When I was a Child…

When I was a child, I imagined being an adult.

Not what I would look like; Not what I would do for a living…

Unbeknownst to me, I was imagining a feeling.

A feeling of utter CaLm. That’s what becoming an adult meant to me.

When I was a child, I watched my parents be happy, fight, & everything in between. The greatest love story of all time involved a little bit of everything. My parents had the “thing.” Whatever that thing is that we all wish to have, they had it. They still do. I had no idea what it was, but I wanted it and never even knew.

Until recently.

I didn’t know –

Until I felt it.

Even then, it took me a long while to process.

When I was a child, I witnessed more than my fair share of marital squabbles. More than my fair share of Loving Embraces. Far More than my fair share of gross, lovey gestures & uncomfortable dinner conversations between my mom & my dad because my dad got a chuckle out of it and it made my mom completely uneasy in front of her kids (LOL). Little did I know, I was witnessing “the feeling”

Feeling completely and utterly safe.

C A L M

I So Wish I could say I felt this alone. I thought I had. I thought I was GooD.

But I wasn’t.

How was I to know that I hadn’t until I did?

When I was a child, I longed to feel —

Safe from the Cruel world.

Safe from the Mean & the Hate.

Safe from the Madness.

Yes, it exists. A certain calm and safe that I never knew existed before this.

A sense of Calm.

A sense of Peace.

A sense of Wonder.

and all of a sudden, I am right where I was always supposed to be.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

ThAnK YoU ❤️

The thought of another. The thought of an after. The thought of a future. That was never a thing. It was so far out there that I didn’t ever consider it as a possibility. It wasn’t in my mind. It wasn’t in my plan.

Care for me & my boys. That was the plan. Protect them. Be there for them. Somehow give them a life in which we can honor their father and I can give them the positive male role models they need to become good, kind, smart, well-rounded men. People we can all be proud of. People I can proudly exclaim, “I raised them. They are mine & they are good.”

That was the only thing I cared about.

Then came you. You were everything I never knew I always needed. You didn’t want or need me. You had your life handled & your life was good. You are a good man with good morals. You never wished to replace their dad & you never will. And that is completely acceptable. You were never meant for that.

You were meant to be exactly who you already are. A GooD person. Kind. Loving. Patient. Accepting. More understanding than I ever was.

Appropriately guarded from past experiences & acceptionally good at keeping your walls up. Stubborn to say the Very Least. But willing to move when you deemed it appropriate.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds – some wounds will never heal. Time does remind us we are still here. We must keep going. We must move forward even in the times we don’t want to. So, we do. We move forward. Things change. Things are different forever and for always, but some things do change for the better.

We meet new people. Good, Amazing people. We build new relationships we never even dreamed we’d ever have and for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for you. The man who came after. The man who understands the duality in which we all will live forever. The man who does not wish to compete with a dead man, but who still wishes to be an exemplary example for me & my boys.

No matter how much you don’t want to be recognized for it or admit it, you are our hero. You are an incredible human who sets an exceptional example for our children every day & we are Lucky & Grateful for you.

I love you So Much & cannot imagine life without you. Thank you. ❤️

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

I Hate It

I hate that I have no one here to help when I get so frustrated & my tv won’t work.

I hate that I have no help putting the kids to bed any of the nights.

I hate that I am always in charge of dinner.

I hate that I am the only person to get the kids up & to school on time.

I hate that I have to do all the laundry all of the time beginning to end.

I hate that I have to get my own food if I’m hungry.

I hate that in order to ensure I have a working vehicle at all times I have to have a back up vehicle.

I hate that when I’m comfy & thirsty I have to give one up to get another.

I hate that I have to answer questions like, “What kind of things are you now missing because he is gone?”

I hate that you have to communicate with us via electronics & dreams.

I hate that I cannot hear your laugh in real time.

I hate that I will forever be our kids’ #1 fan with no contest.

I hate that I can’t share new movies or TV shows with you.

I hate that I am constantly in situations where I know if you were here you would handle immediately & easily.

I hate that almost every relationship I had with those who knew you has changed and most not for the better.

I hate that I can’t get your opinion on the current U.S. climate.

I hate that I am the only person who can fight for you/us.

I Hate It.

I hate that you Died.

I hate that you’re Gone.

I hate that you’re Never coming back.

I hate that our kids will grow up Without Their Dad.

I hate that I can’t change things.

I Hate that I will always Miss you.

I Hate that I will always Love you.

I Hate that on the worst days it makes me Hate the World.

I Hate It.

I LoVe YoU.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah