The Lone Survivior

It’s hard to be the only one left who remembers things we would both love to remember. It’s hard to be the only one left who cares about things we would both care about. It’s hard.

Every birthday, every anniversary of anything, every holiday – I’m reminded I’m doing this alone.

 I hate doing it alone.

You left me.

You left me here with all of these memories to remember all alone.

You left me here to keep living. To keep doing all of these things I thought you’d be here for.

It’s not fair.

On a normal day, I got this. I have the special days too, even by myself. It just completely sucks.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. I thought I’d be ok. I was wrong.

The day only meant something to me. You’re gone. No one else knows or remembers or it doesn’t matter to them at least. I am the lone survivor to which it means anything. So does it really mean anything at all?

We’re not married anymore. We haven’t been for a year and a half. The kids beg to differ on that which makes it even harder to move forward at times.

I never signed up to do it all alone. Of course, I was in love and so we did life together, I didn’t do it all with someone simply to not do it alone, but we did it together. Not once did I ever think I would be stuck doing it all alone.

Charlie recently got upset when he found my engagement and wedding ring sitting in a box in my room. He said I should wear them. I promised I would on our anniversary. I did wear them that day. At least for the first half. It doesn’t feel right anymore. I had to take them off.

Maybe you and I would have been celebrating together – the fact that we made it to 11 years married. Maybe we would have taken the boys to the fort together and walked around telling them stories of our wedding day. Maybe not. I guess we’ll never know.

It’s so strange being the only one left. So many memories shared and I have no one who shares them with me. It’s like a ghost life. A life I know I lived, but if it weren’t for our boys, I’d have nothing to prove that I lived it.

Yes, I have support and I have my people and I greatly appreciate and am grateful for them and all they do, but yes, I am still doing it all alone. And it sucks. 

I like to remember the good times and everything we did. Everything we went through together. It made me who I am today.

I’m doing the absolute best I can, yet feel like I am failing miserably. I am short tempered. I yell about video games. I’m told by my boys I yell “all the time.” We seem to get into a good groove and then something messes it up. It takes me months to get back into a groove and then another thing comes along to screw it up again.

I can’t help but wonder why I was left here to be the only one who knows. The only one who remembers.

I’m Trying.

It’s Hard.

It sucks…

Being the Lone Survivor.

MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

~Love & Light, Sarah