I Hate That…

I hate that you left us.

I hate that you’re gone.

I hate missing you.

I hate the parts that made me excited every single day to see you.

I hate that I remember it all.

I hate that I miss you.

Tonight was a mother f*%^ing sh*tshow.

Like, seriously….WHAT. THE. F^&K??!??!?

I hate that you aren’t here to help.

I hate that you aren’t here to be the patient one.

I hate that you aren’t here to put them in their place.

I hate that you aren’t here to tell them how Proud you are of them.

I hate that you aren’t here to tuck them in.

I hate that I always have to hold my breath at the perfect times to recite the “West Philadelphia song” correctly every night by myself.

I hate that you aren’t here to finish this season of The Walking Dead with me.

I hate that you never got to see Endgame.

I (kind of) even hate Star Wars now.

I hate that we have to play the “what if” game to imagine what life would be now.

I hate that I have no choice.

I hate that I never stop crying.

I hate feeling so overwhelmed all the time.

I hate that I forget what it’s like for our boys to have a dad.

I hate that you left.

I hate that you’re gone.

I hate that you will never be back.

I Love You.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Charlie got to be pitcher & I wish I could tell you…

Tonight, my youngest, Charlie, got to be pitcher. This is something he has been itching to do and talking about non-stop for two weeks.

I quickly grabbed my phone & started snapping pictures. Without thinking I thought,

“I can’t wait to send these to Jess. He’s going to be so excited!!”

Then it hit me. I can’t send these to Jess.

It was literally probably only 2.5 seconds , but it was a swift reality and hit check I haven’t experienced in a while.

I never forget Jess is dead, but I also hardly ever think of him as alive anymore. It’s weird.

I felt so weird about it that I immediately sent the pictures to someone I knew would understand where my head had been at in those seconds. That helped tremendously since she told me she also does that still.

What I Wouldn’t Give to be able to send him pictures of our kids at their baseball games. For a split second, I just thought he was at work & missing this one. If only that were the case.

This whole baseball season is our first since he died. He was the one who got us all so into baseball and I miss him every practice. Every game. Every time one of our kids does something amazing or truly dumb while playing.

So, I decided if this moment is so special, I should share it with the world. Here you are, Charlie playing the most coveted position as pitcher:

#charliebear

Jess would be excited. Jess would be So Proud. Jess would brag to anyone who would listen and even to those who didn’t want to.

I am PROUD to be their mom.

I am proud to have the background I have, from childhood and from Jess Sr., to be able to help my boys play a game we all love. ❤️

As of late, I have felt his absence often. Not his physical absence per say, but the absence of he who cares just as much as me about what our boys care about. There is No Other than a parent who will enjoy the fact that Charlie gets to play pitcher or Jess actually swung the bat and got to a base instead of being walked.

Others can show up if they want and even care a great deal. The utter joy a parent feels??? That is something you cannot transfer. With their death, it ends—and then there is only one.

But I know we all can come together and cheer one another’s kids on. Even if we don’t know each other. Even if we may never meet.

We are happy that the kid is happy.

We feel joy that the kid that we only know by number (is his name Dexter or Carter??) and never met in person got to field that position they have dreamt about for weeks.

I encourage you all to cheer for ALL OF THE CHILDREN.

Be Kind.

Don’t Talk Sh*t.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Duality

DUALITY — When 2 opposite things can be true at the exact same time.

I spent a good portion of this evening talking to my youngest about duality. Having to explain to a 7 year old that this will always and forever be his reality is HARD.

For many with a great loss, duality is true.

You will always be sad, mad, upset, (insert emotion/feeling here) about the loss of your loved one. That doesn’t mean you can never be happy or any other emotion/feeling too. That means, you will forever live in duality.

“Yay, it’s my birthday!…I miss my dad.”

“It’s my wedding day! …I wish my dad were here.”

“I got a home run!!! …I wish dad were here to see it.”

Sometimes one emotion will be BIG and the other so small.

Sometimes they will be equal emotions.

You cannot control it.

It is a reality you must come to live with.

This is OK.

This is Completely Acceptable.

This is Normal.

This is Grief.

Once you realize and come to terms with your reality, it does get a smidgen easier. It’s not EaSy, but knowing helps.

So when someone who has a great loss is HaPPy, let them be HaPPy.

No, they have not forgotten their loved one. They never will. Not even for a minute, but our loved ones want us to be happy. Wherever they are, they are rooting for us to live happy lives. Healthy lives.

It’s no different than if they were here.

That’s all they ever wanted, so we may as well oblige.

Be Kind.

Be Graceful.

Be HaPPy.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Today, I did NOT apologize for the state of my house & that’s a pretty big deal.

Don’t get me wrong, I thought about apologizing for the state of my house like, 57 times, but each time, I decided not to.

I had a super clean house for a LoNg time. For over a year, my house was basically spotless. I loved it, but it was exhausting to keep up. I loved not having to stress if someone wanted to come over. I loved not having to play “find that smell” because I cleaned everything EVERY. DAY.

Cleaning was part of my grieving process & how I chose to cope with things. I still clean daily to feel the illusion of being in control & I “Super Clean” when I feel out of control, mad, or sad.

It wasn’t until I fell out of the habit of super cleaning all the time that I realized what I had been doing. It worked for me. Some days I wish I had never fallen out of that habit, but most days I’m happy I did.

It means I starting actually living life & enjoying it more. It means I got over the hump where I could never cope & went somewhere else in my grieving process.

Normalize not apologizing every time someone comes over!!!

Regardless of why I cleaned so much—-

The fact that we all feel the need to apologize because there is stuff strewn around or our floors aren’t freshly mopped is INSANE.

We need to do better for each other. We need to put ourselves around people that won’t care if they have to move bags, toys, or clothes to sit down. We need to DO BETTER.

I don’t know how we get to the point where we don’t feel we need to explain our “mess”, but we need to figure it out together.

Next time you have company coming over, don’t apologize. There is nothing wrong with not having done the dishes or not having mopped your floor today.

Let’s start there & see how things go.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Forever & For Always

I mean, I didn’t wait. I had someone, I was young & I fall hard & quick, so, that happened.

We had a WHOLE FUCKING LIFE that we thought would last a lifetime. It did. But that wasn’t what we thought it would be exactly.

Then he died & I was alone.

It Sucked.

I was NoT Ok.

And then it was.

I was ok.

I would venture to say I was Really Fucking Good actually.

Then…

I met you.

I was Fucking Fine before you.

I was GooD to Mother Fucking Go.

Then…

I Knew you.

And—

I could no longer UnKnow you.

I didn’t want to.

So…

I kept getting to know you.

Some things, I didn’t like so much, so I started a “Reasons I Love You” list to remind me when we fought why I did. Trying to love Smarter, Not Harder.

I’ve never needed it for that & I add to it almost daily.

Most things pointed toward you being one of the Good Ones.

Turns out…

I just didn’t know you well enough to understand it all.

Now, I do.

And all of it only makes me Love You More.

All of the things that I should put in that “not so great” column, somehow eventually end up in the “actually, this is why & it makes perfect sense” column.

I have tried to make a list of the things I will inevitably end up hating you for.

I have made the list, but you keep crossing them off, one by one.

And…

I only love you more for each one.

With all of your things. All of your, “I don’t understand, but damn, when I do, it makes perfect fucking sense” things.

I don’t even know why I even question things anymore. I really don’t. I know everything in your life has been thought about, dissected, analyzed, & thought about again and then again before you ever made a move.

#YouTime

It makes me giggle, but also makes so much sense.

I am Incredibly Impatient.

YOU are Quite the Opposite.

They say opposites attract, but I never could have imagined you & I with this chemistry.

It’s Unrealistic.

Unreasonable.

Impossible.

But somehow…

It Works.

As with all other things in this world that I know have complex mechanics & science to make them work, but I cannot begin to understand, I accept it, As Is, no questions asked, as MaGiC.

Something meant to be.

For no other reason than it is destiny.

We are meant to be together.

In any space & any time–

We. Would. Be.— No Matter What.

I have no explanation.

No Rhyme.

No Reason.

It just Is & Always Will Be.

That’s it.

And that is all I ever need to know.

We Are.

We Always Were.

We Always Will Be.

I LoVe you Forever & For Always.

Through any dimension.

I will search space & time forever to always be with you. ❤️

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Marriage is HaRd.

March 28, 2017

Marriage is hard. You get 2x the family all at once & you have almost no choice but to like them because you want them to like you so bad. You get 2x the friends & same scenario as before with the family 😳🙄😩

So many things happen & all of a sudden you are here. Kids, several jobs, deaths, births, weddings, unpaid bills, promotions, crazy nights out, YEARS….etc, etc…Life happens.

Marriage is hard.

For those of you who think nothing will change, I did too, but it does.

Relationships are hard. But worth it. When times get tough, the tough get going…

…To bed for late night conversations.

…To therapy.

…To the dinner table.

…To a motha effing movie without the kids.

Relationships are hard work. And you don’t get paid in money. But you will get paid in the true riches of life….LOVE 💜

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Perfect Chaos

“I came home today and like I always do I take a walk through and look at my plants and check out all the new leaves and different growth. It’s something that is very very calming and brings a lot of warmth to my heart. I saw this leaf combination and instantly thought to myself this is a perfect example of perfect order after utter chaos. Even when everything seems to be a jumbled fucking mess there is clarification and order to come. The newest leaf on this Vine is damn near split perfect down the middle. The leaf right before it is a complete utter mixed up mess. It’s not supposed to grow this way it has a mind of its own. It is 100% alive and living. I don’t know it’s just something that kind of hit me and I wanted to share it with you. A lot of times I find myself getting overwhelmed with the chaos and with things not being in order and exactly as I wish they would be. Sometimes I forget that it’s all just temporary and clearer days are on the horizon.” ~Dan Hecht

Thank you, Dan ❤️

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

SaD

I have so much sad right now. I have no idea where the sad is coming from. It’s like any and all sad all just built up when I didn’t even know it was there at all and now All The Fucking Sad is Coming Out.

The sad is So BiG. I’m going to run out of tears.

The sad is So BiG, yet I have no idea where it is coming from.

The sad is So BiG, yet I feel so small and insignificant, like I am not even worthy of this much sad.

I wish the sad would go away.

I guess it is; through my tears.

I can’t stop them, so the sad just keeps flowing.

I hope the sad flows away.

Away from me.

I have no idea where it came from, but it can go back.

I will let the tears flow.

I will let the sad go through me.

I feel like the sad will last forever.

I feel like I am alone with the sad and that in itself makes me more sad.

I feel like no one could ever understand this sad.

But I know people do.

And how alone must they feel?

That makes me extra sad.

I also know the sad will pass.

And until it does,

I have loved ones to help me through….if I let them in. Which is hard. Super Fucking Hard.

It shouldn’t be.

It’s stupid.

But it’s so fucking hard.

So, I don’t let them in, but I allow the sadness to Flow.

Out through my eyes.

Out through my entire shaking body.

Out through my soul.

I know there is life past the sad.

I cannot see it now,

But I know it’s there.

I’ve been here before not even knowing life was one the other side.

This time I do.

I hang onto the knowing that I will get through.

I always have,

So I always will.

That’s what I do.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

When I was a Child…

When I was a child, I imagined being an adult.

Not what I would look like; Not what I would do for a living…

Unbeknownst to me, I was imagining a feeling.

A feeling of utter CaLm. That’s what becoming an adult meant to me.

When I was a child, I watched my parents be happy, fight, & everything in between. The greatest love story of all time involved a little bit of everything. My parents had the “thing.” Whatever that thing is that we all wish to have, they had it. They still do. I had no idea what it was, but I wanted it and never even knew.

Until recently.

I didn’t know –

Until I felt it.

Even then, it took me a long while to process.

When I was a child, I witnessed more than my fair share of marital squabbles. More than my fair share of Loving Embraces. Far More than my fair share of gross, lovey gestures & uncomfortable dinner conversations between my mom & my dad because my dad got a chuckle out of it and it made my mom completely uneasy in front of her kids (LOL). Little did I know, I was witnessing “the feeling

Feeling completely and utterly safe.

C A L M

I So Wish I could say I felt this alone. I thought I had. I thought I was GooD.

But I wasn’t.

How was I to know that I hadn’t until I did?

When I was a child, I longed to feel —

Safe from the Cruel world.

Safe from the Mean & the Hate.

Safe from the Madness.

Yes, it exists. A certain calm and safe that I never knew existed before this.

A sense of Calm.

A sense of Peace.

A sense of Wonder.

and all of a sudden, I am right where I was always supposed to be.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah