district has done a fantastic job coming up with a program and trying to monitor how we are all doing. They have stated the final grades will be from Quarter 3 of the 19-20 school year, so my kids will all advance still – Thank Goodness. The fact that my kids cannot complete the little that is being expected of them is not the district or the teacher’s fault. It is solely mine.
I’m not saying this is acceptable at all. If you know me in any way, shape, or form, you probably find it hard to believe that I am letting my children’s school work go undone. I am typically very involved in their school work and their school lives. I volunteer at their schools and we used to have mandatory homework time when I got home from work every single day until their homework was done. If they had no homework, they read a book for at least 30 minutes while the others studied. I was never the best at looking for papers in folders, signing and returning things, keeping track of library books all of the time, and I definitely cannot keep one of those stupid plants they give us at the end of the year alive for a whole summer, but Damn It, my kids did their work, got good grades, and are smart as hell.
I can’t pinpoint a single reason this isn’t working for us, but I have thought of several reasons. The main reason being:
NO ONE WAS MADE FOR ALL OF THIS.
It takes a village to raise a child. I have always preached this and I wholeheartedly am in Love with the village me and my boys are blessed with. Their schools, teachers, and staff are a HUGE part of our village. A part I have always tried to let know I appreciate and are wonderful. I realize teachers and school staff not only have to teach kids knowledge, but also have to help them manage emotions, social interactions, and all of the things with over 25 kids in a classroom every day.
WHY THEN CAN I NOT DO IT FOR MY THREE CHILDREN?!?!
Repeat after me: “I am capable and people like me.”
I don’t have an answer. I work full time, right now from home. We are lucky enough to have been able to borrow a computer from my parents, so we have one computer for my three children to use for schoolwork. If I work 9-5, Monday through Friday and two of my children need me to sit with them or help them with their school work while they do it, when the hell are we supposed to do anything else? On top of the time it would take, my kids don’t want to do it. So, I am left fighting with all THREE of my children trying to force them to do their work. I also have to:
Feed my kids breakfast every day.
Feed my kids lunch every day.
Feed my kids dinner every day.
Make sure my kids get outside on nice days (and don’t die) or exercise somehow inside if the weather is not nice.
Make sure my kids have time to relax.
Make sure my kids get enough rest by going to bed at a reasonable hour.
Make sure my kids get time with me to play, cuddle, watch movies, or whatever else they want to do with me for quality time.
Keep my house clean.
Make sure the trash goes out every Tuesday night and the recycling every other Tuesday night (and remember which one is “the other”).
Make meal plan and go grocery shopping.
Make sure my teenager gets out of bed before 6:00 pm
Make sure my kids don’t get too much screen time because if they do, they go nuts.
Make sure my kids are not eating all of the sugar they can find in the house.
Make sure my kids are having fun, but not the “they might could die” kind of fun.
Anyways, teacher….
It’s been good,
It’s been fun,
But it sure hasn’t been good fun.
I’m sorry and I wish I could be better, but I can’t and I’m tapping out.
What are you chasing? If you find yourself working for something you are not passionate about, there is no time like the present to change that.
Dig deep.
Find your passion.
Go for it.
What do you get really excited about? What could you work on all day and not get bored? What makes you feel happy?
You probably think others see it as silly. Not worth anyone’s time. Some stupid hobby maybe that doesn’t make sense to most. Guess what?! It’s not silly if it is your passion.Nothing about what makes you feel alive is ridiculous or stupid.It’s Amazing. It’s Fantastic. It’s MaGiC. Everyone has a thing and you are important enough to deserve everything that comes with pursuing your passions no matter what they are.
I hope one day they realize everything I do is for them. Every decision I make. Every action I take. All I want is for them to grow into their best selves and become happy humans who help others through serving and love. 💗
3 Truths and 1 Lie is a game where You go around the circle, having each player share their three statements. The players vote on which one they believe is the lie and at the end of each round, the person who stated the three truths and one lie, tells which statement is the lie. The game continues as such.
1. I once met Larry Flint at a casino.
2. I once was on a bus in Mexico with the Real World Cancun
3. I once was accused of soliciting sex when asking for help
4. I once was wheeled back to my hotel room in a wheelchair in Las Vegas
You try to make them all unbelievable or super simple to confuse people and mix them up.
The game is a fun one and one in which you can learn a lot about the people you are playing with. I was reminded of something today that made me think, “No one who knows me would ever believe I would do that.”
Spoiler alert: it’s one of the 4 above.
Double spoiler alert: it’s #3 and I didn’t do it, it was just perceived that way.
Three years ago, I attended a conference at which I met and connected with several highly successful people. One of them was a man who is a successful author and speaker. He captivated me and wanting to raise my standards of my circle, I reached out to him and asked him for guidance and help. I asked what events he might be at and what opportunities there were for me to work with him or help. I received a message back from his wife stating my “offer” seemed inappropriate and asking for clarification because he receives multiple “offers” such as the one they thought I sent.
I was at first offended. How could anyone think I was that kind of a person?! I realized they didn’t know me, so I replied with an apology and clarification because I didn’t want to be seen as such a person and I still wanted a professional relationship with them. If this happened today, I wouldn’t even bother with a reply. “Their loss,” I would think. Hell, I probably wouldn’t have sent the message in the first place. At the time, I was in a bad place personally and professionally and knew I wanted to get out, but had no idea where to start. I also remember being drunk when I wrote and sent said message, so I am guessing my editing skills were not up to my usual par.
I have no idea what reminded me of this. Me and those people are not friends on social media nor do we talk elsewhere. I think it may have been another message I saw to someone from around that time that also made me cringe. Regardless, it definitely got me thinking about it and it has been bothering me all day, so now I’m writing about it.
It still made me angry that anyone would think I would use myself in that way. I have always been straightforward and confident with who I am, but when it comes to the looks department, my confidence dwindles quite a bit. I have never thought I could get away with using my body to get things and probably for that reason have always looked down on those that do. These days, I am more comfortable with how I look, but still have it ingrained in me I won’t ever use my body like that. I value my mind and talents a lot more than my looks. Though I choose not to use my good looks to get what I want, I also have no opinion anymore one way or another on what others do with theirs. To each their own. If someone has a nice body and wants to “offer services” to get what they want, more power to them. That’s truly none of my business.
I digress…The conclusion I came to today was that I’m not going to let the fact that these people thought that about me bother me at all. That they immediately assumed I was trying to “offer services” says A LOT more about them than me. First off, they think they are worth someone offering those kinds of services. Kudos to them for having such high opinions of themselves. Second, they think there’s always a catch. They think other people just want to take from them and use them for something. The world had told them these people are everywhere trying to solicit you for sex or money or whatever and that is what they had come to expect.
I can’t fault rich, successful people for thinking this way. I’ve never been considered either of those things in the general public’s view of me and I am certain people come from all over to take advantage of wealth and status. It makes me so sad. For them and the world. How are we supposed to work together to make a better world when we all think the others are out to get us or out only for themselves?
Now more than ever we all need each other to get through life. Which is funny now that I wrote it out because we can’t be with each other, but we need one another more than ever. How can we help each other when we are all so skeptical and scared?
I have more questions regarding this than I have answers. I’m just as skeptical about people I don’t know as anyone else. Maybe more so than the average person. Sometimes you just have to take a risk and trust, I guess.
What I do know is that we should never assume someone’s intentions. If anything, assume their intentions are Good and from a Pure place. I’m not saying trust everyone 100% or let your guard down at all. I am saying more problems arise when we assume someone’s intent is from a bad place. Assuming the worst isn’t good for anyone. Take things that are said as they are said at face value. You’ll save a lot of time and energy thinking about things this way.
Let’s all give each other Grace.
Let’s all work together and make the world a better place.
Let’s all sit down and play a game of 3 Truths & 1 Lie, learn fun facts about each other, and come out of all of this better at communicating with one another.
Adventures of Life, Death, Love & Light 