Crazy title, I know, but I didn’t really know what else to title it. Things you should know? Reasons I am the way I am? Well, when it comes to this subject and grief, there are so many things I wish so many people knew or would know or could comprehend, but that is like, 1,000 other posts worth and not what this is about exactly, So, Anyways…I digress…
I really only have 2 (what I consider) traumas from my late husband, Jess Sr’s death. I consider myself lucky in this regard. Could be worse. Don’t get me wrong (or do, I really don’t care), my life has drastically changed since February. I mainly decided to take what I had and roll with it. I was reminded how important it is to cease the day and do happy, whatever that may be for you. I am constantly working on being more present and learning how to passively relax.
My Traumas:
1. People I love driving. I never used to worry about those I loved while driving. I would maybe say an extra prayer when someone was on a long road trip, but I never worried about anything majorly bad happening. Now, it’s all the time.
When I say “Be careful” and you are only 10 minutes from your destination, you may think it’s silly, but I am dead serious. Jess Sr. was 10 minutes from where he was to his home and he made it maybe 1-2 minutes down the road. Me telling you to be careful is not automatic. It is a conscious thought I have every time and I want to share it with you because I care. It’s another version of me saying “I love you & care about you So Much & Really want you to do everything in your power to stay here.” It’s also a reminder from me to you that anything can happen whether you are 10 minutes or 10 hours from where you plan to end up.
Be Vigilant.
Be Careful, please.
2. When I expect to hear from someone I love and I don’t and I cannot get a hold of them.
If I am supposed to meet you somewhere and you are not there, I immediately freak out. I calm myself down pretty quickly with logical thought and actions, but I am freaking out until I find out where you are.
When I text you, message you and eventually call you if I have not heard from you when I thought I would, it’s not because I have to know where you are or what you’re doing, it’s because I fear you might be dead. I know it seems ridiculously dramatic to most and people spend time away from their devices (Hello, working on doing that myself here), but I can’t help it. The last time I was trying to get a hold of a loved one who should have been responding/showing up and never did, he was dead. Believe me, I will wait and wait as long as I can, but my “as long as I can” is probably a lot shorter than others in this regard. I will scour social media to see if you have posted, commented or been active to find a speck of you being alive. That’s all I need to see. I will text a friend to see if they have heard from you before I freak all the way out and let you know I thought something may have happened to you. Most often, the person I am thinking is dead and freaking out about doesn’t ever find out I thought that at all. I’ve never told anyone I do this except one time when I freaked out on my parents who had my kids and weren’t where they were supposed to be and weren’t answering their phones/messages. This was actually the first time this happened to me and I realized I have this issue now. I am not trying to be weird or hover or be possessive or annoying.
You do you, just let me know you’re not dead please.
When I say “I love you” as I am hanging up the phone and pulling up to meet you, every time we talk or 1,000 times in 2 hours, it’s not automatic or because I think you want to hear it that much. I say “I love you” so much because I do, life is always too short and even when it is long, you can never say “I love you” too much to those you care for. I want you to know I love you and never have any doubt. I never want to think back and regret not saying it, even once. I never want you to have to think back and wonder if.
If I hug you, you are important to me. And I will probably hug you every time I see you. (Same reasons as above with “I love you”). I will also probably hug you tight and sometimes long. The last time I hugged my husband it was a half-hug. He was sitting, I was hurrying to an appointment, he had a kid on his lap, etc, etc.. I’m never going to make that mistake with anyone I love ever again. Plus, Hugs with people you love are THE BEST.
I know the world doesn’t revolve around me. I know these things are not considered “normal” & do not conform to how most of the world thinks. This is how My world works (at least for) now, whether I like it or not. You are part of my world, so I thought you should know.
Be careful.
I love you.
Good night.
MAKE GOOD CHOICES.
~Love & Light, Sarah
Adventures of Life, Death, Love & Light 