The best friend I ever had (my husband) is dead. For a long time, it was hard for me to remember he was my best friend. I promise you if you had asked me who my best friend was when he was alive, he would not have been the first name out of my mouth. The last few (or more) years of our relationship were not our best when it came to our relationship. We still had a lot of good times in those years (how could you not with Jess Sr.), but there were probably more difficult times, more tumultuous, how are we ever going to get past this times. At the time of his death we were separated and he had moved out of our family home. Contrary to his Facebook page, we were not divorced. I won’t go into all of the ugly details of our inner turmoil, but we still both loved one another very much. We were both working on ourselves. We were crushing it in the co-parenting department & we were figuring out what our future together looked like. My kids would ask me every single day if we were getting a divorce. My answer was always, “Not right now. We are still figuring things out.” When the boys asked me if I still loved their dad, I always replied, “Very much.”
The thing about grief is that no one grieves the same. I can’t tell you what I have gone through since February 20, 2019. It is even hard for me to comprehend & I am the one who went through it. I can tell you this grieving will never end for me. It will morph and change, but it will never end. Some days I feel so, so heavy. Others, like I can take on the world. And other days, like I HAVE to take on the world. I am still here, so I need to do all the things. I need to make a difference. I need to do everything I want to, when I want to because I still get to be here on this earth & also because I could be gone tomorrow.
I do know my grief has changed. I don’t know if the first 6 months I was in shock, denial or what. I am very logic-driven, so I kept reminding myself Jess was dead. I never didn’t know he had died, but if my life was going “too good” in my mind, if I ever felt like maybe I didn’t think about Jess enough that day or when I saw his picture or spent time with my kids, I would tell myself this fact. I was afraid I wasn’t feeling all the feelings, so I would say, “Jess is fucking dead. He’s gone.” to ‘remind’ myself of the reality of our situation. Turns out, when I was feeling any feeling, it was more of an anger thing. More of I hadn’t moved on from the anger I held from where we were in our relationship when he died to start feeling the feelings from his death. Now the feelings are really coming in strong. I mean, I hate feeling feelings, so when I say strong, they are strong for me. I am still functioning. I am still loving my life & everyone in it. I am still very grateful for where I am & the people who are here with me. But…I miss him.
Jess and I spent 15 years together. We started as stupid, young kids & basically grew up together. Our love went from lust to never-ending & unbreakable. Our relationship went from two young singles getting together to creating a family, a home & a life together with everything intertwined. We both grew together & as separate individuals. We couldn’t have been more polar opposite from the start. We learned everything about each other, heard every story from one another more than 100 times & knew almost everything about each other. I would tell Jess of a problem I had & he would tell me what I was going to do before I even knew. That was always crazy to me. How can someone know you better than you know yourself?!
Even if the marriage was over, even if we would never have been more than best friends, the loss is very real & it is there. He was always on my side even when he knew I was wrong. Even when it could be proven that I was wrong. Even when I was not always on his side. He had my back like no other. Even if our marriage had ended up in divorce, we were helping each other through life just as we had the past 15 years. We were raising 3 gentlemen together, teaching them all of the things. The perfect balance between my type-A-ness & his wild, loving soul.
Something that has really been bothering me recently is that if I want advice from someone or to vent about something in my life, I have to explain the back story. UGH! The only person who knew every situation and all of the people in my life was Jess. I could go to him, tell him what happened & he got it. No explanation needed. It’s very frustrating when you have to explain every back story every time you want to vent & get it over with. It’s a true case of “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” for me because I had no idea this was happening when he was here or how much I would miss it.
It’s hard to describe losing your best friend. It’s hard to imagine without having gone through it.
Make Good Choices.
~Love & Light, Sarah
P.S. Please know I love & appreciate all of the people who remain by my side and are there for me daily. In no way is this post meant to demean any of my current relationships or make anyone feel bad. It is to encourage others and let them know they are not alone if they too have lost their best friend.