So Damn Happy

Over the years, she tightened her circle. Only the strong and caring survived. She had been broken over and over and had to re-fix herself so many times. She had given so many people so many chances. She would put up that wall when the trust was broken, then, with time, the wall came down. It was more like an old garage door. Inevitably, the trust would be broken and the negativity would shine through. It made her sad for those people. And mad at herself for letting it happen (again). She was tired. She was EXHAUSTED. She realized she was spending a lot of her time and energy on reaching out to people who never reached out for her. She didn’t want to stop, Caring was her nature. For the record, she never stopped caring, she simply stopped utilizing her energy for those who constantly only responded or did not respond at all.

She focused her time and energy on the people and things that meant the most to her. She was always bored. Often very lonely. Very few people made the cut and wanted to intimately share their lives with her. She is so open and probably shares far too much with people, so not sharing, not texting random thoughts to certain people, sharing memes that remind her of them, is hard. But she was wasting energy. Sure, she was maybe making others feel good about themselves and she loved helping people, but it was time to feel good about and help herself. This meant first focusing on the relationships in which all parties make an equal effort. Suddenly, her life became incredibly less complex.

The time she spent messaging people who never messaged her, she spent praying for them, sending good vibes and learning about herself. The energy she spent on those things, she spent on her children. Her relationship with them. Three boys equals three individual human beings that each need a good relationship with their mother. She put down her phone. She turned off the TV. She bookmarked her book. She stopped and she listened. Instead of being alone in the kitchen for one of the three hours she got every night with her boys, she invited them in to cook with her. It was SO MUCH MORE MESSY, but worth it. They laughed. They cried. She yelled sometimes. They learned how to cook. They got to spend time with their mom.

She made herself a promise to say Yes at least once a day.

Instead of cleaning, she said Yes to “Will you play a game with me?” She scheduled a date to have her 7 year old teach her how to play Roblox so they could play together because that was what he wanted to do with his mom. Did she even like video games? NO. She is actually pretty sure video games came directly from the devil himself. But, she downloaded Roblox. She totally sucks at it, but is learning how to play from her child every week. She makes a Roblox date every week with her son and she will play no matter how many times she knows she will die within the first two minutes. Because that will make him feel loved and cared about.

She still wonders a lot about all of those people who she has no contact with anymore besides social media. She still cares. She still prays for them and sends them good vibes. She still wishes them well. But she has re-prioritized.

She is HaPpY & at PeAcE.

So Damn Happy.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah