I’ve struggled with this post since I wrote it originally on October 22, 2019. I struggle with publishing it for several reasons, but mainly because right after I wrote it I felt completely differently than what I had just poured out onto paper. Right after I wrote this, I read the title, “Things I wish I Could Tell my Sister Who is Very Much Still Alive” and I thought, “Not a Damn thing. I miss nothing about her and am much better off without her.” Grief is funny that way. People grieve over all kinds of things, not just when someone dies. Any time you lose someone or something important to you, you grieve in one way or another. The words in the blog post are how I feel on some days. Other days, I feel completely differently. I am a work in progress and obviously still working through this one. Also, this is deeply personal for me and posting it makes me feel vulnerable. However, I know there must be other people out there that have strained family relationships and maybe they need to know they aren’t alone. Today, I am pushing past my insecurities and fears and publishing it despite all of that.
My sister and I don’t talk. Long story with 2 (or more) different sides, so I will not get into that right now. I was asked not to contact her or anyone in her family back in August and I have honored that request. We were never super close. We were never on the same wavelength, but we are still sisters and sometimes I wish I could tell her things.
Here’s a very brief history of our entire lives (LOL). She is 4 years older than me. We almost always shared a room until I was 13 and we moved to a bigger house. I have very few memories where we were getting along and/or friends as children. I do have one specific memory of when we were getting along and we read a scary book together and slept in the same bed. Not all of my memories are bad, but most don’t give me warm, fuzzy feelings. I don’t blame her or myself for never really getting along, we are two completely different personalities and we just don’t click. Lots of people who know both of us tell me we have a lot of the same traits, ways we act, mannerisms, etc., but I have never felt like that connected us other than we were raised by the same parents in the same household. I can appreciate how different we are, but right now there are certain things keeping us from having any relationship at all.
Although we were never super close, I do have times when I wish I could tell her things. Share things with her. There’s also a lot I would like to explain about the situation that tore us apart, but I don’t think I could ever change her perspective on that and I have come to terms with my place in the situation and the fact we will never see the same on this issue.
So, Things I wish I could Tell my Sister, but Can’t Right Now…
*I love you.
*I wish we were more alike. I appreciate our differences, but if we jived better with each other, I can’t help but think we would be closer and still talk.
*I miss Jess Sr. I know you never really liked him anyways (or at least that’s what I believe), but you are my sister and I know you would at least listen to me even if you thought all along he was no good for me.
*I am SO DAMN HAPPY you got your little girl. I realize it was such a long, hard road and was not easy at all. I am proud of you for going through it all. I am so happy it all worked out and you now have Sweetpea forever.
*I am SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU. You are a hospice nurse, a loving wife, a loving mother and a really cool chick. I could have gotten a way worse sister and that would have sucked. I could have gotten a sister that I never think about or want to talk to because she sucked all around and some days recently, I have wished I did, but I didn’t. I got you and you’re pretty ok most of the time. 🙂
*I love your family and genuinely only want the best for all of you. Even if I never get to talk to any of you ever again, I will always be thinking of you, sending good vibes and I will always be here no matter how long we go without seeing or speaking to each other.
*I wish I could show you my new house. You are one of the people who knows how much I hated our old one and what a pain it was. I wish I could tell you how much I Love my new house. How happy it makes me. I wish you could share in my excitement.
*A lot of the most recent years, I was in the middle of trauma. I have no idea if I hid it well or if it was evident. You only knew what I told you which was really only a portion of it. I didn’t even know how bad it was when I was in the middle of it. You always listened to me complain about anything, explain a bunch of crazy shit and hang out if I wanted to get away. You even let me bring my kids. Thank you for that.
*I can’t remember a time when I didn’t admire you for one reason or another or several. From wanting to wear your clothes, have your nails, boyfriends and friends to wanting your stable family life as an adult. I know your life isn’t perfect, but I envied you for a long time. You keep it together well or at least you cover it up really good!
*I want to help you heal, but fear I may not be able to help much right now, so will give you the requested space. I hope you can come to peace with everything and I hope you have enough love and support from those around you to help you heal as quickly as possible.
*I miss you.
*I love you.
Life is short no matter how long you live. Make sure you don’t hold onto grudges longer than the person’s life. This can haunt you forever.
MAKE GOOD CHOICES.
~Love & Light, Sarah