Things You Should Know about My Trauma from the Death of My Husband

Crazy title, I know, but I didn’t really know what else to title it. Things you should know? Reasons I am the way I am? Well, when it comes to this subject and grief, there are so many things I wish so many people knew or would know or could comprehend, but that is like, 1,000 other posts worth and not what this is about exactly, So, Anyways…I digress…

I really only have 2 (what I consider) traumas from my late husband, Jess Sr’s death. I consider myself lucky in this regard. Could be worse. Don’t get me wrong (or do, I really don’t care), my life has drastically changed since February. I mainly decided to take what I had and roll with it. I was reminded how important it is to cease the day and do happy, whatever that may be for you. I am constantly working on being more present and learning how to passively relax.

My Traumas:

1. People I love driving. I never used to worry about those I loved while driving. I would maybe say an extra prayer when someone was on a long road trip, but I never worried about anything majorly bad happening. Now, it’s all the time.

When I say “Be careful” and you are only 10 minutes from your destination, you may think it’s silly, but I am dead serious. Jess Sr. was 10 minutes from where he was to his home and he made it maybe 1-2 minutes down the road. Me telling you to be careful is not automatic. It is a conscious thought I have every time and I want to share it with you because I care. It’s another version of me saying “I love you & care about you So Much & Really want you to do everything in your power to stay here.” It’s also a reminder from me to you that anything can happen whether you are 10 minutes or 10 hours from where you plan to end up.

Be Vigilant.

Be Careful, please.

2. When I expect to hear from someone I love and I don’t and I cannot get a hold of them.

If I am supposed to meet you somewhere and you are not there, I immediately freak out. I calm myself down pretty quickly with logical thought and actions, but I am freaking out until I find out where you are.

When I text you, message you and eventually call you if I have not heard from you when I thought I would, it’s not because I have to know where you are or what you’re doing, it’s because I fear you might be dead. I know it seems ridiculously dramatic to most and people spend time away from their devices (Hello, working on doing that myself here), but I can’t help it. The last time I was trying to get a hold of a loved one who should have been responding/showing up and never did, he was dead. Believe me, I will wait and wait as long as I can, but my “as long as I can” is probably a lot shorter than others in this regard. I will scour social media to see if you have posted, commented or been active to find a speck of you being alive. That’s all I need to see. I will text a friend to see if they have heard from you before I freak all the way out and let you know I thought something may have happened to you. Most often, the person I am thinking is dead and freaking out about doesn’t ever find out I thought that at all. I’ve never told anyone I do this except one time when I freaked out on my parents who had my kids and weren’t where they were supposed to be and weren’t answering their phones/messages. This was actually the first time this happened to me and I realized I have this issue now. I am not trying to be weird or hover or be possessive or annoying.

You do you, just let me know you’re not dead please.

When I say “I love you” as I am hanging up the phone and pulling up to meet you, every time we talk or 1,000 times in 2 hours, it’s not automatic or because I think you want to hear it that much. I say “I love you” so much because I do, life is always too short and even when it is long, you can never say “I love you” too much to those you care for. I want you to know I love you and never have any doubt. I never want to think back and regret not saying it, even once. I never want you to have to think back and wonder if.

If I hug you, you are important to me. And I will probably hug you every time I see you. (Same reasons as above with “I love you”). I will also probably hug you tight and sometimes long. The last time I hugged my husband it was a half-hug. He was sitting, I was hurrying to an appointment, he had a kid on his lap, etc, etc.. I’m never going to make that mistake with anyone I love ever again. Plus, Hugs with people you love are THE BEST.

I know the world doesn’t revolve around me. I know these things are not considered “normal” & do not conform to how most of the world thinks. This is how My world works (at least for) now, whether I like it or not. You are part of my world, so I thought you should know.

Be careful.

I love you.

Good night.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

My kids told me they wish I were dead and I’m ok with that.

“Momma, if I had to choose which parent I wanted to die, I would have chose for you to die.”

Cool, dude. That’s freaking awesome.

Not exactly the words you want to hear come out of your 8 year old or 5 year old’s mouth. But, I’m ok with it. This is all part of the grieving process for them. They remember their dad as a Superhero & I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“He’s stronger than you mom, so he could protect us better. He always did fun stuff with us. He would never date anyone if you had died, ever again. He’s the Best cuddler. He used to have epic Nerf battles with us & you don’t like Nerf wars that much, mom. We always had fun with him. Plus, he let us sleep with him a lot more than you do, mom.”

This is exactly how I want my boys to remember their dad. There were so many situations they witnessed and words they heard him say that they could remember about him, but they choose all the happy. All the love. That makes me smile, even if it means I am the not fun one, I am the one who “always is cleaning”, the one who hates Nerf wars and never lets them sleep in my bed on school nights.

When you lose someone close to you, you grieve. You tend to remember most of the good and dismiss the bad. It helps and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. They are gone, but we are still here and if forgetting all of the heartbreak and choosing to highlight the happy helps you move on, do it.

When you watch your children lose their other parent it is a special kind of heartbreak. A kind I wish on no one ever. You know that feeling you get when something bad happens to your kid and you can’t do anything to make it better? Times that by a million and you’re still not even close to the pain you feel for your child. Helpless, alone, clueless. If this is you, I’m sorry and you are not alone.

People tell me it’s not personal when my kids say they wish it had been me that died and not their dad. I know this, of course. It’s part of their grieving process. Adults have issues with all of the what-ifs after an unexpected death and I have found children go a little more down the what-if rabbit hole than we let ourselves as adults. Still, it’s extremely difficult to hear your kid say that to you. Especially when you are having a lackaday and beating yourself up because dad would have gotten them to bed on time (apparently by letting them sleep with him) & they would listen to dad, but will not listen to you.

Grieving children on top of a bad grieving day for you is the recipe for an awful, emotional night. I choose to set aside my grief when they are sharing theirs with me. I choose to listen. I choose to listen and not react how I am feeling inside. Instead, I tell them I understand, I tell them I love them, I tuck them in and put them to bed. Then, I can take time to deal with me. I cry. I cry some more. Last night, I got mad, which is new for me.

“First he goes and dies on me leaving me to do ALL of the things for these kids alone and NOW they throw salt on the wound by telling me they wish it were me and not him?!” This isn’t fair. This is bullshit.

I cry more. I get more mad because I hate crying and it makes me mad when I cry and I cry when I get mad, so I cry more. Eventually, I reach out to someone and tell them I’m having a bad night. They let me vent. They offer advice if the conversation warrants it. If not, they are just there, listening. I am so thankful for that. It’s really trippy to sit there grieving about your dead husband as well as your children’s father (same person, 2 different grieving processes. I know, right?) wondering “Who the hell can I talk to about this? Who can I burden with this kind of problem I find myself in?” It seems impossible that anyone would be willing to deal with this, but I am lucky to have a few people I can reach out to and I did. (Thank you)

Grieving sucks.

There’s no wrong way to grieve. You do you, boo.

Let the kids grieve. Be there for them. Listen to them without judgment no matter what. They need to become happy, healthy, kind humans. Children are the future.

Lastly, if you are a grieving Widow(er)/Parent, YOU’VE GOT THIS.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

So Damn Happy

Over the years, she tightened her circle. Only the strong and caring survived. She had been broken over and over and had to re-fix herself so many times. She had given so many people so many chances. She would put up that wall when the trust was broken, then, with time, the wall came down. It was more like an old garage door. Inevitably, the trust would be broken and the negativity would shine through. It made her sad for those people. And mad at herself for letting it happen (again). She was tired. She was EXHAUSTED. She realized she was spending a lot of her time and energy on reaching out to people who never reached out for her. She didn’t want to stop, Caring was her nature. For the record, she never stopped caring, she simply stopped utilizing her energy for those who constantly only responded or did not respond at all.

She focused her time and energy on the people and things that meant the most to her. She was always bored. Often very lonely. Very few people made the cut and wanted to intimately share their lives with her. She is so open and probably shares far too much with people, so not sharing, not texting random thoughts to certain people, sharing memes that remind her of them, is hard. But she was wasting energy. Sure, she was maybe making others feel good about themselves and she loved helping people, but it was time to feel good about and help herself. This meant first focusing on the relationships in which all parties make an equal effort. Suddenly, her life became incredibly less complex.

The time she spent messaging people who never messaged her, she spent praying for them, sending good vibes and learning about herself. The energy she spent on those things, she spent on her children. Her relationship with them. Three boys equals three individual human beings that each need a good relationship with their mother. She put down her phone. She turned off the TV. She bookmarked her book. She stopped and she listened. Instead of being alone in the kitchen for one of the three hours she got every night with her boys, she invited them in to cook with her. It was SO MUCH MORE MESSY, but worth it. They laughed. They cried. She yelled sometimes. They learned how to cook. They got to spend time with their mom.

She made herself a promise to say Yes at least once a day.

Instead of cleaning, she said Yes to “Will you play a game with me?” She scheduled a date to have her 7 year old teach her how to play Roblox so they could play together because that was what he wanted to do with his mom. Did she even like video games? NO. She is actually pretty sure video games came directly from the devil himself. But, she downloaded Roblox. She totally sucks at it, but is learning how to play from her child every week. She makes a Roblox date every week with her son and she will play no matter how many times she knows she will die within the first two minutes. Because that will make him feel loved and cared about.

She still wonders a lot about all of those people who she has no contact with anymore besides social media. She still cares. She still prays for them and sends them good vibes. She still wishes them well. But she has re-prioritized.

She is HaPpY & at PeAcE.

So Damn Happy.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Y’all…I finished a book! #BossedUp

Y’all, I finished an entire book! I am not historically a reliable reader, meaning I could not tell you the last time I finished a book, so this is a pretty big deal for me. It was the perfect book for me to kick start a good habit again! I read a book by Emilie Aries named Bossed Up. To say that I loved this book would be a gross understatement. I decided I wanted to read a book, but could not find one I thought I wanted to read. Bossed Up was gifted to me by a dear friend & I decided to try it out.

Initially, I did not think a book about helping you grow your business would benefit or interest me that much. I do have several businesses, but I was not actively or aggressively working on growing them when I started the book. This book is not only for people growing a business! You don’t even need to own a business to enjoy this book.

“Don’t overexplain and don’t sugarcoat it when “no” is your final answer.” ~Emilie Aries

As I started reading this book, I loved the author’s tone. It was authentic & real; Attributes I try to convey in my life & greatly appreciate from others. Although I did not feel the book was calling to me, I was determined to read the whole thing, so I kept reading. Being a single provider with a full-time job, I used to find it hard to carve time out of my day to read. I am thankful I have a job now where I get one hour between when I drop my last kid off at the bus and when I have to be at work. Calculating travel time, I only had about 20-30 minutes in the morning to read. Some mornings I wouldn’t read because I hadn’t showered or gotten ready yet, the house needed cleaned, etc., but I read in the morning about every other day. I carried the book with me everywhere I went. By the way, this is a great conversation starter! If I was in a waiting room, waiting for a friend to meet up or found myself with even a few minutes to spare, I read. I soon was enthralled in this book I didn’t think would speak to me.

Take a book everywhere you go & use the spare minutes you have to read it!

The author, Emilie Aries, is authentic. She uses her own life experiences as examples for whatever she is talking about in the book. She also has sections in the book where she highlights other people & their stories. On top of that, there are a few different sections in the book that tell you to take action right then & there. “Stop & do this.” “Write down that.” For my short attention span, this was perfect. The book was broken up into perfect sections to where if I was about to get tired of the section I was in, I could see the shift in sections on the next page or two.

The first “Action Section” where she asks you to do something was where I got really excited. Typically, I would read what I am supposed to do and then just keep on reading the book without doing it. I decided if I was going to get the full experience of this book, I needed to follow the author’s directions. I even wrote on the top corner of the first action page, “This is the best part of the book!”

“You cannot go back and stand in front of fun-house mirrors time and again and hope to see something less freaky….I happen to believe it’s a lot more effective to find some new mirrors instead.” ~Emilie Aries

After I did the exercise in the first Action section of Bossed Up, I could not get enough. I started finding more & more time to read this book so I could finish it sooner. I actually wanted to wait at the different places I went & hoped for people to be late for things so I could get a few pages in! I got more & more excited about how I would take these ideas & plans & implement them in my life. I am purposely not going into detail about these ideas, thoughts & plans because, well, there’s already a book on that & you should read it!

I went to a group therapy session on a Thursday & shared I was almost done with my book. My therapist challenged me to finish it by the next week’s meeting. I love a challenge. I finished the book that night! The following week, I started taking more actions to follow through with what I learned from the book. About myself, my life & how I am going to achieve all of my goals & dreams. I am pretty excited about it! I have laid out my B.H.A.G.s (again, Read the Book to find out what this is!) & have Actions figured out in order to achieve what I want. I am holding myself accountable, sharing the actions with those I love so they can hold me accountable & I have created a visual & put it where it is right in front of my face every day.

I really want everyone reading this, everyone in my life, everyone I have ever met, everyone everywhere to have the BeSt, Most Satisfying, Fulfilled life they can have. I genuinely want people to be HAPPY. This book has a lot of Very Good Thoughts as well as Suggestions on how to make your BeSt life happen. If you do not read another book all year long, READ THIS ONE!

Own your power. Know your worth. Write yourself a better story.

***Thank you, Emilie Aries, Andie Hines-Lagemann & Linda Doerr for getting this book to me. I am so sad I took so long to read it & also missed my chance this year to see Emilie & go to one of her workshops! I appreciate y’all believing in me even when I was in no shape to believe in myself. ***

MAKE GOOD CHOICES!

~Love & Light, Sarah

P.S. I am reading a new book by Eckhart Tolle titled A New Earth. It is also SUCH A GOOD BOOK! Will update on this one when I finish!

And then there were 4….

The story of the day my husband died.

The Voirols were a family of 5. Mom, Dad, Jack, Jess Jr. & Charlie. Our lives were far from perfect, but when Jess Sr. & I were hanging with our boys; those were the best days.

Jess Sr. & I had separated in September. Jess Sr. had moved out of the family home and into an apartment about 5 minutes away. He normally had the boys 2 days a week and would take them more often if his work schedule allowed. From September through December, some bad stuff went down between us. It was ugly. Our relationship was not good at all. In January, we started to get along again. He normally had the boys on Saturdays, so we started hanging out as a family on those days. We started attending church again on Sundays. Jess & I really were the best team. The skills each of us possessed complimented each other perfectly so we could get anything done well. Co-parenting proved to be easy as long as the two of us were getting along.

February 20, 2019, I woke up to a school text stating school was canceled due to icy, slick road conditions. I texted Jess to see if I should bring the boys over before I went to work. He had the day off and was supposed to have the boys that day. I figured he worked late the night before and would wake up, get my message and go get the boys. I left for work with my oldest in charge “until dad gets here.”

I was busy at work trying to finalize payroll before the deadline. I had texted Jess several times and called as well with no response. I kept in contact with my oldest and had a friend go check on the kids. I would finish payroll, then leave early to figure everything out. A rep came into my office and would NOT stop talking for me to finish payroll. I was super annoyed. My assistant (also a very close friend of myself & Jess Sr.), Allyse, knocked on my door and said my mom was there to say hi. “Thank goodness!” I thought. An excuse to get out of my office!

I walked out to see my mom smiling at me. She told me she and my dad, who was in the car, were out running errands and stopped by to say hello. I told her I couldn’t get a hold of Jess Sr. and asked her to stop by his apartment to check on him to make sure he was ok. She said “of course” with a smile on her face. Turns out, she already knew. That is why she and my dad had come. To be there when I found out. Holy shit. I have no idea how she kept her composure.

As Mom and I talked, I was facing the front parking lot, so I could see the cars coming and going. I could see my dad sitting in the car. We were talking about the kids and I noticed a sheriff pull up in front of my work. This sight did not surprise me since there was a gun shop next door to us and law officials were always going in and out. But this time, the sheriff walked into my work. He looked toward me and Allyse (I was standing next to her desk) and asked if I was Sarah. “Yes.” I said, kind of scared I was going to jail not knowing what I had done.

“Do you have an office we can talk in?”

“Yes.”

As we were walking into my office, I say nonchalantly, “Is this about Jess?” He nodded yes and gently urged me to proceed into my office. I said something to the effect of, “Oh great, what did he do now?” Thinking he was in jail or possibly hurt in the hospital. Thinking Jess Sr. had done yet another thing that would add stress for me and cause relationship problems for the two of us. I wondered to myself how much this mistake would cost in money, time and emotional distress.

The sheriff closed my office door and suggested I sit down. I wasn’t having that. Nope. I’m a big girl, Lay it on me. I will deal with this obstacle the same way I deal with all of them – Head on. Little did I know what I was about to hear.

“Jess got into a car accident very early this morning. His car went over a ditch, flipped and he did not make it.”

“Wait. WHAT?!?” is what I think I replied. “Wait. What? Can you please repeat that?” He did. And I heard it that time. My mom nodded her head to verify it was true.

“No…..No, no, no, NO, NO, NOOOOO!” I cried.

I fell over. I cried. I screamed some more.

“He’s fucking DEAD?!?!? No, no, no. He can’t be! He’s fucking dead?!” I asked the officer.

“Yes. Unfortunately, your husband, Jess, is dead.”

I cried crouching on the floor. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Allyse and my dad came in. I screamed and cried some more. The officer left. I screamed some more.

Now what?

I asked my mom to go check on the boys and sit with them until I got home. She and my dad agreed to do that. My parents had already found out about Jess. The police couldn’t figure out where I worked and I wasn’t home (they had gone to my house when my kids were there alone to tell me. My kids knew the rules and did not open the door, thank God). The police called my business, DiG’s, phone number and my dad picked up. He argued with them for several minutes, but they finally told him why they had to contact me. He and my mom told them where to find me, immediately got into their car and came to be there so they could be present when I found out. God bless them.

My parents left. Allyse and I went outside.

“I have to finish payroll or no one will get paid.” I told her.

She assured me our boss would figure it out if I left.

“No. No one else can do payroll. No one knows how. I have to stay and do it.” I insisted.

Anything to avoid the reality of life right now, I thought.

“FUCK. I have to go tell my kids their dad is fucking dead.” I thought.

I returned to my office. I sat down at my desk, picked up my phone and texted my best friend/cousin, “Jess Sr. is fucking dead.”

I finished payroll with tears streaming down my face. Angry, wanting to yell. Thinking that if I can only scream loud enough at someone, it wouldn’t be true. But it was.

Allyse took me home.

“I have to tell my boys their fucking dad is dead, dude. How the fuck am I supposed to do that?”

She and I talked it through. My mom and Allyse would both be there, so it would be 3 on 3. Three adults to three kids. We decided who would sit with each kid as I told them. We got home. We executed the plan. I watched my boys’ hearts break.

The Voirols used to be a family of 5. And then there were 4…..

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Show Up

A lot of people do not understand the importance of showing up. Let me tell you, it is one of the most important things.

When someone close to a person dies, people just show up at their house. That day, the next day and for several weeks after (if one is lucky). Most of the people I know would not want anyone to come over to their house if a close loved one to them died. They would want to be alone. However, we, as humans, all know that person needs to be around people, so we go. We hang out at someone’s house and may not even talk to the person who just found out their entire life changed that day or week, but we are there. It is super awkward for the person grieving normally and I am sure just as weird for those who show up, but we DO IT ANYWAYS. We somehow know that is what needs done. We show up and it is helpful somehow. I can’t tell you why this is even important, I just know it is. I now look back and am extremely thankful for those who took their own time out of their schedules and showed up for me.

WAIT….Why do most people only do this when someone dies?! Must some tragedy happen for others to take time out of their schedules to show up every once in a while? Sadly, for most, this is true. We are busy. We work, have side gigs, school, kids’ activities, family obligations, and the list goes on and on. We see our schedules as too busy to simply show up to all of the things we might want to be there for in other people’s lives. I get it, trust me. I am busy too and too often I do not show up for other people when I want to. But listen…we need to do better at showing up for each other.

My kids had their very first BMX race the other day. I had texted it out to my parents and brother inviting them all without receiving a response, so I didn’t say anything to my kids about anyone coming. Guess what? They all showed up! My boys were so excited to see their family and to have them watch their new activity. My parents and my brother and his family had all come from previous obligations and left to go do more things in their lives, but they took time out of their schedules and showed up for my boys.

Today is one of my dear friend’s birthdays. We don’t talk or hang out as much as I would like at all, but I always remember her birthday. I remembered this morning as I was between bus stops and I shot her a quick “Happy Birthday” text sending love & well wishes. Unfortunately, I do have prior obligations and may not be able to go see her today, but that text was my version in this situation of showing up. It’s not always a grand gesture or physically being there. It is reaching out when you think of someone in any way, shape or form. (Happy birthday, Amber!)

Oh my goodness, now that I am thinking about this topic, I have so many things to say. Ok, here I go…

Social Media Likes Are Not Showing Up

One may think, “I like all of their Instagram posts, so I am showing up for that person.” One would be wrong in my opinion. Unless your friend has specifically told you that liking their social media posts is the best, most supportive thing you can do for them, that is NOT showing up for that person. Supportive? Maybe. Showing up? Nope. I have people on social media who “Like” my posts more often than some people I speak to every day. Social media is not real life. If you have time to comment on my picture on Facebook, then you have time to shoot me a text.
I will say, I am somewhat obsessed with social media and I do use different platforms to communicate with different friends through the messaging apps. That, I would say, is showing up. Some people never text back, but always reply to a Snapchat message or Facebook message (I don’t know how to use the Instagram one). Learning which friends use what and using these to stay in touch is amazing and helps out relationships in such a huge way. Technology isn’t 100% evil all the time.

Be Intentional

(& Not an A**hole)

Part of showing up is being intentional with your planning. Can we please all just stop making plans we don’t intend to keep? No one wins in this situation and anxiety is had by all until it all goes down. Learn to limit yourself, covet your time, grow a backbone and say no if you do not intend to follow through. I used to be the worst at making plans and canceling at the last minute. Having kids made it so easy to commit to something and use any kid excuse in the book to get out of it if I didn’t feel like going the day of, which was every time. The amount of anxiety leading up to the event about whether I should go or wanted to coupled with the amount of guilt I felt for canceling all of the time at the last minute had me all wound up in my own head filled with negative thoughts and fears. The minute I decided not to commit to anything I knew I would not end up doing or even might not end up wanting to do, I felt so much better about my choices. Do I still commit to things and have to cancel because of last minute situations or kid things? Of course I do, but nowadays, I do not feel guilty about it because life does get in the way sometimes and I did actually want to do the event when I said yes!

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I can tell you all day, every day, 365 days a year that you are the most important person to me, but if I never actually make an effort to hang out with you or see you, is it true? I don’t think so. Showing up via messaging and texting is fairly simple and takes little to no time. Many times, it is all you need to do to stay connected in certain relationships with people you see every once in a while. However, if a person is claiming to love you, care for you so deeply, be your best friend, etc.. and is never the one to make the effort to see you, that is not showing up. Showing up in this kind of relationship is physically showing up. Not all the time, but sometimes at least. Again, we are all busy, we work a lot, we have kids, spouses, work, clubs, church, etc.. You know what? I do too. If I can somehow manage to come visit you wherever you are, you could somehow manage to come visit me too. I often rearrange my schedule to go see people I want to see. Mind you, I am a planner, so I plan to do these things days in advance, but even if I weren’t, I could still find time in my day for those that are important to me. Everyone does. Whatever you spend your free time doing, whether it is in the morning, afternoon or evenings, is actually what is most important to you. Whether it is playing Candy Crush, building a business, reading a bible or being with those you love, whether you want to admit it or not, that is what you value most. If you show up physically for those you love, even if only for a few minutes, they will appreciate it. I promise you. And Voirols never break promises.

Most Importantly – SHOW UP FOR YOURSELF

Emily Aries, author of the book, Bossed Up, said it best when she said, “Showing up is what you do when you really love someone, so give yourself & your vision the same courtesy.” You cannot pour from an empty cup. If you make an appointment with a doctor, potential employee or club member, you, most likely, always show up. Promise to have a McDonald’s date with your kid? You are there. What about the last thing you promised yourself you would do? Did you show up for that?

Did you promise yourself you would get up today and exercise for a half hour? Did you keep that promise? What about that diet you were going to start last week? Have you been eating healthier? I would be wrong to put so much emphasis on showing up for others if I did not point out that you need to show up for yourself. Maybe that does look like playing Candy Crush for 30 minutes every day or watching Netflix or reading a book or simply waking up every morning 2 minutes earlier to write down things you are thankful for (<<<This will drastically change your life for the better). Whatever it means for you to show up for yourself to give yourself time to chill and relax, you need to make sure you SHOW UP AND DO IT! The happier and healthier you are with yourself and in your life, the more love and good you can spread to the world. I believe we are on this earth, in large part, to be there for one another. For the human connection. You need to also be in connection and at peace with your soul and the universe in order to best contribute to the world. And let’s face it, you’re freaking amazing, so the world needs you!

Long story, not so short, be there physically, mindfully, intentionally, don’t be an a**hole & show up for yourself and others.

Make Good Choices.

~Love & Light, Sarah

The titles of my Blog Posts

Hi! I feel compelled to explain the intention of the titles of my blog posts. I do not need to justify myself to anyone, but think it makes sense to clarify before people get all up in arms or something.

I am writing about my life. Grief is a big part of it. My husband died & I have kids & we are all grieving & probably will be forever. My hope is that through this blog I can help someone who may be going through any similar situation as I am (even non-grief related). That being said, one of the main reasons I started this blog was to help people. When I had a question in the first six months of my grieving, I did not often turn to a trusted loved one or a professional. I turned to Google. And when I was googling my situation(s), I found nothing. I want to be as visible as possible to as many people as possible so I can help them get through whatever they are going through.

My Googling looks a lot like this:

“My husband died and left me with our three kids to raise and I don’t know wtf to do”

“Chic from America’s Got Talent who sings the roots song that she wrote”

“What is that show with the 2 guys who go around looking in old barns for stuff that is worth money so they can resell it?”

You get the picture. Anyways, what I am getting at is that when people Google things, they don’t often search for a witty, well-thought out blog post title. They search for real life situations they are in using the most common thought processes they have. Or at least I do. I figure, what can it hurt to be blunt in my titles? Nothing. What can it help? It can help people to find exactly what they need when they need it.

Make Good Choices.

~Love & Light, Sarah

The best friend I ever had is dead.

The best friend I ever had (my husband) is dead. For a long time, it was hard for me to remember he was my best friend. I promise you if you had asked me who my best friend was when he was alive, he would not have been the first name out of my mouth. The last few (or more) years of our relationship were not our best when it came to our relationship. We still had a lot of good times in those years (how could you not with Jess Sr.), but there were probably more difficult times, more tumultuous, how are we ever going to get past this times. At the time of his death we were separated and he had moved out of our family home. Contrary to his Facebook page, we were not divorced. I won’t go into all of the ugly details of our inner turmoil, but we still both loved one another very much. We were both working on ourselves. We were crushing it in the co-parenting department & we were figuring out what our future together looked like. My kids would ask me every single day if we were getting a divorce. My answer was always, “Not right now. We are still figuring things out.” When the boys asked me if I still loved their dad, I always replied, “Very much.”

The thing about grief is that no one grieves the same. I can’t tell you what I have gone through since February 20, 2019. It is even hard for me to comprehend & I am the one who went through it. I can tell you this grieving will never end for me. It will morph and change, but it will never end. Some days I feel so, so heavy. Others, like I can take on the world. And other days, like I HAVE to take on the world. I am still here, so I need to do all the things. I need to make a difference. I need to do everything I want to, when I want to because I still get to be here on this earth & also because I could be gone tomorrow.

I do know my grief has changed. I don’t know if the first 6 months I was in shock, denial or what. I am very logic-driven, so I kept reminding myself Jess was dead. I never didn’t know he had died, but if my life was going “too good” in my mind, if I ever felt like maybe I didn’t think about Jess enough that day or when I saw his picture or spent time with my kids, I would tell myself this fact. I was afraid I wasn’t feeling all the feelings, so I would say, “Jess is fucking dead. He’s gone.” to ‘remind’ myself of the reality of our situation. Turns out, when I was feeling any feeling, it was more of an anger thing. More of I hadn’t moved on from the anger I held from where we were in our relationship when he died to start feeling the feelings from his death. Now the feelings are really coming in strong. I mean, I hate feeling feelings, so when I say strong, they are strong for me. I am still functioning. I am still loving my life & everyone in it. I am still very grateful for where I am & the people who are here with me. But…I miss him.

Jess and I spent 15 years together. We started as stupid, young kids & basically grew up together. Our love went from lust to never-ending & unbreakable. Our relationship went from two young singles getting together to creating a family, a home & a life together with everything intertwined. We both grew together & as separate individuals. We couldn’t have been more polar opposite from the start. We learned everything about each other, heard every story from one another more than 100 times & knew almost everything about each other. I would tell Jess of a problem I had & he would tell me what I was going to do before I even knew. That was always crazy to me. How can someone know you better than you know yourself?!

Even if the marriage was over, even if we would never have been more than best friends, the loss is very real & it is there. He was always on my side even when he knew I was wrong. Even when it could be proven that I was wrong. Even when I was not always on his side. He had my back like no other. Even if our marriage had ended up in divorce, we were helping each other through life just as we had the past 15 years. We were raising 3 gentlemen together, teaching them all of the things. The perfect balance between my type-A-ness & his wild, loving soul.

Something that has really been bothering me recently is that if I want advice from someone or to vent about something in my life, I have to explain the back story. UGH! The only person who knew every situation and all of the people in my life was Jess. I could go to him, tell him what happened & he got it. No explanation needed. It’s very frustrating when you have to explain every back story every time you want to vent & get it over with. It’s a true case of “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” for me because I had no idea this was happening when he was here or how much I would miss it.

It’s hard to describe losing your best friend. It’s hard to imagine without having gone through it.

Make Good Choices.

~Love & Light, Sarah

P.S. Please know I love & appreciate all of the people who remain by my side and are there for me daily. In no way is this post meant to demean any of my current relationships or make anyone feel bad. It is to encourage others and let them know they are not alone if they too have lost their best friend.

Hello, My name is Sarah.

Lots of people know me. Or they know their version of me anyways. If you’re reading this, I imagine we’ve met in real life, so I don’t really know what to say about myself. Here’s a simple summary: I am 34, a mother of 3 boys, a widow, a lover, a peace seeker, a Jesus follower, an Auburn fan (War Eagle), a Yankees & Packers fan & so many other things. I most definitely have hippie tendencies. I love oils & am getting into crystals too. I hope I can spread love & light & help anyone who may find themselves in a situation I have been in before or am in now. I am always trying to better myself & follow my HeArT.

That’s a good start, but there is so much more. I guess if I were a vegetable, I would be an onion, or hopefully some veggie that has lots of layers, but doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth.

As an adult, I find it more & more difficult to describe myself. So many things happen in life. You get a new title with every situation you find yourself in.

Secretary. Server. Mom. Daughter. Wife. Adult. Manager. Sister. Widow. Cousin. Homeowner. Volunteer. Random person dancing in the aisle at the gas station.

Although all of those words help define who I am, they do not completely describe or identify ME.

One of my all-time favorite quotes is: “Maybe you are what you can’t not be.” ~John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

(After looking at some images & quotes while trying to figure out who to give credit for the quote, I have determined I really need to read this book)

Now that’s deep.

The things I can’t not be…that’s hard. I think it might be easier for other people who know me to say that. It would certainly be interesting & enlightening for me, I’m sure. Please let me know what you think I can’t not be in the comments! P.S. Please remember to Be KiNd!!

I think I will start by listing the things I can’t not LoVe:

*Rainbows & rainbow-colored things

*Flowy skirts & shirts

*Wearing a favorite baseball hat

*Going on adventures

*Watching my children enjoy themselves

*Helping people reach their goals

*Helping people in general

*Sleeping

*Laughing until I snort (that’s how you know I really enjoyed it)

*Being silly & making my kids laugh (this is the BEST)

*Singing like no one is listening (which hopefully no one is because I am lacking in the beautiful voice department)

*Anything that is thrilling enough to scare me quite a bit, but I am pretty sure won’t kill or maim me

*Writing

*Cleaning & organizing & staring at the awesomeness for probably too long after

*Hiking; especially when it requires climbing or it is raining

*Oils, crystals, the law of attraction & connecting with the universe

*God — He & I are tight

Those are from the top of my head. I’m sure there are more, I really love life & a lot of things it offers, but for now, I believe my work is done!

Make Good Choices

~Love & Light, Sarah

Offer to Help #notadoctor

I was reminded today that far too often, people wait until something tragic happens to get themselves help. I want to change that. If you only read this far, feel alone & are struggling with something, please message me. Contact me and I will help you get the help you need. I am not a therapist. I am not a doctor. Hell, I don’t even have a college degree. I am human. I do realize A LOT of people are struggling with life and challenges alone. Drug addiction, mental illness, trauma, alcohol abuse. I also recognize this needs to change. We all have different reasons for not reaching out. Shame, fear of being exposed or vulnerable, fear of becoming a burden on someone. Maybe you reached out before and it did not turn out so well. Maybe your struggle is so secret, no one else knows. No matter WHY you are in the situation you are in to feel so alone, please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am here. I am asking you to please reach out and I will figure out how to get you the help you need. Y’all…We deserve to be happy. We deserve to be our BeSt SeLvEs. YOU deserve to get the help you need to be able to be happy. There is no one in this world that is YOU. THAT is how special you are. Let me say it again for the people in the back— YOU ARE FUCKING SPECIAL. YOU DESERVE TO BE TRULY HAPPY!!! Life does not come with a manual on how to deal. Nor does life come with unlimited (or any) counseling sessions or classes to teach you how to deal in a healthy way. So, we learn to deal however we do. Normally taught by those around us and how they deal. All of these coping mechanisms are not healthy. They seemingly work for us. Most unhealthy coping mechanisms are only temporary though, so they become bad habits we practice to continually trick ourselves into “feeling better”. They stop working, but we hardly notice as now they are part of our daily lives and simply “what we do”. They are what we do when we feel those negative emotions. The hurt. The anger. The sadness. By adulthood, they are habits, so it turns into what we do not only when we are sad, mad and hurt, but also when we are happy, celebrating or even bored. I’m here to tell you there are better ways! Do I know all of them? No, not even a fraction, but I am learning some and they are positively life-changing. I had a friend reach out to me today and simply text: “I need help. I don’t know where to start.” I dug deeper and asked a few more specific questions and help direct them to how to get the help they want and need. All I did was a quick search and I provided them with a place and phone number. ~*Was it scary for that person to reach out and ask me for help? I am 100% sure that answer is Yes. ~Did I feel they were weak, shameful or stupid for telling me their problems and asking for help? ABSOLUTELY NOT. ~What DO I feel about that person? So freaking proud. So very thankful they felt comfortable enough with me to ask for help. I am in awe of their strength and bravery to not only admit to themself they need help, but to also reach out when they had no clue how to get the help they need. ***To that person (you know who you are): You are such an amazing person and I have your back 150%*** To Everyone Else: Reach out! Ask for help! It does not have to be through me. I know less than John Snow, but I am here. I am able and willing. And I vow to help you find the help you need. ~Be well, Sarah