Four small pine trees in line with the rest of the giant ones at that spot. Four signs that the majority of the world has moved forward and the world is still turning. Trees. That’s all they are. Something to look pretty and shield the neighborhood from the busy street that lines it.
I don’t know why I was surprised to see them. I knew they were going to do it. The association sent me a letter about it last fall, but I was still shaken when I saw them.
Does it make anything different? No.
Does it feel like it does? Yes.
There’s not a day that goes by that we don’t think of you.
There’s not a day that goes by where our lives are not drastically different than if you were here.
Yet, it seems the world has moved on. It feels like most people have moved past the idea of you at all sometimes. So many friends are gone and haven’t been heard from since your funeral. The condolences are few and far between. We don’t need them and they sometimes make us uncomfortable, but often they are the only reminder from others that they remember what even happened. That you were here and now you’re not. That our entire world got turned upside-down without our consent. That you mattered A LOT.
The other day a friend messaged me a fun memory she had of you. I appreciate that more than I can ever express. People don’t do that. Ever.
Last week, I told some of the new people in my life a little more about you and you made us laugh. I think about you all the time and you almost always make me smile just as you did when you were here.
Me and the boys have moved forward. We had to. We can’t dwell in the moment that changed our lives tragically forever. You would want more for us, so we move forward. We live lives of duality in which we are simultaneously happy and sad at all times. We are figuring it out and doing well at it.
Jack auditioned for a play the other day. I said all of the normal things, “Break a leg,” “Good luck,” etc. I couldn’t help but wonder what you used to say to him on these days. I know you said the same things, but I also know you had a way. You said other things too and you always helped him feel confident when he needed it. I did my best, but it wasn’t the same. By the way, he got a role.
I have felt a little more like I could finally breathe again lately. I have worked so damn hard to get to a place like this and I sit here feeling guilty for now being here. Like I shouldn’t. Like I should feel that heavy forever. The heaviness is the same, it just doesn’t feel like that all the time. I am so thankful to be able to breathe again. You have helped me with your messages the past few months. I appreciate that.
Just like the feelings of being able to breathe again feel like they somehow shouldn’t be there, so do the trees.
They planted new trees in that spot.
They remind us that the world keeps on spinning and so must we.
Keep moving forward.
MAKE GOOD CHOICES.
~Love & Light, Sarah