Crazy title, I know, but I didn’t really know what else to title it. Things you should know? Reasons I am the way I am? Well, when it comes to this subject and grief, there are so many things I wish so many people knew or would know or could comprehend, but that is like, 1,000 other posts worth and not what this is about exactly, So, Anyways…I digress…
I really only have 2 (what I consider) traumas from my late husband, Jess Sr’s death. I consider myself lucky in this regard. Could be worse. Don’t get me wrong (or do, I really don’t care), my life has drastically changed since February. I mainly decided to take what I had and roll with it. I was reminded how important it is to cease the day and do happy, whatever that may be for you. I am constantly working on being more present and learning how to passively relax.
1. People I love driving. I never used to worry about those I loved while driving. I would maybe say an extra prayer when someone was on a long road trip, but I never worried about anything majorly bad happening. Now, it’s all the time.
When I say “Be careful” and you are only 10 minutes from your destination, you may think it’s silly, but I am dead serious. Jess Sr. was 10 minutes from where he was to his home and he made it maybe 1-2 minutes down the road. Me telling you to be careful is not automatic. It is a conscious thought I have every time and I want to share it with you because I care. It’s another version of me saying “I love you & care about you So Much & Really want you to do everything in your power to stay here.” It’s also a reminder from me to you that anything can happen whether you are 10 minutes or 10 hours from where you plan to end up.
Be Careful, please.
2. When I expect to hear from someone I love and I don’t and I cannot get a hold of them.
If I am supposed to meet you somewhere and you are not there, I immediately freak out. I calm myself down pretty quickly with logical thought and actions, but I am freaking out until I find out where you are.
When I text you, message you and eventually call you if I have not heard from you when I thought I would, it’s not because I have to know where you are or what you’re doing, it’s because I fear you might be dead. I know it seems ridiculously dramatic to most and people spend time away from their devices (Hello, working on doing that myself here), but I can’t help it. The last time I was trying to get a hold of a loved one who should have been responding/showing up and never did, he was dead. Believe me, I will wait and wait as long as I can, but my “as long as I can” is probably a lot shorter than others in this regard. I will scour social media to see if you have posted, commented or been active to find a speck of you being alive. That’s all I need to see. I will text a friend to see if they have heard from you before I freak all the way out and let you know I thought something may have happened to you. Most often, the person I am thinking is dead and freaking out about doesn’t ever find out I thought that at all. I’ve never told anyone I do this except one time when I freaked out on my parents who had my kids and weren’t where they were supposed to be and weren’t answering their phones/messages. This was actually the first time this happened to me and I realized I have this issue now. I am not trying to be weird or hover or be possessive or annoying.
You do you, just let me know you’re not dead please.
When I say “I love you” as I am hanging up the phone and pulling up to meet you, every time we talk or 1,000 times in 2 hours, it’s not automatic or because I think you want to hear it that much. I say “I love you” so much because I do, life is always too short and even when it is long, you can never say “I love you” too much to those you care for. I want you to know I love you and never have any doubt. I never want to think back and regret not saying it, even once. I never want you to have to think back and wonder if.
If I hug you, you are important to me. And I will probably hug you every time I see you. (Same reasons as above with “I love you”). I will also probably hug you tight and sometimes long. The last time I hugged my husband it was a half-hug. He was sitting, I was hurrying to an appointment, he had a kid on his lap, etc, etc.. I’m never going to make that mistake with anyone I love ever again. Plus, Hugs with people you love are THE BEST.
I know the world doesn’t revolve around me. I know these things are not considered “normal” & do not conform to how most of the world thinks. This is how My world works (at least for) now, whether I like it or not. You are part of my world, so I thought you should know.
I love you.
MAKE GOOD CHOICES.
~Love & Light, Sarah