Adventures of Life, Death, Love & Light

The Waiting Game

“The average person throughout their lifetime spends five years waiting in lines and queues where roughly six months of that is waiting at traffic lights.” -thefactsite.com

I used to hate waiting. It drove me bonkers. I have little to no patience for that nonsense in my life. I guess the joke is on me because now we are all waiting for this Covid stuff to go away or at least die down a bit to resume our normal lives.

I realized I find myself waiting a lot. Not just in lines or on other people, but in general on life. That’s a problem for me, so I decided to make a conscious effort to combat this. As a result, I have thought a lot about waiting a lot lately. Here are some of those thoughts…

Waiting on other people: this post isn’t going to focus on waiting for other people, but I must touch on the subject briefly. I used to think people who are always late and make others wait were the absolute WORST. It irritated me to no end! Why couldn’t people just be considerate of my time and be On Time?!

I used to only be around one person who was late all the time. He purposely kept people waiting in order to feel as though he had control over situations. This isn’t speculation, he told me this. He did it professionally and personally all the time. I was never especially fond of this person and the fact that he did this made me like him less than I already did. He probably couldn’t have been on time regardless because he also happens to have horrible time management skills. Anyways, this guy is a real piece of work. A top notch narcissist. We did not jive and since I really only knew him as a person who is late all the time or kept people waiting, I assumed all people who are late all the time were doing it because of his reasons.

What I realize now is that there are a variety of reasons a person may be late all the time. Too many to list honestly. My kids make me late all the time, but it no longer bothers me. If I have to wait, I may get irritated for a second, but I let that go really quickly. This is because my people now who are late people always show up and when it really matters if they are in time, they are on time.

Also, I’d much rather wait on someone and have them be late than not have them be there at all. I used to be a chronic yellow light runner. When I saw a yellow light, I would speed up to get through the light before it was red instead of slow down and stop to wait for the cycle to run. My late husband knew this and it bothered him. He didn’t think it was very safe. He brought it up to me one day and I tried to argue that I hated being late to things and thought it was rude and embarrassing. He responded by saying, “Don’t you think the people you are going to see would rather you arrive late than never arrive at all?” That really hit me in a way I had never thought about before and ever since then, I slow down when I see a yellow light even if a light cycle might make me late.

Why did I get so wrapped up in other people’s behavior? I was so worried about them being late that I was literally just wasting time waiting for them and worrying about something I cannot change. We can’t go through life letting other people’s actions affect us so negatively. We have zero control over what other people do. Now, I always have a book with me and if I happen not to, I have a plan to write something or I come up with something to do to pass the time other than to sit and wait. A short drive alone can do wonders for a person.

I believe my anxiety makes me feel like I am always waiting for something. Anxiety coupled with my planning, type-A-ish personality really does a number on me for this one. In order for me to believe I will get what I want, I envision it. I meditate on it. I see myself where I want to be in life and that helps make it happen for me. This works incredibly well. It has to do with the Law of Attraction, which is a bit more complex, but not really. There’s a really good movie called The Law of Attraction on this subject if you are interested.

What happens when I don’t know what my future plan is?

Well, first, I fall apart. I feel lost like I can’t function and I lose my damn mind. I would say, the majority of the time, a person can control their future by doing what I do. A scary part of Covid 19 for mantis that they don’t know what the future looks like, so they feel out of control. I get this. My anxieties don’t all revolve around Covid19 though. There are plenty of factors in my life that are out of my control making certain future aspects of my life difficult to envision. So, what do I do?

I have decided that all of that thinking, worrying, and anxiety is really just me waiting. Waiting for something I don’t know to happen. When you are sitting alone waiting and stressing about your future, you are not taking advantage of life the way you should. You are not living your current best life if you are constantly stressing about things that may or may not be. Note: this is different from what I spoke of before, envisioning your future. Stressing about it is basically sitting there because you can’t figure out what your future holds and stewing in it. Crying about it. Losing sleep. All of those things lead you to not live in the moment or even the day. What a waste of time.

When I finally got to the point where I was at my wit’s end with worrying and stressing, I knew I had to make a change. This was driving me crazy. I was like Rapunzel in Tangled singing “When will my life begin??” Now, any time I find my mind going down that path, I do something different. I don’t always do the same thing, but I always get up and do something. Cleaning makes me feel very in control and who doesn’t love a clean house, right? I often clean. When I don’t want to clean, I do something else. Instead of stewing in things I cannot control, I think to myself, “What would make me happy right now?” Then, I do the thing that will make me happy. If anything it distracts me for a while from worrying and most times I am happy with what I decided to do.

Here are some other things you can do when you find yourself Waiting:

Craft something. I am back into doing collage art for now, but also love sewing, crocheting, and coloring
Read a book. We all have so many books or at least several. Pick any one up and read it. If you can’t get into it, get rid of that book
Do a puzzle
Watch a movie
Watch a show
Go for a walk/run/bike ride
Do a live video on Facebook. You never have to re-watch it and it is fun!
Cook a new-to-you dish
Take a nap (if you can stop your mind long enough to get to sleep)
Play a video game
Talk to your kids
Call a family member/friend you always mean to call, but never do.
Play an instrument
Sing karaoke
Meditate. If you don’t “know how,” check out YouTube videos. They are super helpful
Exercise
Make a list of 10 year goals, write them out, put them on your wall, & envision them being your reality
Write.

I definitely do not have all of the answers, but I do know that waiting around for your life to begin is not a healthy way to live. As much as we might want our life to be a Disney movie and have everything magically happen and turn out perfectly, it’s not. We have to work for what we want.

If you can’t see what you want or what your future is, focus on now.

Enjoy what IS.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Literally me just complaining about Covid accompanied by quite a few F-Bombs. I didn’t even include any pictures.

I am thankful for everything we have. Everything. I am grateful for all of it and I thank God and the universe daily for all of my blessings.

But this post isn’t about that. This post is about to get real. It may sound privileged and whiny to some, but I do not care. Don’t read it if you don’t want to hear me complain. My feelings and thoughts are valid even if you don’t understand.

I don’t often have these negative, angry thoughts, but I did today. I never dwell in them because that never leads to anything good, but today, I thought I need to stew for a minute. This helps me process. You have to feel the emotion to process it and let it flow through and out. So, this is me processing.

FUCK YOU, COVID 19.

FUCK YOU WHOEVER DID THIS. FUCK THE BAT. FUCK THE MARKET. FUCK EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Do you even KNOW what the fuck me and my kids have been through in the past year and a half?!? Did you even take that into consideration before introducing yourself to the world and wrecking any sense of normalcy we had left?!

Me and my kids went through pure hell last February. We had our normal switched up on us with no notice. Our entire world changed and we have had to completely rebuild a new normal life. We had LITERALLY just gotten to a spot where we had a groove, dude! We had a system for getting homework done, we had wrestling that my two littles were so into and it was so good for them, Jack had just gotten a part in the school play – a passion of his, my personal and work life were ThRiViNg. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN NOW????

Considering Covid 19 is something that has never happened before (or anything like it), WHY, oh, WHY did this have to happen NOW????

There would never be a good time for this to happen, but this seriously was a horrible one. This could have happened when I had a husband to help me with the house, the kids, etc. This could have happened in 5 years when our new normal was more normal and we had been in our groove for a long amount of time. All my kids want is normalcy and structure. That has all gone out the window.

“Why don’t you create structure and normalcy at your house, Sarah?” <–To anyone thinking this, you do it. Come over to my house, spend a week or two and work your magic. If you aren’t willing to do that for us, then Mind Your Business.

Do you know how hard it is to maintain the few relationships I have now that we can’t see each other and do things? Do you know how important the Sunday dinners with my family were to my kids’ mental and emotional health? Do you know that not everyone was born to teach their own kids stuff and that is why God created magnificent creatures called teachers?!

This isn’t fair. No. It’s not right at all. How could you, Covid?? I HATE YOU!!!!

At least we have the entire world in crisis with us now. Nope, somehow that makes it no better and 1,000 times worse. This sucks. This summer was going to be so fun and you, Covid, ruined it. You suck.

Ok, now I’m gonna have to go meditate and make a list of things I am grateful for 🙂

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Happy National Haiku Day!

I recently told someone that I hate all holidays and do not have a favorite. I forgot about one. I DO have a favorite holiday and it is today, April 17th, National Haiku Day!!!

I celebrated by sharing haikus on social media today. I also sent a few select people Haiku text messages. A very small number of people only got Haiku texts all day and no texts in any other form. I am not sure what these people’s level of contentment is with this, but I am positive that mine is at Level 100 and they love me, so they’ll deal with it!

Haikus are so fun! So easy to write. They don’t have to make sense. In fact, if they don’t make sense, they somehow seem more deep. They can be serious, silly, and utter nonsense. I just love them so, so much!

I wrote Haikus for a few days just because of this fabulous holiday this week. In honor of National Haiku Day, I give you this year’s haikus…

I love you so much

I hope you have a good day

Happy haiku day!

It is Haiku day

So, I’m talking in Haikus

That’s all I’ve sent them!

Anger. Resentment.

Process. Meditate. Center.

Love. Happiness. Peace

It’s so hard to write

In short haikus all the time

But it keeps texts short!

I get so confused

These thoughts running through my mind

Please shut it all off

My children are cute

They make me laugh a lot too

I think I’ll keep them

Your heart is right here

In each of your three children

Your legacy lives

I should be asleep

Instead I am up writing

Haikus are awesome

Sometimes I forget

I reach out to talk to you

To hear you once more

He doesn’t play games

For him, there is not a need

For he is a king 👑

We silently judge

We smile, are polite & nice

We are all guilty

I wait and I watch

For something. For Anything

I wait and I watch

She doesn’t play games

She has real, pure intentions

She has a good heart

This is all too much

Sometimes I struggle a lot

I Can do this alone

Indestructible.

Broken. Picking up pieces.

Thriving together.

My feelings are mine

Others I cannot control

I must Remember

Elearning is dumb

Technology is awesome

I’m out of patience

You cannot control

How other people may feel

Always omit Love

Happy I am now

Haikus sound like Yoda speech

I am a Jedi

Love, Light, Happiness

Spread through the entire world

Smile for you are loved.

I am so sorry

For things that I may have done

To make you so sad

Omit Love & Light

That is my whole life mission

Love & Light to you

Of course, I brought my kids in on the fun too! Two of my boys enjoyed it, one wrote a haiku reluctantly. I will let you decide which one did that!

Jess Jr. (8):

I hope you are rich

I hope you like haiku day

Plz have a good day!

Jack (13):

I don’t like haikus

Don’t want to do one right now

I don’t like haikus

Charlie (6):

I love my mommy

I love my mommy so much

I love my mommy

Happy National Haiku Day!

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

The Papasan Chair

Side note: I definitely thought it was “Poppyson Chair” and I like my way a lot better. Just sayin….

I moved in August 2019. Moving was a pretty big deal because we had been at our old house for 13 years. Jess Sr. and I purchased the home together right before Jack was born and we made it into our family home. The “Rolston house” was the only home my boys had ever known. It was the home we had shared as a family with their father who died in February 2019. Some – MOST – say one shouldn’t make any “huge” life decisions or changes within a year of losing their spouse. I pretty much knocked all those out of the park within a year, so….What can I say? I’ve always been a rule breaker.

I never thought I would get out of that POS house. I spent a good portion of those 13 years trying to figure out how we would ever get away from it. When an opportunity arose soon after Jess’s death to get out of that house, I jumped on it. Why not? Everything in our lives had just been flipped upside-down and messed up already. We might as well get this out of the way too. I hated that house.

When we moved, it was an all woman movement. Not on purpose, it just kind of happened that way. I hired movers, they were guys, but aside from them, it was me, my mom, and my friend/sitter with her two teenage girls. This new house is AmAzInG! It is so beautiful, big, and something I never imagined I could afford or ever felt I deserved. I knew I could afford it and I had learned that I did deserve it.

I felt empowered doing this by myself.

I felt like a Boss Bitch.

I felt like I could do anything on my own.

Enter the papasan chair. My parents had this really old papasan chair that had been at their house for quite some time, but before that was at my grandparents’ house. This papasan chair had been in my life as long as I could remember. My parents decided to get rid of it, so I asked if I could have it. Of course, they said yes. I LoVe papasan chairs!

This chair came with a very old, refurbished pillow that had honestly seen better days. I went to Amazon because, what doesn’t Amazon have, right? I sorted through so many options and I found the perfect cushion. It screamed a perfect vibe to me and I had to have it! It also looked super comfortable and fluffy.

This cushion was $80.00. EIGHTY MOTHER FLIPPING DOLLARS! What?! I had never bought anything more expensive than a $30.00 bookshelf for my home. I was/am the queen of hand-me-down furniture. My eclectic style fits this quite perfectly. So, eighty dollars for a huge pillow was a hard pill for me to swallow.

Add to Cart.

Check Out.

I just purchased an eighty dollar pillow.

Why not? “Treat Yo’ Self”, am I right?!

The cushion arrived. It was beautiful. It was glorious. It was everything I never knew I always needed in the middle of my living room. I was So Happy!

Fast forward about a week or two. I notice a tear in the cushion. The EIGHTY DOLLAR CUSHION that I JUST BOUGHT! Ugh! OF course. Well, I may not be able to use my sewing machine because I never learned how to and I am intimidated by it, but I am a pro at stitching things by hand. I whipped out my sewing kit and patched the hole.

Fast forward a few weeks later. I notice another tear/tiny hole, but ignore it. One more week passes by. The hole is now basically a crater and my dog is having the time of his life with the pillow’s stuffing. UgH! I stitch it up again.

Needless to say, this keeps happening. Although the fabric was brilliantly beautiful, it tore whenever anyone moved on it. My dog is big and has long nails and I have a cat with her front claws, so I am sure neither of those things helped save the cushion.

Eventually, I had to use a patch. The way papasan cushions are put together, there are a lot of seams and tight spots. There was simply no more fabric to pull together to sew. I grabbed some like-colored fabric, cut a square, and busting out the old sewing kit again. It ended up looking pretty cool. Not perfect by any means, but decent, with added character.

Earlier this year, me and the boys were given an activity to do at the ‘house for grieving children’ we go to because their dad died. It was called a patchwork house. We were given a large cardboard square and several different patterned patches of materials. We were told to build a patchwork house showing all of the things, people, etc. that have helped us rebuild our lives since we lost our person.

Our patchwork house was quite the struggle because my two littles did not comprehend what we were told to do, but we got it done. I begrudgingly participated because I hate doing that kind of thing. The activities that make you deal with the loss and think of the pain and struggles make me cringe. I’d rather deal with it alone, in my room, crying until I process it all, thanks. I did not understand the significance of it at the time. I figured the program directors just wanted to mix it up at the place. I didn’t even like our end result, but I brought it home. I was going to throw it away because it had ended up on the floor in the living room, but Charlie saw me and stopped me. He wanted to keep it. I told him he could and he placed it in a corner in his room.

Last weekend, a tiny hole had gotten way out of control and there were several other areas on the cushion that needed patched. I worked tirelessly on them until they were all finished. It took a total of 2 and a half Avengers movies (we had an Avengers marathon), which is like, 7-8 hours. My boys asked me why I kept repairing it instead of pitching it and getting a new one. I am famous in our house for trashing anything with a hole or broken piece or something we cannot find all the pieces to. At the time, I didn’t have an answer, but the question sure made me think.

As I thought of my reason why, I realized this $80.00 papasan cushion was my own personal patchwork house. I never have forgotten the wonderful feelings I had when I moved into my new house and purchased the new cushion. The feeling of: “I have this on my own. I can totally do this.“

As with life, nothing is perfect. Things go wrong. Holes appear. Things happen that need fixed. I have been working on rebuilding our lives for over a year now and this cushion is a physical representation of that. Any time something has gone wrong or needed fixed, I figured out a way to fix it. Sometimes I needed help from others, just as I did when I needed to figure out how to add more fabric and reached out for suggestions. No matter what, I have figured out what was needed to make our lives work and feel complete.

Many people will look at my cushion and think it is a ratty, old, oversized pillow that isn’t very pleasing to the eyes.

Many people look at my life that way too. A series of events that have resulted in less than ideal results.

I view them differently. My cushion is now a representation of all of the hard work and time I have put into it to make it whole again. The patches are proof that it hasn’t been easy, but we have figured out a way to make it work.

Our life may look like a shit show from the outside looking in and trust me, some days it still feels like utter chaos and disarray. We are still here. We have had plenty of holes placed in the way, challenges we have had to overcome. Some started tiny and got bigger and bigger and have required a great deal of work. No one, not even the people closest to you can fully realize how much you have been through and comprehend it. No matter what you have gone through. My boys and I have worked hard and put in the time to fix them together.

If someone wants to look at you and think you are a mess – LET THEM.

Only you know what you have been through. Only you know how hard you have really worked to get where you are.

If you are Healthy & Happy, Screw Everyone Who May Judge You and Think Otherwise!

I still think I am ridiculous for spending $80.00 on a huge pillow, but I am so grateful I did.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Am I Broken?

This is the question on my mind this week.

I have been so good for so long. Figuring out everything and how to do this whole life thing all over again. Making really good life choices, not only for me, but for my children too. We got into a groove and were doing so well.

And then we weren’t.

Our lives, along with everyone else’s lives, got flipped upside down and turned inside out. Our routines changed, our normal is gone. We now have no routine and no normal. It’s awful. I thought I had a leg-up. I thought I had this in the bag. I have been told I have gone through the worst thing anyone can ever go through, so I thought I would be fine. Boy, was I wrong.

I feel an incredible amount of guilt for those in a worse situation than me. Some people have lost their jobs while I still have mine. Some people are sick with this virus or have loved ones who have it and are battling it alone in the hospital. Some people are on the front lines saving people’s lives while endangering their own and I am simply stuck at home for a while.

There is an important thought I try to remember when I feel my worries aren’t “good enough” to worry about. I have no idea who to give credit to. I have seen it on multiple occasions and will share the most recent one I saw:

So, please don’t think I don’t know there are many people struggling with things that are so much worse than what I have going on at the surface of things. I know. This post isn’t about that. This is about my version of what many people are going through right now. That’s it.

I am not writing this for pity or compliments. I do not want that.

I have spent the past few weeks trying to get a new normal.

I have spent the last few weeks figuring out how to work from home and have children at home 24/7 with me.

I have spent the last few weeks trying to figure out why this is such a dramatic change for me when I have been through a huge life shift and was doing so well at handling it.

I have zero answers.

I am writing this in case someone else feels the exact same way or some similar way. To let that person know they are not alone and not feeling good or even feeling bad or depressed is okay.

We have no new routine. We have no new normal. Every single day is still a struggle for me and my kids. It sucks.

I can’t even adequately describe how I feel and I believe most wouldn’t understand anyways. I can tell you that I go through what seems like 1,000 different emotions every day. The entire spectrum and I feel crazy. I can tell you I cry more than once a day because I am overwhelmed or feel lonely and maybe even a little scared sometimes. I can tell you that I feel bad for feeling bad because I am lucky to be going through what I am going through and nothing worse.

I could tell you that I always like my kids and we are having a grand time spending every waking moment together, but that would be a lie. I have found myself wondering if I even like my kids at times and wondering why I decided to have kids in the first place. I am not cut out for this. I LoVe my boys, but I am positive we do not like each other a lot of the time.

I am alone in my house with my three boys. People often come over and after a few minutes they always say, “Is it always like this?” I have to look around and figure out what they are noticing that I am not because I know what they are saying, but I tend to tune it out. “Yes, it is always like this,” is always my answer. I hardly notice the volume in my house is permanently on LOUD and the running and screaming never cease. I never knew how my job, the only real time I get away from my kids, kept me sane. I work with 3 other people in an office. I had no idea what that time meant to me until now. I knew it was important and I valued it, but not how much it meant to me, not even close. Whenever I did take a break from my kids to visit other people, I enjoyed the slower pace and quiet, but I always thought it was too quiet and wondered how people live all the time like that. I’ve been conditioned to be around my high energy kids so much that I used to not even notice and now it’s like they’ve been turned onto super mode or something because I swear they are louder and crazier than ever. And Man, Can they FIGHT!

My kids aren’t the only thing that has me off. If that was it, I bet I could deal. It’s more than that. I have a routine at work and I thrive on structure. I listen to my earphones and what makes me happy while I work. Affirmations, motivational speeches/videos, and favorite playlists. I do things in a certain order when I am at work. I eat lunch around the same time every day at work. Nothing is the same now. I know people will just tell me to make a routine and stick to it at home, listen to what I normally would, yada, yada, yada…but it’s not that easy. That’s easier said than done and I haven’t mastered the “done” part yet.

My days are so crazy to me right now that my house is a wreck. I have no definitive “getting home from work” transition, I guess, and that gives me little to no motivation to do anything once I log off my work computer. Today was Saturday, my cleaning day, and I literally sat around all day saying I was going to get up to clean and not doing so. I managed to get some cleaning done. I found an energy drink that I thought I hadn’t opened, but I had, so I had to drink it before it got gross and that helped me get some things done. I imagine I will get things done tomorrow knowing I won’t probably get much cleaning accomplished throughout next week. If I got into a funk prior to sheltering in place, I would just invite someone over and clean like a maniac before they came to my house! That option is off the table for now.

My point is, this sucks. No matter what your situation is. Maybe you are adjusting fine and dandy and I am happy for you if you are. I really am. If not, that’s okay too.

I started exercising and that has helped tremendously. I also reach out when I feel too overwhelmed, although I will admit I do not tell them everything, exactly how bad I feel, and I don’t reach out every time I should. I’ve decided I might need to do more at night. I am naturally a night owl anyways and this is the perfect opportunity to take advantage of that and do what I want when I want. I have to log onto work at 9:00 am, but no one said I have to be dressed in real clothes!

I have seen many posts from fellow parents and non-parents about how they are dealing with this sheltering in place situation. I am genuinely worried that people are not dealing with their feelings and emotions and are relying too heavily on substances, but I can’t fix the world, so I won’t try to right now. I can only control myself and I will continue to do that. I will ask everyone to Please Feel the Feelings and Process Them. Processing emotions is easier than you think it is if you are an avoider like I used to be. They literally flow through you. They do not last forever. You just have to let them flow instead of avoiding them. Do whatever you want with your own time, but if you mask your feelings with a substance, the negative feelings don’t go away and they often become worse.

If you are struggling – You are not alone.

If you are living your best quarantine life – More power to you! Live it up!

Remember: Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes with other people’s Highlight Reels.

We’re all in the Together, Apart.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

IDGAF

“I don’t care what other people think of me.”

So many people say this all the time. Hell, I say this all the time.

Let’s be honest for a minute…We do care.

I have been struggling with this one for a while now. My desire to not want to care is fighting with me still caring what other people think of me. My actions, my words, my feelings, my everything. As I sit here writing this at my boys’ wrestling practice, walls lined with parents, I am wondering about the person next to me that could be reading this. Ultimately, I do not care what any random person reading this thinks of me, but the thought still crosses my mind.

Often, these thoughts cross my mind as they do everyone’s mind, I’m sure. Typically, these thoughts for me are fleeting because I quickly remind myself I truly do not care what other people think of me. If I let these thoughts consume me, I wouldn’t be where I am in my life right now. I wouldn’t be writing, blogging, working where I work, friends with the people I am friends with and I would still be in contact with a lot of toxic people. In this respect, I really do not care. There have been several times I wrote and read a post and had thoughts filled with worry of other people’s judgment of me. Ultimately, I ignored those thoughts and published the blog anyways.

What I have been really struggling with here lately has been what the people I care about most think about me. I know, it’s silly, right?! I have not posted things and not written things because of this.

“What if it makes them mad?”

“What if (insert name here) thinks I am directing this at them?”

(Which, is a thing I have done, or at least I write things with people or specific situations in mind. Not like I am trying to call anyone out, but a lot of the time it stems from a specific situation and spins into thoughts far beyond that, so it’s not like I am speaking directly to someone. If I was, I would just speak directly to that person.)

“What if they are judging my grammar?”

(I’m aware this one is extra ridiculous, but I write how I talk sometimes and I hate commas and their usage with a passion.)

“What if this completely changes their view on who I am as a person and they somehow flip their script and decide they don’t like me anymore?!?”

I guess this makes sense. I mean, the people you hold most dear are the people you do not want to disappoint, make sad, or upset. I have very few people in my circle, which may make this more important to me than to other people, I don’t know. After far too much thought, I end up telling myself something like,

“Sarah, these people love you for who you are. Part of the reason these people love you so much is because of what you do and say. Part of what they love about you is what you are afraid of doing right now.”

Then, I do it anyways.

Think of all the successful business owners and entrepreneurs you know. Do you think they were scared? Do you think they were afraid of their family members and friends judging them? I am positive at least one person told every single one of those people that they were crazy. They couldn’t do it. They told them all of the reasons they should not do whatever their dream was. That is the main reason why people do not pursue their dreams. Not because of lack of money or time, but because of their fear of losing the people closest to them in the process.

Our loved ones have the absolute best intentions when they warn us of all the ways our ideas can go wrong. They want to help us and watch us succeed, not fail. They don’t know any better. Believe it or not, they are putting us down and killing our dreams because they care. I have a loved one who tells me every time I see them that something I am doing or something I said is wrong or a bad idea. You know what I started doing? I started to avoid talking to them. I don’t have to avoid them physically and I am positive they haven’t noticed this small difference while it has made a significant positive impact on my life. What’s right for me isn’t right for them and that is completely acceptable. What they failed at, I can succeed at, but they will tell me all the reasons I won’t, so I don’t share things with them.

If you are anything like me, you will find it SO VERY HARD to stop sharing all the things with a loved one. I tell my people everything, but I have learned when not to. There are certain things I know specific people will immediately shoot down and I am not here for that energy, so I choose not to discuss certain things with those people. I hate it, but I do it in pursuit of my goals and dreams.

An important question you need to continually ask yourself is:

“How committed am I to my dream?”

This question is such an important reminder to me that I have it as a screensaver on my phone. It reminds me every time I look at my phone, which is quite often, to stay focused. It is a constant reminder of me asking myself, “Is what you are doing right now helping you achieve your goals?”

When the people close to you start ripping apart your dreams, you don’t have to cut them off. You do need to realize what is happening and think about if it is helping you achieve the greatness within you.

I am not out here telling you to start hurting people all the time with no regard for their feelings. I am not telling you to do whatever you want if it is harmful to you or to others. I am not even telling you Not To Care.

I AM Telling you that those people won’t pay your bills.

I AM Telling you to overcome it.

I AM telling you, Go For The Thing!

Those people you are worried about judging you probably won’t remember what they judged you for in a day or five years from now. You will. You will remember you did not do the thing because you were afraid. You will always wonder what might have happened if you had done it.

I have struggled with the thoughts of other people’s judgments so badly that I have spent the past 4 days intentionally listening to people tell me not to be afraid. To go for it. To do the things I want to do. Today, I finally got sick of it. I finally realized sometimes people will read my posts and think I am referring to them and get mad. Sometimes people will disagree with my thoughts and want to have a serious discussion. Not everyone will like you and not everyone will hate you and most people will be somewhere in between. If I ever offend anyone in any of my posts, please know that is never my intention. Also know, I Do Care About You and am always open to constructive discussions.

When you think about what your dreams are, think about what is holding you back from achieving them. If it is mainly fear of failure (this is fear of judgment, by the way) or fear of what people will think of you, then I urge you to reconsider doing it. Instead of being worried about the naysayers and negative judgments, think about you succeeding. What will they think of you then? Because really, you wouldn’t start something you didn’t think you could succeed at anyways, right?

SEE yourself succeeding.

KNOW you are going to succeed.

VISUALIZE your loved ones seeing you succeed and cheering you on.

Success here, is a relative term. It may mean Money, Happiness, Fame, or a number of other things. It doesn’t matter, that’s why I used that term.

“I don’t care” is such a bullshit statement. We all know we do.

If you’re afraid,

DO IT SCARED.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Special Note: No, I did not just write this from a public wrestling practice full of people. I am sheltering in place like I am supposed to be. I wrote this maybe 2 months ago in Word on my computer and forgot about it. I still like the message, so I am publishing now.

Reminder: STAY HOME PEOPLE!!!

WWJsrD

I often find myself thinking…

What Would Jess Sr do?

I would very much like to know what you would think of all this madness. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m sure you would still be working because you’d work at a restaurant. As a manager, maybe you’d even be working more. I think you would have worked it out so you somehow ended up with extra time with the kids. You would work crazy long shifts on the days you worked to get an extra day off with them or something.

You and I were always so incredibly different. I am positive we would have 2 vastly differing perspectives on all this.

I have been struggling with how to make my work-from-home-while-kids-are-home work. I have made a daily schedule portioning off their whole day into time increments trying to equally give them academic and play/free time. They have, of course, been bargaining and begging for more video game and YouTube time. Sometimes I give in. Ok, some entire Days I give in. It’s still a work in progress.

I need to have structure to get through these days. To get work done and for us all not to fight all the time and kill each other. Still, we are fighting all the time. Jack said that “everyone is always mad all the time” here. I don’t want their memories of this time to be awful, but I don’t know what else to do. Just like everything else these days, there is a lot of pressure on parents right now to “do this right” even though literally no one has ever had to do this and we are all in the same boat. Like somehow this whole CoronaVirus thing won’t already screw our kids up enough and we can make or break it for them.

“Make sure they are learning”

“You don’t have to make sure they are doing educational things”

“Make sure they are having fun”

“Make sure they remember this fondly with warm fuzzies”

“Don’t screw this up because then your kid will be the weird one who had a boring time off during this super anxiety-producing, scary, never before happened pandemic we are all adjusting to”

#nopressurethough 🙄

All I keep thinking is you would be LoViNg the extra time with them. You wouldn’t have to work from home, so all your time here would be with them. You wouldn’t be focused on keeping the house super clean and tidy (you never did). You always made me sit down and chill or do whatever with the kids when I was up cleaning and you were there. I’m not sure if it was to enjoy the time together or because you didn’t want to feel bad for not cleaning too, but I imagine you see your time as well spent.

Today, as I was thinking of ways not to be a psycho mom, I again thought of what you would be doing with the boys. You would be cuddling and watching movies. That was everyone’s favorite thing to do and to this day the kids all say you were the “Best Cuddler Ever” (with me being a close, but definite second). I decided when I got off work we would try the Dad method.

When I logged off work, I gathered the boys up and told them to head upstairs to my bedroom. They were confused and I confidently announced, “We are going to go upstairs, watch a Disney movie that I pick, and be a happy family.” I got a little push back, so I jokingly yelled through gritted teeth, “COME UPSTAIRS AND BE A HAPPY DISNEY FAMILY WITH ME!” They all listened.

We went upstairs and watched Big Hero 6. I forgot that Charlie was too young to remember this movie and they all enjoyed it. I fell asleep (also something you did often during movies). When I woke up, the boys were downstairs and had started another movie. I cuddled and joined in the movie watching.

We are now on movie #3. Just me and the littles who both just fell asleep actually. It’s Walle, another movie that neither Charlie or Jess jr remember a lot of. An “end of times” story that I thought would be fitting for the current world situation.

Maybe everyone is right. Structure is great and I will still make them read, but I think there is a lot more movie watching in our near future. And cuddling. I’m pretty sure that’s the best part 😊

Thank you, Jess. Thanks for being you and for reminding me of what is really important and needed right now. And thank you for persisting I figure out what you would be doing right about now. For pushing me to figure it out.

I’m still not sure what you would think, but I don’t need to know.

I know what I need to know and what I need to do thanks to you.

Thank you.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Attention Fellow Humans: We are NOT OK

I have been more absent than usual. I try to only write when I am inspired to do so to lesson anything feeling or reading forced. I have been compelled to write So Many Things these past few weeks, but they all came from an angry, reactive space and I am not here to emit that jazz, so I waited. Now, I am here to say:

Fellow Humans: We are NOT OK

Everyone is going through a similar situation right now. A LOT is unknown and unknown is scary. We are not all going through the exact same situation right now and that also makes it difficult. I am positive many people look at what others are going through and feel like they cannot talk to anyone about what they are going through because it does not seem as bad as other people’s situations. In this case, many people go silent. They are overwhelmed and stressed and trying to figure things out on their own. This is never good. Especially in such a scary time such as we are in now.

Let me tell you this – No one is okay right now. Not a one of us. Every adult I have spoken to has had a “breaking point” and I have had several. We are teetering between feeling like “we got this” to preparing for the end of the world to feeling helpless and overwhelmed in a matter of 5 minutes. Our entire lives all got flipped upside-down seemingly overnight and no one is left with a normal.

In this respect, I feel like I have an edge. My entire world has already been flipped and I have already had to deal with figuring out a new normal. I also feel kind of like it isn’t fair because I have already had to do this once and it was pretty recent and wouldn’t you know it, now this. Ultimately, I am already equipped with healthy coping mechanisms and I know what to do for myself and my family when I don’t feel I can make it through the month, the week, the day. I know I can do it because I have already done it, which is a luxury right now that not many people have.

A lot of people have lost their jobs. A lot of people are working from home with their kids there. A lot of small businesses are struggling because they have had to close. A lot of people’s jobs are in jeopardy depending on the timeline of this. A lot of people cannot see their children because they co-parent and the best thing for everyone right now is for their children to stay exactly where they are. A lot of people cannot see their loved ones in nursing homes. A lot of people cannot be with their loved ones as they battle a new virus by themselves in the hospital. A lot of people are putting their lives on the line and avoiding their own families to help save other people’s lives.

There are countless scenarios going on right now that are new and have never been thought of before this week or a month ago. I have no solutions for any of these. We have to stay separated and that totally sucks. I do have some ways to maybe help anyone feeling like they aren’t gonna make it, so I will share those now.

Eat something. Even if you aren’t hungry, make yourself eat something every day. This keeps you alive and being alive is good. We want you here and We Love You.
Sleep. Sleep is good for you. I tell my kids “Rest is Best” all the time. Hardly any of us get enough sleep anyways, so sleep more than you usually do. A bonus to sleeping is your mind won’t be reeling while you are asleep. Give your body and your mind some extra rest.
Stay off Social Media & News Sites. These are aiding your anxiety, I guarantee it. If you are anything like me, you are on them way too much normally and now it has been taken to a whole new level. Make yourself not go on. If you catch yourself going to that app, Stop yourself. Just don’t do it. I promise you it is negatively affecting your mental health.
Phone a Friend or Professional. If you have someone you trust, call or text them. Tell them what you are worried about and how it is affecting you. They may not have all the answers to make it go away, but telling someone really does help. If you don’t have someone to text or call, then call a professional. A counselor or therapist or a hotline. Tell someone.
Distract yourself. Do something “mindless.” Video games are good for this or any hobby that you already know how to do without much thought.
Do Projects. Projects help me a lot. I like to do cleaning and organizing projects because that is how I work. For example, today I cleaned my room. I cleaned out every single drawer and both of my closets. I purged clothes and bags and papers and dust bunnies. I swept and hand washed my wood floors. It looks great and I feel amazing as I sit in my room and type this. I would love to say I made a dresser or something really cool, but I don’t currently have those capabilities, so I clean and organize.

I am not a doctor and I am not promising these things will make it all better because they won’t. These things have helped me in times times when I had no idea what to think or do. I have been placed in a messed up mental space that affected my health involuntarily for quite some time and these are some ways I got through it.

This whole experience really does feel eerily similar to grieving and everything I have gone through since losing my husband. I feel like the entire world is getting a glimpse of part of what I went through. I feel somewhat prepared for what I have been going through recently. I feel like I have to now (again) figure out a new normal. Except this time, so does the entire world along with me.

When it feels like this is too much to handle, it’s because it is. Not that we won’t handle it because we all will, but this is A LOT. A lot of things out of our control directly affecting how we live our lives. It feels unfair because IT IS UNFAIR. You know how adults always tell kids, “Well, Life’s not fair” when the kids don’t get their way? We say it because it’s true. It’s completely acceptable to feel angry and sad and whatever else you feel about this because your feelings are legitimate and valid.

Feel the feelings.

Work through them.

Then get to work on your new normal.

We are all going to come out of this being able to say what happened to us. Being able to tell the story of this crazy virus taking over our country. It’s not about what happened, that’s not the story. It’s about what you do with it. That’s where it gets interesting. We have so many opportunities right now to create great stories. From helping our neighbors to supporting our medical professionals to shaping the next generation of adult humans into incredibly caring and serving individuals. Let’s do this right.

I cannot take credit for this next advice. It has come from several people close to me in the past year and I believe they were told it by other people previous to that, but it is something I always remind myself and that helps me immensely when I am struggling…

When it all seems Too Much. When you are Overwhelmed, Anxious, Scared, Freaking Out, and Going Insane, Remember This:

You don’t have to worry about that right now. You don’t have to fix this right now. You don’t have to worry about next month or next week or even tomorrow.

Work on getting through Today.

If that’s too much, Focus on getting through this Hour.

If that’s too much, Focus on this Minute. Focus on this Second.

We’re all trying to just get through the day at this point, and you can do it. I promise you can.

We are all in this Together, Apart.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Corona Time Educational & Fun ideas for Kids

It’s official, the Coronavirus is in the US and severely cramping our style. Many of us have schools shut down and work closings. If you don’t, you will soon and it’s not a regular day off, we all have to STAY HOME from everywhere for this to work!

My children’s school district does not have e-learning in place, so I immediately started thinking of ideas to keep my kids thinking, learning, and using their knowledge so they can at least go back to school not having lost anything and maybe go back knowing a little more. I still have to work from home and am not a teacher, so I am positive there are better resources out there, but I thought I would share some of my ideas.

These are all super low planning/work for you and activities that my children, children who do not want to do school work at home, will do and largely enjoy.

Artist of the day: have child research an artist (give them the name) & then discuss their art with you. Then, have child paint/draw a picture similar to the artist’s style or simply have them color/draw a picture
Physical exercise: Take a walk. Don’t touch anything or stop at the park. Just walk.
Art/history: Virtual museum tours (internet required)
Language: Read a book for “X” hours/minutes a day. When done, write a report or give it orally
Drama/language arts/tech: Have kid(s) write, plan & perform a play/musical. Post on social media so you can read them all of the positive comments people leave 😊Send to family members who may be missing not seeing your littles during this time! Send to a local nursing home! I am positive if you call, they can give you an email to send it too and you and your kids can make some old people smile!
Home ec/Life skills: Have then prepare/help prepare meals from start to finish (including cleaning up after, of course!)
Shop class/life skills: Have then help you fix that squeaky door, leaking faucet, clean up the yard, etc. anything needed done around the house.
Life skills: teach them to change a tire, change your car’s oil, read & understand the manual to your car & how it all works
Math/Life skills: have them keep a ledger for money. Make fake paper money & give them a bunch. Then, make snacks cost money, any activity they do, tv, video games, etc. Have them keep track on their ledger & teach them to budget appropriately. Tell them when they will next get paid & their salary based on whatever chores you want them to do.
Language/Reading: READ, READ, READ! Make a chart & criteria for each kid, then give them a reward for each book they read or for a reading a certain # of books/minutes a day.
Language/Reading/writing: Teach then to properly write a letter or email. Have them utilize their new skills by keeping in touch with loved ones you can’t go see right now & checking up on people
Writing: Teach them Cursive! Or at least how to sign their name in cursive
Art: let them draw whatever they want. It’s all about creativity, so this one is super easy. If you have little supplies, all you need for this one is 1 pen/pencil & something for them to draw on (y’all have plenty of toilet paper for that, I’m sure 🤣)
History: think of a historical event & have them google it. Then have them come up with a project to do (written report, play, craft) having to do with said event
History with no internet: Think of a historical event you lived through & discuss with them. The. Do project idea.
Life skills: This is a great time to have your kids learn all the little things at home that need cleaned occasionally. Have them do 1 obscure thing each day. Clean out the microwave, wipe down baseboards, wipe down outside of washer/dryer, dust shelves, wash windows, wipe down the kitchen cabinets/side of oven, clean out their closet, sort through their books, organize Tupperware!
Foreign language: (internet required) Have your kid start googling, learning about & watching YouTube videos on a foreign language. They could probably learn a good portion of one in 30 days
Sports/History/Physical Ed: Ask your child what their favorite sport is. Have them research the history of it. Who was the best player of all time? How did it start? Etc… Then, have them write or draw about it. Last, Play that sport with them!

Thankfully, my kids came home with resources such as physical workbooks and online log-ins for programs they use at school already to help them stay engaged. If you do not have these resources, here is a google doc that has a HUGE list of free websites you can use that are all educational. I do not know who made this or who to credit it to and I have not checked all of them out to validate it, but it’s a good place to start!

I also plan to have my kids journal daily. I know my two littles do this at school already and I plan to do this also. I am trying to get them to focus on their view of what is going on right now and think it will be really interesting to read different points of view from a 6, 8, 13, and 36 year old during this time. Jack and I’s journals will be mostly writing and probably a few paragraphs, although I tend to get carried away. Jess Jr. and Charlie will be more like a few sentences and a picture. I will try to get Jess Jr. to do at least a paragraph as I think that is what he has to do in class.

I realize I have not even delved into all of the real issues surrounding the closings and hardships caused by that, but I don’t know if I even will. I realize that filling our extra time with education and whatever else for our kids is a #firstworldproblem. This is the first thing that popped into my head to write about, so here I am writing about it. Please, please, Please Share your ideas too!

If you don’t do anything educational for your kids and they sleep all day, play video games and watch Netflix, you are still doing a Stellar job!

REMEMBER: Everyone is going through this thing for the Very First Time.

Be Kind.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

“I have to stay off Facebook for now” -Some of My Thoughts & Feelings the day Kobe Bryant Died

Warning: Raw words and F-bombs ahead

[Note: I wrote this the day Kobe Bryant died with no intention of publishing it ever. I wrote it to process some of the emotions I was feeling after I found out. I didn’t even know his daughter was with him at the time I wrote this. These words were thrown onto the paper faster than I can think and I have not edited them. I was processing and have now fully processed this. This is how I felt at that time.]

Mamba Forever! Kobe Bryant portrait in spontaneous realism by Celeste Lecaroz (License)

I have to stay off Facebook for now until who knows when. Kobe Bryant just died in a helicopter crash. Everyone is posting about it. The news articles with the emergency vehicles. “How tragic” “I cant even imagine what his wife is going through”

No, you can’t.

And I wish no one ever had to.

These people are sad, shocked and confused. Why would this happen? It’s SO TRAGIC. I get it, I just can’t watch it and Read it over and over. I can’t. For some reason, it makes me really mad. Mad that these things happen to people, such as Ms. Bryant. Mad that society has no idea what the fuck to do when people die. Just mad.

If you feel compelled to send well wishes or prayers to a person grieving, please do. Don’t expect a response and DON’T YOU DARE be upset if you don’t get a thank you card. That whole practice is utter bullshit.

The grieving person is in shock. The grieving person has no fucking clue what to do. Like, they literally have to plan a funeral for the person who was most important to them in their life and they can’t even get themselves to eat. They can’t do laundry. They sometimes can’t get out of the bed or off of the floor. They may want to mask the pain with alcohol or drugs. They may not be able to stop crying. They will do the planning. They will show up for the services. They may even get their hair and make up done. They may not. They may look better than they did at their wedding or worse than you’ve ever seen them. They may cry continuously or not cry at all. Either way is completely acceptable.

I, too, hope Ms Bryant has people who love her with her or coming to her. People that can simply be there with her whether in silence, crying, talking or yelling. I hope she has meals she doesn’t have to think about or prepare for her and her family. I hope she has people to take her children places so she can have some moments alone. I hope she has people who will make sure she has toilet paper, paper towels and clean bathrooms. I hope she has people like that. Not people who know the right thing to say or do, but people who will show up and be there for whatever.

Let me tell you, the more you share the news articles, the more they show up in a google search. I’m sure the Bryant family won’t have this problem, but when your spouse isn’t always in the news, the first page or two of Google is all pictures of the worst day of your life. That sucks.

I hope the people sharing about Kobe Bryant are really thinking and feeling what they post. It’s one thing to say you can’t imagine, but do you really understand the gravity of this? This IS TRAGIC. A family has lost their father, husband, son, cousin and friend. Not to mention his basketball family who I am sure are just as close. It’s so fucking sad.

Maybe I’m not mad. Not at the posts or people posting anyways. I’m mad that tragedies happen, I guess. It’s awful and far too real and close to home for me.

I’m sorry. Sorry this family has to lose this man. Sorry these fans had to lose their hero. Sorry this team had to lose their teammate. Sorry the world had to lose this light.

Listen to me, I am saying all of the things everyone else is and does in such a situation. You’d think I would “ know what to say” but I don’t. There is nothing you can say to change the end result. Nothing to make it better. I recently sent flowers to a grieving family with a note that read: “Death sucks. I’m so very sorry. Love, Sarah.” That’s how great I am at the “right” words.

Families lose loved ones every moment of every day.

Tragedies happen.

Tell the people you care about that you do. Often.

Hug your loved ones tight. You never know when it’s your last hug and I promise you’ll remember it forever when it is.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah