You’re Gonna Die.

I was talking to a friend last night and she said something that resonated with me. Not a good kind of resonating, but a stinging one. It has stayed with me all day today and as I think about it, I think we should talk about it. My friend said:

“I hate giving advice because I never take my own advice.”

I feel like a lot of people do this. We can look into a situation we are not in and assess it logically enough to determine what the right thing to do is for a person. Sometimes you can’t, but normally you can. It’s completely different when you’re in that situation. In certain situations, you can’t even step back far enough to realize what is wrong or right and in others you can determine something isn’t right, maybe even what that thing is, but you can’t get yourself to do or say the thing you should.

Why is this a thing?

Why can we not do what is clearly in our own best interest?

Often we are hesitant to say anything about the issue because we are afraid of change. If we say something, then it is out there. You can’t un-say things. If you say something or do something different, you are risking the reactions of others. Chances are they may not react the way you would want them to and that will cause strife in your life. For some, Control is the issue. If we keep it to ourselves, we feel we can control it better than if we put it out there for others. You can only control what you say or do, not others. Change also takes effort and hard work. When someone has a crappy job situation, they’re usually more comfortable with staying in the job and complaining about it than looking for a new one or making the effort to get another.

There have been plenty of times in my life when I was in a situation that needed to change, but the fear of the unknown change that was bound to occur was too much for me to do anything. Sure, I wasn’t happy in my current situation, but I wasn’t always unhappy either. Things were okay. At least I knew on a day-to-day basis what to generally expect and I had the ways I used to deal with things. I also feared losing loved ones. If I made public my thoughts or feelings, they may not agree and they could decide I’m not worth the effort anymore. As I look back on these situations, I realize I was super unhappy and stayed Much Longer in them than I ever should. Most of them, I didn’t know were bad or as bad as I thought at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

I think the worst reason I didn’t always face my issues head on was because it’s hard. I takes a lot of effort. Plain and simple, I chose to be lazy. Talking about issues and thinking them through is tiring. I am positive my mind, the way it works and the anxiety I can create out of almost nothing, also had a large part in my not wanting to deal with things. What changed when I chose to do nothing? Drum roll please….NOTHING! So, at the end of the day, I was left with only the choice to complain about my issue and live in the situation I chose to not do anything about. All the anxiety and mental exhaustion aside…

I have NEVER decided to do the Right Thing or deal with something and Regretted it.

Here’s the thing…And this is SO IMPORTANT — You’re Gonna Die. Yup, you are. We all are. When? I don’t know and neither do you. So, let me ask you this:

Will it be worth it when you die?

Will you be happy with the choices you Did or Did Not make when you die?

Seriously, y’all. I don’t say this lightly. I feel Very passionately about this. None of us know when our time on this earth is going to end. What if you considered that with every choice you have to make? Would that change the way you think about things or deal with things? I know it is So Incredibly Hard to comprehend the gravity of what I am saying. Most people I know who are passionate about this have, unfortunately, had a tragedy lead them to this mindset. I know a lot more successful people than me are already preaching this message to the masses, but you know what? IT BEARS REPEATING!!! So many people say things like “Life is short” but don’t truly feel it. Let me tell you, whether you live to 30, 50 or 109 years old, Life Is Short and it is too short to be anything other than Happy.

First things first, GET YOURSELF OUT OF THAT TOXIC SITUATION!!!

Whatever situation or relationship you find yourself in today that gives you the ickies. Whatever that may be, Decide to do something different to change it TODAY. Whether it is your job, your intimate relationship, your parents, your siblings, your lifelong friends, your housing situation, You CAN Change it. You might not be able to change it completely today, but you can change it and make it better. Decide today that you will. After you are completely decided to make a change, start to think of how and why. If you are so deep in it you cannot see a way out, ASK FOR HELP. Ask anyone. This is good to do even if you think you know what to do because someone else might have a completely stellar idea you may never have thought of yourself. Also, now you have someone to hold you accountable to the actions you are committing to taking. write down what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. Then, and this is the most important step of this process….TAKE ACTION! You may not be able to do everything right away, but I promise you if you constantly tell yourself you will get the thing or remove yourself from toxicity and you take a step Every Single Day towards your goal, you will achieve it.

NEXT — Find what you LoVe and Do That!

I can’t express how deeply I feel this thought as well. This is also a very long process for some, finding what you love to do, but once you do it, it is So Worth It. Getting up every day and actually doing the things that make your Soul Smile is worth every little bit of work you have to put into finding what that thing is. On my worst days, the days where I am blah or grieving hard or life is just really chaotic and overwhelming, I don’t always want to write, but I do anyways. I don’t always want to read the book I am currently reading, but I do that too. Why? Because I know these are huge parts of what makes me tick.

I was watching a live Instagram from Amy Brown (Bobby Bones Show) and her and her sister were saying they read somewhere if you don’t know what you want to do in life or what your passion is, think back to when you were 9-11-ish years old. What did you enjoy then? You may think this is silly, but this really works. I had to go way back in my memories to figure out what I loved and what works for me. You must think back to before “life” got in your way. Before you had any real responsibilities to worry about. What have you always liked? When I did this, I also remembered other things that used to make me happy and started incorporating them back into my life. Unicorns, Rainbows, Bacon. I am now surrounded by things that make me smile 🙂

We are each put on this earth with unique talents that No One Else possesses! Sure, there may be other singers, writers, wrestlers, managers, personal trainers, and horse riders out there, but not a one of them will deliver your talents like you will. Wouldn’t it be such a shame to get to the end and not have shared that with the world?!

“Imagine being on your death bed, and standing around you is the ghost of the dreams, the ideas, the abilities, the talents given to you by life..That you for whatever reason, you never went after that dream. You never acted on those ideas. You never used them talents. You never used those gifts; and there they are standing beside your bed, looking at YOU with large, angry eyes saying we came to you and only you could have given us life!.. And now..we must die with you forever. “

~Les Brown

Lastly, Live your Best Damn Life!

I firmly believe we all deserve to be Happy. I firmly believe we all possess Goodness. I firmly believe we all Can live the Best life; The life we are intended to live on this earth. It takes time and effort. It takes sacrifice. It takes real, raw honesty and emotion. It is the best thing you can do for yourself.

You’re going to die one day.

Take your own advice.

Take the Time.

Take Action!

Live your BeSt Life!

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

People Don’t Get It

I’ve been speaking with another widow lately and one thing we both agree on is people don’t get it. People do not and cannot understand what the grieving process is like for anyone. I am thankful so many people don’t get it because that means they have not experienced a great loss in their life, but at the same time, I wish people would understand it a little bit better than they all seem to.

Poem by Lili Reinhart
Poem by Lili Reinhart written right after Luke Parry’s death
Poem by Lili Reinhart

I am 100% guilty of not getting it. Not understanding. How could I have before my loss? You can’t. It isn’t possible. You try to imagine and you sympathize and empathize, but you don’t get it.

It’s a shame, really. That we don’t feel comfortable openly talking about our losses and our grief. Every single person will experience at least one great loss in their life that will change and effect them forever. Many more people will experience several losses that have a lifelong effect. Why are we so afraid to talk about our grief? How we are dealing with things? How we aren’t dealing with things? Why do I feel like I have to contact one of my fellow widows, who are also going through their grieving process, in order to be truthful and open about how I feel?

Living in grief and living with grief are two different things to me. My oldest son, Jack, and I have discussed this at length. We are very sad at the loss of Jess Sr., but we aren’t living in grief. We live with it. Living in grief would be letting it consume your entire being. Sadness and loss would be all you think about and focus on. Losing your person would be all consuming and take priority over your entire life. Living with grief is slowly moving forward while still being sad and processing the loss of your person. We still have moments, minutes, hours and days where we do focus on our grief. We have to let ourselves be sad and process all of the thoughts and feelings. To live in grief, in my opinion, would be to waste what life you have been given left to live. You are still here for a reason and you owe it to the person you lost to live up to that reason and make it worthwhile.

The best way I can describe living with grief is it is like living a double life. You go about your days and do all the things while simultaneously thinking about and dealing with being sad, mad or whatever else about your loss. At first, you are literally just going through the motions of your daily life. You can’t even think correctly or process much of anything. As time passes, you will want to actually start living your life and feeling the good emotions, so you actively do things to feel better and live the way you want. At this point, you are still processing your grief (I’m not sure if one ever really gets done processing it). You post happy things on social media and tell people “I’m good!” when asked how you are doing, but you still have this entire thing in you that you are dealing with. You are still sad. You are still mad. You still don’t understand why things happened the way they did. It is hard to explain to someone how happy you are currently with your life and also express how deeply you are still hurting at the same time. How can one be So Happy and So Sad at the same time?!

The purpose of my blog is to help people. I hope by sharing what I am going through, it may help others feel like they are not going crazy. I hope it will get others speaking more openly about grief and give people some type of an idea what it can be like. I can only speak to my grief of losing a husband and father of my children and there are hundreds of other scenarios I cannot imagine myself. All grieving processes are different for every single person, but we all have things in common. We may not follow a tried-and-true handbook or timeline, but we all go through it at some point in our lives. Wouldn’t it be better if we could all help one another along the way?

This isn’t really about me. It’s about all of you reading this right now. I urge you to share your grief. Share your feelings. Talk to someone about what and how you are feeling. Talk to me! I am always here to listen.

Let’s start a conversation and never end it. We don’t have to talk about sadness and grief all the time, but it’s time to start talking about it more.

Most of the time, the thoughts in my head are so random and fleeting that I will go from talking about a television show to saying something about my late husband, Jess, to what we are having for dinner that night. A lot of people are uncomfortable even mentioning the dead person’s name. WHAT? We aren’t supposed to nor will we ever forget they existed and I GUARANTEE the grieving person would LoVe to hear you speak their name and talk about them. The conversations don’t have to be deep. They don’t have to be long. Just let me say “Jess used to do (this) all the time” or “Jess and I did (x,y,z) years ago and it was so fun!” or “I miss Jess” or “Solo parenting sucks, I wish Jess were still here” without having to worry about you cringing or getting uncomfortable.

It is completely acceptable to not understand or get it. In fact, I hope you don’t get it. But…

Let’s start the conversation here.

Say Their Name.

You Are Not Alone.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

A Letter to My First Born Child

Dear Jack,

I sit here on the eve of your thirteenth birthday reminiscing about where we have been. Thinking about where we are now and Imagining where we are going.

First of all, I want to say I’m sorry. Your dad and I were young and not fully prepared to bring you into this world. You were the Best thing to happen to us and I am So Very Grateful we had you when we did. I’m sorry for not being wiser. I’m sorry for still being really young and very selfish for a lot of your life so far. I’m sorry you have to be the guinea pig for all of my parenting decisions. I’m sorry I’m not a parenting expert with all of the right answers the first time around. I’m sorry if I am ever over protective or if you feel I am too aloof. I’m sorry you are forced into the position of role model by default because you are the oldest. I’m sorry you are blamed for a lot of things I am sure you did not exactly do. I am sorry the most that life has put you in the position to be the ‘man of the house’ at such a young age. To be the one to look after your younger brothers. That’s not fair. You’re still a child, even if you are growing into a young adult. The position you have been forced into is not an easy one and it is definitely not fair.

Secondly, You’re Welcome. You get to do a lot of stuff that I didn’t get to do at your age. You have seen Way more racy things than I was ever allowed to. You get to do things that are super cool that I never would have allowed you to do because you are always here for your brothers and I think it’s only fair to let you have some fun. I break A Lot of my rules for you, so you’re welcome. You weren’t getting a phone until high school, you were only going to be in front of a device (video games, computer AND television) for 30 minutes a day and you weren’t allowed to date until you were married. So, you’re welcome.

Lastly, Thank You. Thank you for being the person you are. Thank you for looking out for your brothers. Thank you for realizing how hard I work and all I do for our family and thanking me for it. Thank you for pointing that out to your brothers. Thank you for being the kind of kid who immediately says “I’m gonna start cleaning up now” as soon as your last guest leaves the party instead of going to bed. Thank you for recognizing my happiness is important and even though you may not agree with some of the things that make me happy, you fully support them because they do. Thank you for letting me yell and scream and freak out sometimes for what seems like a silly reason and understanding I really just needed to freak out. Thank you for doing all of the things I ask you to do even when you really don’t want to do them. Thank you for coming out of your room just to say “I love you, Mom.” Thank you for being excited to spend a day with me. Thank you for talking to me every once in a while and sharing your life with me. Thank you for sharing memes with me and laughing at all of my corny jokes. Thank you for remembering what is important in life, for caring, for Loving and for being all around AmAzInG.

I can’t believe you will be officially a teenager tomorrow. Every year, your dad and I would excitedly exclaim on your birthday, “We kept him alive another year!” Because, well, parenting is HaRd. I can’t wait to celebrate with some Mom and Jack time. I can’t wait to see the wonderful human you will become. Except I can. Please don’t grow up too fast! I need all the years I have left!

At this point, it’s all you, dude. I have and am still doing everything I can to help you along the way, but you are old enough that you decide who you are. I think you’re doing a pretty stellar job so far.

Happy birthday, Jack. I love you!

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love, Mom

The Worst Part of My Morning

I wouldn’t say I’m a morning person. I get up and do the things that I need to do because they must be done. Most weekday mornings, my day starts between 6:00-6:30 am. I get Jack off to the bus, then the littles. I am fortunate enough to be able to come home by myself and get ready for work, which is very nice.

Something most people I talk to already know is that me and the boys very much enjoy the Bobby Bones show. We listen to it on 93.3 every morning. We enjoy all aspects of it, especially the Bonehead story of the day and the Tell Me Something Good segment. Every morning around when I pull into my driveway after dropping off the littles, the local part of the radio hour happens. I hear local news, weather and traffic. This is the worst part of my morning.

Every time I hear that woman’s voice I cringe. She says something about the weather and how clear the roads are and then she shares “areas to avoid due to crashes.” I can’t. I just can’t. I appreciate the information on which roads to steer clear of to avoid a delay, but this really gets to me.

Every morning, when I hear that voice, I flash back to driving to work on The day my life changed forever. I know I heard that voice. I know I heard the update on weather, road conditions and accidents. I don’t specifically remember this, but I always heard it on my commute, so I know I heard it that day. What I didn’t know was who was in one of those accidents and how it would effect my life.

I know accidents and delays are super inconvenient.

I know running late, especially in the morning, can mess up your day.

I want you to do me a favor. The next time you hear the accidents reported in the news or are delayed by an accident going somewhere, please take a moment. Take a moment not to be mad or frustrated that you will be late now, but to Pause. The person or people in that accident also are now running late. They didn’t plan for that to happen today or to inconvenience you. They would Love not to be in that situation right now.

Pause to Pray. If you don’t “pray” then send good vibes. Put into the universe how you hope all involved are safe and well. Pray for their families, everyone has one. Pray for the professionals on scene, that they can do their jobs well and help however needed.

Pause to be Grateful. Little things happen to make you 1 minute later than normal, maybe 5 minutes. Or maybe you left early to treat yourself to a coffee. You are safe. It’s not you. It’s not your loved one. You are ONLY running late and if that is your biggest problem right this second, you are blessed.

Pause to Think and Be Kind. We all wake up with a plan on how the day is going to go in our heads. We never think an accident or tragedy will interrupt our day. We have no idea what struggles others may be going through. Maybe if you’re a little more patient in line, maybe if you smile at a stranger, maybe if you compliment someone, Maybe you’ll brighten their day. Maybe your day will seem brighter too.

I realize I cannot avoid the daily traffic update every morning or avoid all signs of accidents happening. I deal. I get through the days being thankful for what I have. And I continue to listen to my favorite morning show despite the impending news updates.

I figure if the worst part of my morning is hearing something in the radio, I’m doing alright.

Pause to Pray.

Pause to be Grateful.

Pause to be Kind.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Why Do I Write???

I often wonder if anyone else wonders why I write so much. In case you do or in case you’re just bored, I’ll tell you why!

Simply put, I write because I absolutely LOVE it. It makes me feel good. It helps me deal with things and process them.

Writing is my Passion.

I’ve always been a writer. I have taken breaks, but mostly always write something. Poetry, blogs, journals, anything really. I have a Love for the written word. I love words. I love books. I love writing everything on my mind all the time. I prefer physically writing things down, but am not so used to it anymore so my hand cramps. I write a lot on my phone and computer now, it’s faster anyways, so that’s nice.

I am an overanalyzer and I feel I come to the best conclusions for myself, my life, and my children when I think things through several times over. Often when one decides something too soon after getting information, the decision is a reaction rather than a decision and I like to be sure I am 100% before I decide to do or not do something. In order to help myself in my thinking process, I write things down. I will grab a piece of paper, notebook, computer, phone, or scrap paper and start what I call free writing my thoughts. I don’t think about it, I just write. Then, I read my thoughts and organize them further, also writing them down again and thinking through them as I do so. Sometimes, I feel like I want to share my thoughts in a blog. As I translate the thoughts again, the words morph and sometimes the thoughts change again. Sometimes, I keep them in a journal. Sometimes, I throw them away. Sometimes, I send them to a person I want to share my thoughts with. When I know I have written about something before, I go back and I read my thoughts again if the subject ever comes up. Again, it helps me process things even if my feelings on the matter have changed since I wrote about it last. No matter what I do with my words, I always feel better after writing them down. It’s simply the way my mind works. Plus, I feel I can be super awkward in person and talking. I say a lot of what immediately comes to my mind and I would rather have time to decide if what I am projecting into the universe is really what I want to be projecting.

{That process sounds time consuming and exhausting, but for me it is not. I have almost always done things this way and I really do have time for other things, I swear, Lol.}

How did I find my passion?

Throughout 2019 as my world changed entirely due to the death of my husband, I made several huge changes On Purpose. I got Sober. I Moved. I Removed a lot of toxic, negative people from my life. I found myself trying to find out who I really am instead of all of my labels and I took a lot of time to do so.

First, I eliminated all the negative out of my life. Second, I added a lot of Intentional Positivity. Affirmations, meditations, books, people, thoughts, music, podcasts. I had such a strong desire to find my passion, my purpose in life, but I had always felt that desire and never thought I had found my true passion or gift. I really dug deep for a long, long time. I spent a lot of time by myself figuring me out. Who I really am.

What makes me happy? ~Helping people~

What do I love to do? ~Write~

In the past, I always tried to think of what I most liked to do and how to make a living from it. “That’s when I will be the happiest,” I thought. That is what society kind of teaches us. Or at least that was my interpretation of what I thought society was telling me other than get a job, do the things, live your life and then you die.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” Right?

This time, I decided I don’t care about the money. I want to help people. I want to write. I started writing more. I started my blog back up. Hopefully I am helping people through my writing. If not, I do my best to help people in other ways as much as possible. I write because I love it and it makes me feel good. I write my blogs and share them. I often write lengthy social media posts and share those too. I free write thoughts on certain situations that I don’t share with anyone. I journal and spill all of my thoughts into a book no one is ever intended to read. Recently, I’ve even thought about trying out poetry again. I don’t write for money (I make no money off of this). I write for me and for you.

I once heard there are 2 Most Important Days in a person’s life…

1. The day you are born.

2. The day you find your gift.

I found my passion in writing.

I hope you find yours too.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Friends, I Need Someone’s Help

Friends, I need your help. I have been very reluctant to post anything or much about this at all. It is very hard for me to talk about, think about and deal with. I thought I had come to some closure on this subject, but something is bothering me and I need someone’s help.

If you know who was with Jess Sr. on his last night, please message me and let me know. If you know who ended up with his wallet and cell phone, PLEASE message me and let me know. Please DO NOT post it on social media for everyone to see. It’s really no one else’s business. I know some things, but more random “facts” keep coming up leaving all kinds of holes everywhere. The story has gotten so long, with so many holes, I’d rather not know anything, but you can’t Un-Know something, so here I sit.

I have heard rumors, hearsay on who may have been with Jess. I am pretty sure I know a couple of the people who were there. If those people would please tell me the truth, I would greatly appreciate it.

The police did not have Jess’s phone. The coroner did not have Jess’s phone. The place he was last said they did not have his phone. The funeral home was never given his phone. Yet it still has not turned up.

My mother and I went to the junkyard. We went through his car. I didn’t want to go see it, but I was looking for his phone and wallet. My mom went to go get some information out of the car before I was allowed to go through it. She had to have a guy come pry the top of the car from the bottom in order to get into it. We emptied that car. No phone or wallet. We cut ourselves on shattered glass sifting through things. We acted as superwomen moving things that were jammed against other parts of the car to find every last thing. It was heartbreaking. And as bad as you can imagine…It was worse.

I was never mad at the people who were with him. I hope y’all had a great time and he enjoyed his last night. I am still not mad that you were there that night. I am hurt that I have been lied to about it. I am hurt that you haven’t come to me to talk. I cannot imagine what you might be going through just as you cannot imagine what I have gone through and go through every day. We could talk. I would love to hear stories from that night and we could help one another heal Together.

Knowing someone out there knows more and not knowing how to get that information is one of the worst things. I could probably be alright without ever finding out, but I have 3 young boys who ask questions. I would like to be able to tell them everything I could ever find out and they deserve to know.

I think his phone would be helpful to have. And his wallet would be nice to have for my boys.

I know there are people out there with answers that I do not have.

I’d like those answers.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

If Only I had Known What I was Playing For

I was playing Candy Crush today, something I do far too often, but very well. Each level has a different objective you must meet in order to beat it. My particular version of this game always covers up the level’s objective at the beginning with some banner, so I just started playing and doing what I thought would win the level from what I saw in front of me. When I lost, I actually looked up in the corner to see what I was supposed to do in order to win and thought to myself, “If only I had known what I was playing for, I could have beat it.”

My mind, being my mind, started thinking about how this is also a good question for life. How many people know their answer? I’m sure after many situations you’ve gone through in life some version of this thought has gone through your mind. I know this has been the case in my life.

Do you know your answer?

I have actually been on my own “what am I playing for” thought process the past few weeks. Several things have happened and made me really sit back and think about what is important to me in my life and where I am going to draw the line when it comes to those things.

I’m sure it comes as little to no surprise that my children are at the top of my list. My happiness and health are as well as helping others, other loved ones and even money made my list, but ultimately, my boys come first. They are the reason I keep playing. Raising 3 Kind, Loving, Generous Humans is my objective. I will go to great lengths to make this happen and greater lengths to protect them and make sure they get everything I can provide for them to be Happy and Healthy.

Most successful people talk about this concept. Many call it your “WHY”

Why are you doing the things you are doing in life?

Why are you getting up every day?

Why are you working so hard in your life?

Why do you want X,Y and Z?

The theory, which I believe to be accurate, is that you will only do what you have to do to get what you want if you focus on your reason for doing the things. For many, the reasons are legacy, provide for family, get rich, etc..The list is really endless. The point is, KNOW YOUR REASON WHY and FOCUS ON IT. If you fail to focus on your Why, you often fail to complete the tasks you need to finish to achieve your goal. The Doing seems too overwhelming, too impossible, too much, and you simply give up. Remembering your reason for doing all of the things will get you through the trenches when nothing else will as long as your Why is Strong.

I find this helpful often because we all have to do a lot of things as adults that are just not fun. No one wants to change their oil, have and pay for insurance, wash the dishes, drive to all of the school events and do all of the mundane work things that aren’t thrilling parts of our chosen profession. We do them because we have to, but we don’t really have to if you think about it. We have to because we have things in our lives that are important to us, family, money, whatever, that will benefit from us doing all of these things we are not so excited to do.

Imagine getting to the end of your life, looking back and thinking, “If only I had known what I was playing for.” Then it will be too late. Take the time now to sit with yourself and figure it out. Write it down, post it in your home where you will see it and repeat it to yourself over and over when you have to do all the life things.

What are you playing for?

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

I thought 1/16/2019 Would Be My Worst Day of 2019

Little did I know what 2019 had in store for me… (Insert Eye Roll Here)

I have been holding out on all of you. In an effort to be as transparent as I choose to be, I have decided to share something not many people know about me. Last year, on January 16, 2019, I was arrested for drunk driving. I was involved in an accident after having been out with friends and taken to jail. I thought it was definitely going down as my worst day in 2019 and I had hit rock bottom.

I was an idiot. I made a series of horrible decisions that day that led to me being taken to jail. I am in no way proud of this which is why many people had no idea until now this happened to me. While I do not like to advertise my stupidity, it is part of my story. A large part of my recent story, actually, and so I am sharing it publicly. To say I have wondered and worried about writing about this is a gross understatement.

I could tell you why I did the things I did, I guess, but it wouldn’t make up for the fact that I was a total moron and not making the best decisions I should have been making for my life. I was going through a divorce and grieving my broken relationship. I am an alcoholic. Drinking excessively was the only way I had ever dealt with anything that had happened to me for 15 years. These are all of the reasons I look back and think of although it was so much more and not at the same time. I was stuck in a place where I thought that was it. That was my life. I was a good mom, a good worker and this is what my life is. I drank to “deal” but not really deal with all of the stressors in my life. Whatever the reason is anyone drinks excessively is good enough for them, I’m sure. For me now, those are simply excuses and horrible ones at that, but I get it.

Becoming sober in 2019 was really, really, really hard. Getting sober is hard for anyone at any time. I believe it saved my life. I may not have died had I not gotten sober, but my life would be a horrific mess. I was forced to become sober. I never would have done it had I not been court ordered to do so, but I am SO VERY THANKFUL I had to and would not have it any other way (except to have done it without getting in trouble first). I didn’t know it at the time of the arrest, but a month after, I would need to step up and be sober. For the remainder of 2019 (and forever) I would need to be sober, present and fully clear for my children. There would be no one else.

A few things I have learned after being clear headed for the longest amount of time since I was 12…

I was Full of Shame: I was embarrassed about how I lived my life. I drank all the time and hid it from a lot of people, but when I was living that life, I never once realized I was ashamed. After I got sober, I got a lot more bold because I had nothing to hide. I realized a lot of my feelings of shame and self doubt I had felt in the past were not because I was insecure about who I am or what I stand for, but because I was afraid if I stood up and said something too bold or too loud, people might see my hidden life. I have embraced who I am to the fullest now and am never afraid to speak my mind.

I wasted So Much Time: I drank every single day. Sometimes before I left work until I went to sleep. Most days I drank from the time I got home until I went to bed. I did somehow manage to keep a decently clean house and get things done, but I drank the entire time I was doing all of those things. I also used to opt to drink and hang out on my phone or in front of the television instead of working on something I aspired to do. Eventually, the night would get away from me and I would go to bed without accomplishing anything. When I did spend time with friends, we were always drinking and never going to do fun adventures or activities because we were drinking. I did have my version of fun at that time, but there is so much more to life than drinking in my kitchen or at the same bar every week. I wouldn’t say that all of the people I hung out with and drank with were only drinking buddies. I have kept a small fraction of people in my life this past year and I am happy to say a couple of my old “drinking buddies” made the cut. They are incredibly great people with awesome hearts and souls that I am fortunate enough to know and who also respect me not drinking and hang out with me anyways.

My kids knew I was a drunk: This one breaks my heart. My littles did not know exactly that I was drunk, but they did know that I drank alcohol and they couldn’t. They knew when certain friends were over or shot glasses were on the kitchen counter that they would probably get away with a little more and maybe get to stay up late. Jack, on the other hand, was old enough to know exactly what was going on. He remembers many conversations with me that I do not remember. He remembers all of the things I said and stupidly did. This is the worst for me. I know I caused it and it is totally my fault, but it is like getting stabbed every time this subject comes up. Thankfully, Jack has stated several times he has chosen never to drink alcohol because he knows how stupid it can make you and he “knows the effects it will have on my children.” It is just unfortunate he has to know this because of me and my poor decisions.

Getting Sober is A Lot Easier with Help: When you get a new hobby, you find others with that interest and start hanging out with them more. Getting sober is like a hobby, consuming most of your time in the beginning especially. I do not believe I could have done so well getting sober without a weekly class I went to for 5 months at Park Center. It was called a “class” but was more of a group therapy session every week. My therapist was amazing and the people were all great too. A bunch of misfits trying to do better with our lives. It was helpful anytime I was going through something and needed guidance. We also got to help each other work through whatever we were going through which was great. Most people go to AA meetings when they are getting sober. I went to some too. I liked those meetings and wouldn’t mind going to more. They don’t make you talk either, so if you just want to go and be there, you can do that. I normally did that. You can find a schedule of AA meetings in Fort Wayne here.

Getting Sober is like Being ReBorn: I had been self medicating since I was 12 years old. Twelve Years Old. I had never learned how to deal with life without substances and surrounded myself with others who did the same. I thought this was a thing everyone did. This was how to get through life. I learned this is completely untrue! A LOT of people self medicate with substances, but you can get through life without them and I believe life is So Much Better without them. You get to know who YOU are when you are sober. You get to feel all of the feelings you shut out with substances. It’s not always fun, but once you get through it, whatever situation you get through sober, it is AmAzInG. You realize you did it. It was hard, but totally doable and if you can do that thing sober, then you can probably do a lot more things sober. Not only do you get through life things, but most of the time, you actually enjoy the things still! I was the worst at doing everything a little tipsy at least. Parent-Teacher conferences, school plays, trick-or-treating, any holiday, any get together, anything really. I’m not proud of that, but I am so proud that I have done all of those things sober in the past year and I enjoyed them more.

If you drink at all, even if you do not believe you have a problem with drinking, I challenge you to quit drinking alcohol for 60 days. See what it’s like. Do an adult science experiment on yourself. You may find you enjoy the sober life as much as I do and if you don’t, you can always go back to drinking again.

DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!!!

I cannot promise you I will always be available to pick you up, but someone you know is. Uber is a great tool to use. Trust me, an Uber ride, no matter how expensive it is, is WAY LESS EXPENSIVE than a lawyer and court costs. Going to retrieve your car from a parking lot in the morning is WAY MORE CONVENIENT than going to retrieve your car from a tow yard or losing your license for a period of time.

FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK!!!

If you think your friend is too drunk to drive, then Don’t Let Them Drive! I have heard all of the excuses and things people say about this subject and I am here to tell you…they aren’t good enough! People DIE drunk driving. People KILL OTHERS drunk driving. TACKLE YOUR FRIEND IF YOU HAVE TO. I wish someone had tackled me. Other ways people have gotten me not to drive drunk are: telling me we are riding together to another bar and then taking me home, telling me to not drive home right now and come back inside for one more drink and telling me to walk or taking me on a walk somewhere. Seriously, help your friends. Let’s all help each other please.

I do not have a perfect life by any means, but I am happy. I am fulfilled. My boys have a sober mom who is always there for them and loves them more than anything. I have rediscovered myself, met myself for the very first time as an adult. Turns out, I’m fun to be around, funny, smart and an all around awesome person. I feel comfortable saying that I have found things that make me happy and help me deal with life. Things that are healthy and may even help others too. If you think I am full of myself by admitting how awesome I am, you’re right. It took me an awfully long time to get here and I am taking full advantage of this now. Most importantly, my cup runneth over with fullness of life.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Mom, Are You Crying?

I am historically not a crier. I used to be really proud of that actually. I would never cry at shows or movies. The only time I would cry was when I would get super frustrated or angry. I was an angry crier, not a sad crier. I boasted about my ability to not cry. I hated feeling feelings and was fine with it.

I wouldn’t say I cry easily now, but I definitely cry more. Most recently, we were watching the live action Disney movie, Aladdin. I got all the way to the end, through all the falling in love and mushy stuff. My middle son asked me if I was crying when the genie was freed. “No, I’m not crying. I am smiling because he did the right thing. He could have made a selfish decision, but instead he helped a friend and that makes me smile.”

Cut to a minute later when the sultan is speaking to his daughter, “I thought I would lose you like I lost your mother.” Shit. That got me. This time when Jess Jr. asked me if I was crying I said yes. Thank goodness he didn’t ask why I was crying because the flood gates would have fully opened at that point. I continued by saying, “It’s okay to cry.” The conversation didn’t go any further, so I didn’t press on.

Jess Jr. got up from where he was sitting, came over to me and sat on my lap. He let me hold and hug him. Jess Jr. had no idea how to be there for me, but he tried anyways. I want my boys to be able to be there for people the way they know best when people need them. I want my boys to know they can cry and I will be there for them. Even if someone doesn’t know the “right” thing to do when someone is hurting, it shows a lot when they try.

You don’t have to be “right” – You just have to Be There.

I want my boys to see me cry. I want them to know it is acceptable to cry. To feel feelings. I have no idea why I ever believed crying made me weak, but I now believe it makes a person stronger. The more you can process your feelings in a healthy way and move forward, the better person you will be for doing so.

The most annoying thing about crying now is I do it at the silliest times. Weird things set me off unexpectedly. Like a line from a Disney movie, for instance. I cried for half of Avengers: Endgame & successfully made it through the new Star Wars movie only tearing up a couple times. Late nights alone, school plays, parent-teacher conferences, fighting kids, and my boys’ birthdays make me cry.

Whatever the reason, wherever it happens; I now welcome a good cry. Sometimes I feel like I need a good cry and wish I could cry on demand. Feeling feelings is still not my favorite things, the icky ones, you know? But if you never open yourself up to feel fully angry or sad, you will miss out on fully feeling the Good feelings.

Joy. Gratitude. Serenity. Hope. Pride. Relief. Love.

And what is the point of going through life without feeling those Wonderful, Amazing things?

Life is surely not a constant positivity party, but I’ll take some bad to have the good.

Let others see you cry. Let them be there for you and in the future, you can be there for them.

Cry it out. It’s completely acceptable no matter who you think you are.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Things change

You put things away. Scenarios that happen in your life, situations you have to deal with. You put them in a box, wrap it up, tape it with the strongest duct tape you can find, wrap it in bubble wrap, tape that, super glue it for good measure & label it DONE. Do Not Open. No Need. Complete: Closure Achieved. This, I am at peace with.

Then something happens. Things change. You find something out that could or could not change everything in that box. What do you do? The box is clearly closed. Marked Complete: Closure Achieved! Yet, this information is just sitting there. Something you now know that you didn’t know before that would have possibly changed the closure/completion of this situation in your head and in your life. UGH. I guess we have 2 choices at this point.

  1. Remind ourselves that we have already come to peace with this situation. We taped, glued & closed the box shut. Put this information into the “no longer need to know” file of our mind, keep the box closed & move on with our bad self.
  2. Grab a knife, scissors, anything remotely sharp really & tear into that box. Rip out all off the bubble wrap, tape & stuffing, pulling that old situation out & adding to it. Ripping off the fresh bandaid and letting that wound seep out in all its new freshness.

What are we to do? How do you decide? I don’t know. I have no freaking clue at all.

Recently, I had this happen to me. Here is what I did.

I immediately freaked out. Psyched myself out to the point where I knew I needed a second opinion, maybe a third. I went to text the first person who came to mind. Nope. That person is new, doesn’t know the situation well enough. 2nd person: Very good person to go to. I could have definitely gone to this person with this problem & they would have talked me through it, BUT….also a newer person in my life. Doesn’t know the situation & I didn’t feel like explaining it to try and help them understand. Ok, 3rd person, 4th, 5th, 6th, etc… I went through the list. The 3rd person is actually who I contacted for help after considering around 7-10 people. The rest of the people knew the situation, but may have been to close to it or are too emotional or I don’t talk to them anymore, so I went with the person who I knew would be honest with me, tell me if I was being crazy, support me and give me good advice.

This person talked to me about it and they also had plans to deal with the situation from their end. It made me feel a little better. Enough to be able to sleep at least.

I have decided to keep the box closed. I am completely at peace with my closure on this situation. The box may get opened in the future because this information and situation isn’t over for everyone involved. At that point, if the box gets opened again, I will deal with it however I decide at that time.

There are so many things to focus on in life and it is up to us to decide what we focus on. I urge you to think long and hard considering all outcomes before returning to and opening a closed box. Sometimes it is necessary, I understand that. Please be mindful of what you focus on. You control your Mindset, Actions and Your Life.

And if you decide to open the box, ask for help. We were not put on this earth to do life alone and there are plenty of Loving people willing to be there for you and help.

Your vibe attracts your tribe.

Things change. Sometimes it sucks.

Choose Happy Anyways.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah