Today, I Jumped

Today, I took my boy to do the last few things on our Winter Break bucket list. I am not a SuperMom by any means and don’t normally do bucket lists for breaks, but I was fortunate enough to have almost the entire break off with my kids for the first time ever and didn’t want us all driving each other crazy, so I made a list of things we could do on break. I asked the kids what they wanted to do and we ended up with this list that was made and now, me being me, we had to complete it. #Accidentalbucketlist

One of the things on our list was going to an indoor trampoline park in town called Skyzone. It was very important to my boys that I not only take them to this place, but I actually participate. This is something I have never done, but agreed to do for my boys.

In the past, I have not been a jumper. I have not been a participant in many of the activities I have taken my kids to. It started off as always having a younger child to tend to and ended up as I never thought I wanted to do those things. I was perfectly happy letting my kids have a blast while enjoying watching, Not Doing. I was the mom who paid to sit in the massage chair while watching her kids gleefully jump. My kids never complained about me not participating, so I thought we were all good. Besides, after birthing three children naturally, I was a little afraid jumping might be a bit too much. Plus, I am getting old and might sprain something, pull something or otherwise jumble my body in some painful way. The list of reasons not to do it far outweighed any reason I could think of to do it.

I guess I was lost. Maybe I had forgotten how to have fun. I really think I may have for some years. I was so busy taking care of everyone, everything, schedules and the house that I didn’t feel like having fun would be able to fit into my life. Even when I took my kids to a place to have fun, my fun was the few minutes I got to sit alone and know they were taken care of. Rest. Rest was my fun.

But that isn’t fun. That is rest. While it can be helpful and much needed, rest and fun are different things. I was never the fun parent. I was always the one who made sure things got done and got done on time. Now, I have had to figure out a way to be both. Some family members and close friends have helped take my boys to do fun things and that has allowed me to not have to do it all by myself, but there must be something different about it from my boys’ point of view. They wanted their mom to not only take them somewhere fun, but to be a part of it. How could I say no?

So, I jumped. I swung from things into foam pits, I ran up a warped wall trying to reach the top, I got to feel like I was on American Gladiators and fight Jack on a balance beam with those rubber, q-tip looking things (I won, by the way). All with my boys. Charlie and I swung from a trapeze thing several times in a row and I watched Jess Jr. win an epic game of trampoline dodgeball against at least 15 other kids. It was SO FUN.

Granted, I drank far less liquid ahead of time to prepare my aging body and I actually did pull something in my foot on that warped wall, but it was worth it. My boys had fun and so did I and I am sure they will have fond memories of this day for a long time.

I’ve never been a jumper, but Today, I Jumped.

(Ok, so really it was yesterday, but…whatever!)

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

I Know You’re Busy, But…

You used to visit me in my dreams sometimes. You don’t anymore. Most days I’m ok. Better than ok actually, I am doing really, really well. I am happy. I think that would make you happy too. Today, I am heavy. Heavy in the feeling you aren’t here. Like, how did this even happen? How did I get here?

I know you’re busy. You have three sons to look after plus your mom and other family. Please always look after us. Our sons especially.

I know you’re busy, but this is hard. You not being here. I do it and lots of days I freaking rock it, but today, today I FEEL your absence more. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. No big, awful thing that I needed you for. I’m just here doing life and you’re…not.

It’s a hard thing to explain, the feeling. It’s literally So Heavy. It’s not that I don’t know you aren’t here every single day, trust me, I do. Today, your absence is strong.

I want you here. I want to smell you, I want to hear you laugh, I want you to be able to hug your boys and for them to tell you all of the fun, exciting things we have done since you’ve been gone. I want you here to yell at them for poor grades, to get off video games and for fighting non-stop. I want you here to lecture them about everything like you always did. To tell them all of your stories. I wish you could see them. I know you’d be so proud. You always were.

I know you’re busy, but can you maybe take a minute to show me a sign? Something to let me know you are still with us. Because you are gone. You aren’t here anymore and I can’t take that today. I need to know you are still here. Please.

I know you’re busy, but your boys need you.

I know you’re busy, but I need you.

I know you’re busy, but we miss you.

I know you’re busy, but we love you so much.

I know you’re busy….

~Love & Light, Sarah

P.S. MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

The Snack Cabinet Door is Broken…Again

First thought: Mother effin kids! Why can they not learn how to correctly open and close a freaking cabinet door?!?!

Second thought: Wow. I am So Incredibly blessed to be able to have a place to store snacks that my kids can access at any time AND to be able to fill it with snacks. They never have to wonder if there will be food for them to eat. When they open that cabinet, they know they will find something yummy for their tummy.

This is my life. Broken cabinet doors, toys all over the floor I am endlessly picking up, laundry that never seems to be completely done and lots and lots of yelling, fighting, wrestling, Nerf wars and video game playing. I really wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s like the “Don’t cry over spilled milk” saying. I say this to my kids every time they spill something and start to freak out. I don’t get mad at all. I realize things spill. People make mistakes. I also teach them when things go wrong or not the way we plan, we sometimes have to clean up the mess. And that is life, right?? Almost nothing goes exactly as we plan and we have to roll with it. I am trying to instill in my boys that even when things go all wonky, we can see the good and go from there.

It is so easy to focus on the ‘broken cabinet door’ these days. A lot of people tend to reside there. They live in the constant “my life is broken” trap instead of deciding to be grateful for what they have.

I am very happy in my life. This is not by luck or chance, this is by my design. I work very hard to maintain a positive outlook on life and a HUGE part of that is being grateful for everything I have. The other day, I was listening to some affirmations on my television in the living room so my boys could hear it too. My boys did not understand why I was listening to an hour long video that stated things like:

“Thank you for my functioning liver.”

“Thank you for wonderful food.”

“Thank you for unlimited prosperity.”

“Thank you for financial success.”

I listen because it helps me remain grateful. It reminds me of all of the things I have to be thankful for that many people may not be as fortunate to have.

If you speak to successful people, you will find many similarities between them all, a major one being that they are Grateful. Truly grateful for everything they have. They all take a part of their day to express gratitude. If you wake up and write down at least 3 things you are grateful for before starting your day, your life will change for the better, I guarantee it.

I listen to gratitude affirmations every single day. I can sit and listen and really feel it if I have time or, as I often do, I can listen to it while working at the office or doing chores at home. I am grateful every single day. I write notes to people I am grateful for and I send them in the mail every month. I write down things I am grateful for often, especially when I am feeling a sorry for myself or like I am gearing up for a pity party.

If you’re not happy and what you are doing isn’t working for you – Why not try it my way? What have you got to lose?

I urge you, next time you come across a broken cabinet door, find the good. Find what is not broken. You can fix the door later.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

The Perfect Time to Say Your Piece on a Widow(er)’s Love Life

Curious on when you can offer advice to your recently or not-so-recently widowed friend’s love life? I, a widow, have some suggestions for you on how and when to do this….

How about you don’t? There is never an appropriate time to give your two cents on what you think a person who has lost their spouse should be doing in their love life. That being said, here are a few things I have been told and how I feel about them.

“I think you’re like me. He was the love of your life. I don’t think you’ll ever find a love like that again.”

Wow. What a BOLD statement. Not to mention the fact this was said to me within 2 weeks of my husband dying, so I was not even close to thinking of hooking up with anyone at that point. No matter how close a person is to you, they do not know anything about the relationship you have with your significant other. Were Jess Sr. and I soulmates? I believe we were. I also happen to believe that people have several soulmates. Different people for different reasons, not all romantic by any means. The pressure this person unknowingly put on me could have changed me forever if I had let it. I could have believed these words and forever lived alone, not even looking for anyone because it would never be the same.

Think about your words! They are POWERFUL.

“If you find someone you love, do it. Be with them. I will love you no matter what.”

This is a good one. Not that I need anyone’s approval on what I decide to do with my life, but these words helped me a lot. I was told this right after Jess’s death, like, a couple days after, by his mother. She was also widowed young and she felt a lot off shade from her in-laws when she decided to date again. She didn’t want me to feel that way from her and she made a point to tell me this soon and often. While she knew the status of Jess & I’s relationship before he died (rocky), she did not know whether I would ever consider dating someone else again or look at all. She simply knew that she loved me, she wants me to be happy and she wanted me to know that if I ever decided to date, she would still be there. This was so good to know once I did decide I might be ready to date. She has become one of the people who actually knows a lot about my love life because she really is ok with it and loves to talk to me about my life. (Love you, Mary!)

I’d like to say that having your in-laws’ approval is NOT NEEDED to move forward with your love life. Most in-laws will not know how to deal with you dating someone else and depending on your dynamic with them, it could go really well or really badly. Please know, YOU DO NOT NEED ANYONE’S APPROVAL TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. It’s as simple as that. It is nice to know my mother-in-law has my back 100%, but if she didn’t, I would still be fine and I would still do me.

“Wait…You’re DATING?!?!?!” (In a very surprised, judgy tone)

There is a huge difference between wanting to know about someone’s life because you care about the person and wanting to know about someone’s life because you are nosey and judging them. Think about what you are about to say and if it sounds like it might be even a little bit from a judgy/nosey place, DON’T SAY IT. It’s that easy people.

“Is that guy your boyfriend?”

See above paragraph on dating. If I wanted you to know if I have a boyfriend or not, you would know and not have to ask. If you don’t know and you are asking me this via Facebook message because I posted a picture with a guy you don’t know, but we don’t actually talk in real life, I am not going to tell you one way or another. I may tell you where you can go to find out, but it won’t be a very nice message.

MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.

Here’s the thing, there is no timeline for Grief. There is no timeline for Love. There are society’s general, common-knowledge, unwritten “rules on grieving” which most believe and they are utter bullshit. Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. We didn’t all learn how to read and write at the same time, we weren’t all potty trained at the same age, we didn’t all mature at the same rate, and no one got all up in arms because of it. Grieving is similar and no one should judge another person’s process.

Before you decide to speak to a grieving partner about their love life, ask yourself this question:

“If this person had not lost the love of their life and were simply a single friend of mine, would I be saying this about their love life?”

If the answer is Yes, Ask away! If the answer is No, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

Obviously, a good friend will be curious if they find out someone is dating. Asking questions is completely acceptable, if you would be asking those same questions of any other friend.

If you are worried about a friend’s safety or relationship, talking to them about it is completely acceptable. If they are drastically different in their behaviors or you are worried the relationship is unhealthy or abusive, PLEASE discuss it with them. These are things a good friend would do in any situation. This should continue no matter what the person’s circumstances are/have been.

Basically, my dating and relationship status is none of anyone’s business but my own. Not my kids, not my brother, not my friend, not my boss and definitely not some creepy, should have been deleted a long time ago, stalkerish Facebook friend. Just as your relationship is none of my business. If I want to share with you, chances are, I probably already have and do.

It is not your responsibility to give a grieving person permission to move forward in their life. It is not your responsibility to make sure a grieving person waits a certain amount of time before moving forward in their life.

It is your responsibility to Love others. It is your responsibility to spread Light and Goodness in the world. Focus on that.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Grief and the Holidays: What I’ve Noticed So Far

I can’t help but feel I’m doing this wrong.

Jack just asked me what his brothers’ “big gifts” this year are and I had to explain to him I didn’t do anything crazy expensive or awesome, I just picked something I got them to spotlight. I almost burst into tears. “That’s ok. That’s totally fine,” he responded with all the sincerity in the world. It was all I could do to buy them gifts this year, I didn’t even feel like doing that. It’s not ok really. Not even close. Parents make the holidays special for their kids, otherwise they are just normal days.

We went to a family Christmas party. It was nice. Delicious food was eaten, games were played, everyone was welcoming and sweet. When I got home, I felt sad.

I think I have most of the gifts I need for people bought, but I have yet to wrap anything and tomorrow is December 23rd. I just never feel like doing it.
I am very happy in my life normally, but these past few days and the coming days are not feeling special, magical or like I want to do them at all.

My anxiety is so much less than it ever was before. In general, I simply don’t let other people’s opinions bother me as much or my assumptions of their opinions. Additionally, I am a grieving widow with 3 kids, so if the most messy thing about me is the acne on my face, my lack of make up or my hair, then I feel like people will give me more than normal grace. I have a pass to be and look less than perfect, at least this year.

I haven’t said yes to anything I truly don’t want to do this season, but it still feels off.

Last year, I was a different kind of alone. My husband and I had split up, he had moved out and I did all of the things happily alone. I felt Empowered, Happy & Free for the first time in a long time and I enjoyed the holidays. This year is different. This year, doing all of the things alone is not fun. Not empowering. I am literally going through the motions hoping everything will turn out good for my kids.

I know it won’t be this way forever. We will find our way again.

I do find happy in all of the things, places, and people. I am forever grateful we are still even considered a part of Jess Sr.’s family and invited to things. I love spending time with the people I choose to spend time with. It’s just different. So different I cannot even describe it.

I do feel compelled to share that I am double grieving, if you will. I am grieving a huge change in my family dynamic on top of Jess Sr. being gone. A member of my family and I had a falling out this year which led to my family doing holiday celebrations differently than ever before. Separately. Now, not only will my kids not have their dad at Christmas for the first time ever, but we also do not have my big family gathering with all of their cousins that we have done their entire lives. Grieving a big change like that is hard and takes a lot of processing as well. Everything is so different.

Everything is so different, but not all bad. We have a few things we get to do this year that we never did before. We have a few new people who we are very close to that we get to create new memories and traditions with. We have a few old friends who we get to enjoy also. We are so thankful for our village and all of the people who Love on us.

It’s hard to do different things. Sometimes heartbreaking. Sometimes fun and exciting. At times, it’s hard to tell which one when you’re in the middle of it all. For now, we will keep on trucking and enjoy life as it comes.

Love well & Abundantly.

Enjoy your peeps.

Happy Holidays!

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Help! I Need Somebody! A Look into Asking for Help & Doing Things on Your Own

Let’s face it, no one can make it in this world alone. I don’t care who you are or how amazing you are, everyone needs someone at some time for something and that’s ok. That’s actually a good thing! We are all put on this earth with special talents that we should use to help people. Whether you can cook good food, lift heavy things, keep plants alive, make cabinets, listen really well, write something people want to read, speak in front of big groups of people, put things together quickly, play gorgeous music, sing like an angel, or manage money well, You have a Unique and Special gift that only you can share in the way you do it. I believe we are meant to use our gifts to help one another, but for that to be the case, we have to talk to people and Ask For Help (GASP).

I am the first offender in believing I can do all of the things. I really dislike asking anyone for any kind of help. I have always felt I would be putting someone out or bothering them and I hate feeling like I owe someone anything. I have gotten better this year at asking for and accepting help. I used to absolutely hate it and now I ask and accept more often. Part of the reason I started accepting help is because I really had no choice. When Jess Sr. died people just showed up at my house with food, started cleaning, taking care of my kids and doing anything else they could tell needed done. I am so thankful for that. After things calmed down and people went back to their normal lives, I was left alone with a house, 3 kids, a dog, a cat and all the life things. I quickly learned I am not superwoman and I had to ask for help when I really needed it. I do now and I am forever grateful to my village for helping me when they can. I also make an effort to help others as much as I possibly can.

Everyone needs to get over their pride, embarrassment, vulnerability or whatever else is holding you back from asking for help and just do it. I can clean a house really, really well. I cannot install a window. No one can do everything. That’s why we are all here. We need to work together, find people you like to be around that you can help and vise versa. It feels so good to get the help you need and it feels super great to be able to help someone by doing something you are good at. Win – Win!

Here’s an example of something I meant to do myself, but had to get help with….

I moved into a new house in August of this year. Some time after I moved in I got the idea I needed to change the locks because that’s what you’re “supposed to do.” I have changed deadbolts before and thought it would be easy. I was wrong. My new house’s doors are older and had holes that were way too small for the locks I bought. The face plates (or whatever they are called) stuck out too far and I didn’t know how to make them fit. I had no idea what the tools I needed were even called and I did not own them. Turns out, I needed a hole saw and a chisel. I borrowed my dad’s hole saw and still had no chisel. I tried to use it and scraped my door up. I called my dad and asked him. The hole saw was old and apparently wasn’t working correctly. Dad got new hole saws and brought them over. I didn’t even open the bag. I tried about 4 times on 2 different doors to get at least 1 lock on to no avail. Almost everyone I spoke to was very concerned for my safety and several of them offered to come put on my locks for me. I kept declining.

“No thank you, I got this.”

I did NOT have this.

Some time later, I broke down and asked a friend to come over and do my locks for me. He did and I finally have doors that lock again! (Thank you!)

Could I have figured out how to correctly use a hole saw and a chisel and put the deadbolts on my doors by myself? YES. I definitely could have, but someone with more expertise and the right tools offered to do it for me and I accepted.

Here’s an example of me choosing to do something myself AKA: Being a BadA*S…

In November, my dad got me a portable garage door opener key chain thing for my garage door. The previous owners had lost their garage door opener, so I was having to open the garage door from the button on the wall inside, pull my car out and then go back inside to close the garage door. The only catch was I had to sync the new opener with my garage door opener.

I was so excited to have this opener! It was going to save me so much trouble and annoyance daily. I showed a friend and they told me I needed to make sure it was able to sync to my garage door. Something about being on the same frequency…What? Now it was in my head that this thing might not work and it was going to be a pain to figure it out. I half-heartedly joked I may need help syncing them. I threw the opener into my purse and there it sat for 1 whole month. I guess having it not connected and still hoping it could work if I tried one day was better to me than trying and it not working.

It snowed this week more than once and was super cold. My car was outside in the driveway because I couldn’t be bothered to open and close the garage door from inside. That wasn’t fun and I had a brand new garage door opener in my purse. Tonight, I decided I didn’t need to check and see if they were compatible. I would simply try to hook it up using the instructions and it would either work or it wouldn’t.

The instructions were simple. I followed them and it didn’t work.

I followed the instructions a second time and it DID work! YAY!!!

Even being a person who does ask for help now, I still try several times before accepting it normally. I am really grateful to those who help me all the time. I believe all people were put on this earth to help one another. I especially believe I am here to help as many people as I possibly can, so please ask!

There is So Much More I could say on this subject, but it would end up more of a book than a blog.

I guess what I’m trying to say is…

GET OVER YOURSELF AND ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT!

Make the world a better place 🙂

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

That Guy….

That guy who always makes you feel guilty for going out with your friends, so you come home early only to get shaded or yelled at the rest of the night. The same guy who doesn’t even run it by you and proceeds to go hang out with his friends until all hours of the next morning and expects you to be able to sleep at night…That’s not the guy.

That guy that you took home from the bar, had sex with and had to drive back to his house after because he has no license and a broken down car…That’s not the guy.

That guy you think is super cute and wonder how he is in bed despite being 15 years his senior. The one who entertains your silly flirting because it makes him feel good to be wanted…That’s not the guy.

That guy you have to make deals with in order to get what you want; to be able to do what you want to do in life…That’s not the guy.

That guy who talks a lot to you over messenger and is super sweet, but won’t let you tag him on any posts. The same guy who makes you drive an hour to have lunch with him, an hour and a half to hang out with you, screws you and then leaves…That’s not the guy.

That guy who never carves out time and plans a date for you, but expects you to drop everything and show up as soon as he texts you…That’s not the guy.

That guy who thinks it’s “great that you are such an awesome mom” with your kids, but refuses to ever come over and hang out with you and them and only wants to hang out with you alone…That’s not the guy.

That guy who you think is a little crazy, so would probably be a good no-strings-attached lay, but come to find out he is A LOT crazy and in a current, really messed up relationship…That’s not the guy.

That guy who you’ve flirted with for over 5 years who is still finding himself too and totally on at least one of the same wavelengths as you, but is also obsessed with his body, other people’s bodies, working out, partying and who isn’t comfortable at all with himself…That’s not the guy.

That guy that is really nice to you, friendly to everyone and seems to have no agenda…That might be the guy.

That guy who seems to keep to himself, but at the same time is getting along with and talking to nearly everyone…That might be the guy.

That guy with a genuine smile. The guy who doesn’t smile all the time, but sometimes when he catches you looking, you get see it…That’s probably the guy.

That guy who knows he doesn’t know how to respond to everything you are going through, but at least listens and lets you know he is there.

That guy who has been alone a lot, not because he couldn’t get a date, but because he’d rather spend time alone than with the wrong person.

That guy who wants to talk to you, learn everything about you, share about himself with you and is willing to talk anytime, anywhere, for any amount of time.

That guy who listens to what you are struggling with and doesn’t automatically tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better, but instead gives you much needed, helpful advice that will actually help you fix your problem.

That guy who was perfectly happy in his life just the way it was when he met you.

That guy who shows up for every single thing he says he is going to show up for.

That guy whose people are just as amazing as he is and as soon as you meet them it feels like you’ve found a family you never knew you always needed.

That guy who texts you randomly in the middle of the day to say “I love you” or “Thinking of you”

That guy who always tells you to be careful and let him know when you are home.

That guy you can go to a party with, hang out with friends with, sit and watch your kids go crazy at your house with or lay on the couch with. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you are together.

That guy who lets you be all spinny outty and calms you with his voice and whose mountain bear hug is like an all-encompassing gravity blanket for you.

The guy who doesn’t play games. The guy who treats you like the Queen you are. The guy who never makes you feel icky. The guy who helps you make good decisions and doesn’t make you feel bad for wanting to make the wrong ones. The guy who always makes sure you know you are loved….That’s the guy.

Be That Guy.

Find That Guy.

Don’t Settle. You Are Amazing & You Are Worth It.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

Sorry for being me (And other things I catch myself thinking throughout the day)

I have to admit, I have a lot of negative self talk. I doubt myself all the time, often after making a decision or having a conversation with someone. After texts/messages are sent & before they are responded to is THE WORST. BUT…I always correct myself. I do not apologize for being me or on the off-chance someone might misinterpret what I said.

The other night, I almost apologized to someone I had been messaging for venting to them. For expressing to them how I felt about certain situations. This person is an extremely close confidant. They know me and therefore, know how I am. They are not judgmental in any way, shape or form, ever. However, I still worried about if I was bothering them or annoying. I worried about it for long enough that I almost sent a message apologizing, but I didn’t. Why didn’t I?

I did not apologize for a number of reasons, but the main one is, I had nothing to apologize for. I needed someone to talk to, someone to listen. They are a person who has told me I can talk to them about anything.

IF THEY GOT ANNOYED BY ME OR BOTHERED BY HOW I AM, THEY WOULD NOT BE ONE OF MY PEOPLE.

This is a thing we all need to wrap our heads around. Chances are, if someone does not want to listen to you, they will let you know. If someone is annoyed by you or bothered by how you are, you will either be told that by them or they will choose to not be around you or there for you.

My people all know me very well. My people all love me for who I am. Any time I am anxious or worried about being a bother, it is not because my people have done something to make me worried, it is All In My Head. SO MANY people do this to themselves. Hear me loud and clear…

PEOPLE ARE SELF ABSORBED. IF YOUR PEOPLE ARE BOTHERED BY YOU, THEY WON’T BE YOUR PEOPLE.

IF YOUR “PEOPLE” MAKE YOU FEEL BAD OR TELL YOU THAT YOU ANNOY THEM, THOSE ARE NOT THE RIGHT PEOPLE! GET NEW PEOPLE.

I often speak frankly and with plenty of colorful, often 4-letter words. I could state my mind and easily feel the need to follow it with, “Sorry for cursing” or, “Sorry for being so blunt.” But, WHHHHYYYYY??? I’m not sorry I speak that way, I’m not sorry I like to tell it like it is. I do not feel people should apologize for being themselves. (I watch my mouth in all of the appropriate settings and I like to think I know how to act wherever I am).

“I’ve learned that you have to make careful choices because everything has an impact, I’ve also learned that you can’t please everyone in life, so please yourself and figure out what really matters.” ~Gretchen Bleiler

Someone I love recently lost their shit 2 days after losing a loved one. They apologized to me for crying and losing it. I told them no need for an apology, they deserve to be able to grieve, cry, lose their shit and whatever else they need to do. Yet, they still apologized over and over again. Should anyone have to apologize for crying over a lost loved one? Ever? I don’t think so.

We, as a society, have all helped to feed the monster mentality of anxiety, judgment & disappointment. For some reason, the majority of us believe it shows weakness when we cry, that it is unacceptable to be visibly angry and we are annoying people if we share too much or talk a lot. STOP IT. We are allowed to feel feelings. We are allowed to show feelings. We should focus more on helping each other deal with feelings in a healthy way rather than judging one another for having them.

I have to constantly check my thoughts and myself to maintain my current homeostasis. I often do not share how I feel because I feel I may be judged. I can’t be the only one. I know I’m not. Let’s all start a club. Share with me! I cannot promise I will be able to help or give any good advice, but I can promise I will listen without judgement.

Stop apologizing.

You Do You.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah

My Kids and I Talk about Sex, Santa and Money

I had a talk with my 12 year old son the other day about contraception and safe sex. The subject came up in conversation because I recently visited my OB-GYN and we were talking about my doctors appointment. I love how I can talk to my kids about anything because I always have and always do. The “sex talk” wasn’t awkward for us at all. This wasn’t the first one we’ve had. We talked about what certain birth controls prevent and what they don’t prevent. I told him to always practice safe sex, meaning no surprise babies and no STDs. He said “I know, I know”, but I know that when or if he has any questions, he knows he can come to me.

Lots of people don’t agree with my approach when it comes to talking to my children. Like, the majority of people in society. I have always told my children the truth about things (minus Santa & the tooth fairy, but when the time comes and they ask, I don’t lie). I keep it age and child appropriate. I am so open and honest that my oldest child knew what sex was in 1st grade and my now 2nd grader knows as well. The subject came up from them after both being misinformed at school. My middle child, 8 years old, just realized the tooth fairy wasn’t real, followed by Santa Claus. I was honest when he asked and we had a conversation about why we told him they were real, what really is real and why he should keep the magic alive for those kids who do not know yet.

Had I been the only parent in the equation at the time, I would have opted to never tell my kids Santa or the Tooth Fairy were real. However, I had a partner and well, pick your battles. I don’t understand why people aren’t more honest with their kids. I mean, I get it. They are kids. They should be able to remain innocent and not have to worry about adult things, but hiding everything from them leading them to believe for 12+ years that the world is all butterflies and rainbows, no struggles ever happen and everything is ALWAYS good is unfair to them. How are we helping our children grow and become healthy, functioning adults by preparing them for a world that isn’t out there?

I do not discuss how much money I have or do not have with my kids. My kids never have to hesitate asking me for something they want because they think I may not have the money. I do not buy them everything they want, nor do they think money comes to you without hard work. As an adult, I do not discuss any money problems I might have with my children. The don’t need to worry about those things. We do have discussions about money. They can do chores at home to earn either money or video game time. They add the money as we grocery shop and ask how much things are when they want me to buy them a special treat. We discuss how much things cost, do the math and come up with a plan if they want to purchase something. If I am saving for something or tight on money, I tell the boys we are on a “spending freeze”. During that time if they want me to buy them a non-necessity, I remind them we are on a spending freeze. Also during that time if I say I need to stop at the gas station for an energy drink, they scream “Mom! SPENDING FREEZE!” I am teaching my children that sometimes in life you have to sacrifice non-necessities to pay for necessities or future wants. Another term for what they are learning is Delayed Gratification.

“It’s through delayed gratification that patience comes.”
― Sunday Adelaja

If you have ever had a discussion with me about almost anything, you probably know I’m as blunt and honest as they come. I value honesty above almost everything else (I can’t think of what else is above that, but I don’t want to be so absolute just in case). I like people more when they are genuine, honest & straightforward. I have been this way for a long, long time. I grew up in a family that was honest, but also avoided confrontation and has more bumpy rugs from things being swept under it than would fit into any storage facility. If a subject doesn’t leave them feeling warm and fuzzy, they don’t want to talk about it at all. As I grew older and more into my adult self, I realized this is not the way I wanted to live. I used to struggle with anxiety and the more things I swept under the rug and didn’t deal with, the more my anxiety grew.

When you avoid dealing with something, the what-ifs grow. The thoughts of “what are other people thinking” & “how will others react to this/that” grow. Anxiety grows. You can’t stop thinking about it. You can’t fix it without confronting it, so the problem itself grows. I realized the sooner I confront a situation, the sooner I know what the outcome is and I can then deal with how I will handle it instead of the what-ifs.

I am not promising you that if you confront all your issues and situations immediately, head on, you will always have a happily ever after. I am saying if you confront your issues sooner, you will be able to figure out how to deal with them sooner and heal from them more quickly.

I also don’t have time for the small talk bullshit. Life is too short to not talk about all of the stuff that actually matters. For me, that’s a lot more, “I Love You” and a lot less, “How’s the weather?” I could really not care any less than I already do about how much the gas prices are right now. Does everyone need gas in their car and are we all going to get it? Yes. Then, why do we need to discuss that?! I learned over the years from many successful people that this is not the talk of prosperous, successful, rich people and that validates my thought process even more.

My hope is to raise kind humans who value honesty and are honest, loving and kind. Combining honesty and kindness should creates tact, so that will be a happy side effect of the way I am raising my boys. I do a lot of things differently than the majority, so parenting different is nothing new. If you don’t agree with my style, that’s fine with me, to each their own, but please don’t hate on me for it. You won’t change me or bother me in any way and judging others and focusing on their flaws is ugly. There are much more positive things you can be focusing on to improve your happiness. My boys are becoming fabulous humans, so I must be doing something right!

Honesty is always the best policy.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, ,Sarah

I Hosted an 8 yr old’s Sleepover and Survived

We have an awesome, new-to-us, larger house now & we get to have birthday sleepovers! I have never hosted a sleepover of more than 3 friends, I think, and we were all super excited to do this!

A week ahead of time we sent out invitations. I hear you are not allowed to send invitations to school unless you invite the whole class, but I’ve never gotten that in writing, so I did it anyways. Jess Jr. was so excited about his very first sleepover that he wrote all of the invitations himself on colored paper with a marker. They were so cute! (Picture would have been great here, but I failed to get one). However, I thought as a mom if I received an invitation to a party that was all written by a child, I would possibly not fully believe the party was a real thing, so I threw some cards together to send with Jess’s. Mine were simply index cards I wrote all of the information on and threw some colored masking tape around for a border. Super cheap and got the job done. I sent Jess Jr. to school with the invitations and waited for R.S.V.P.s.

Knowing the day and age we live in and the fact that I am horrible at answering phone calls, I put “RSVP via text message” on the invitations. They all RSVP-ed, even the ones that could not come. I did have 2 parents call me after they had texted, but by that time I had them in my contacts as “Suzy – John’s Mom – Jess Jr” or something like that and knew to answer the call. This is honestly the best way to go in my opinion. No parent wants to have to call to RSVP and the ones that have questions will call anyways, so Win-Win.

I wondered leading up to the party what I should plan. Do I need to occupy these kids’ time for the entire time they are at my house? Do I have to have the time blocked out with back to back activities? I asked a few people and all of them said I did not which was fabulous since we do not roll like that in the Voirol household. I did get a few activities ready in case I needed to occupy them for a bit or redirect them at any time.

The day before the party, we went grocery shopping. On top of my 2 week meal plan food, I reserved $50 for Jess Jr. to pick out any snacks and drinks he wanted for the party. This made Jess Jr. feel more in charge of his own party, let him get things I never let him get on regular shopping trips, helped him make good choices about what he was choosing to as snacks/drinks and helped him work with a budget. He got more and more excited as we checked out with all of his party stuff and when we put it in the special “Party Cabinet” at home.

Saturday at 3pm came and all of a sudden I had five 8 year olds, two 5 year olds and a 12 year old at my house. Without going minute by minute, here are the things they did:

Nerf battle

Video Games

Nerf battle

Pizza

Video games

Crafts

Roasting s’mores

Video games

Movie

Chess

Movie

Sleep

Wake Up

Donuts

Nerf Battle

Video Games

Nerf Battle

There was very little structured time actually. They all played well together and I let them run around as much as they wanted. I am not a huge fan of video games, but let them play more than I usually would because they still talked the whole time and they were playing the video games on different devices with each other. The craft we did was simple. I gave each of them a poster board, provided markers, glue, sparkles and other stuff you can glue onto stuff and said “make whatever you want.” This satisfied all of the boys for at least 20 minutes. After that time, half of the boys went back to Nerf battling and the others finished their project. We have a fire pit in the backyard, so s’mores were easy and fun. I bought a variety pack of full size Hershey’s bars and let them each pick what kind of chocolate they wanted on their s’more. Donuts were already bought and I didn’t have to cook breakfast, so that was amazing.

I really thought before this happened that it would be a crazy, wild, uncontrollable s**t show, but it was So FuN! I think maybe thinking it would be so wild helped me be less stressed since a little wild was better than what I was expecting.

So, there you have it. It was super simple, fairly cheap & so much fun!

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah